Late Night Snark: G’bye, October Edition
Continued...
And now, our feature presentation…
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, October 29, 2021
Note: Tomorrow is National Candy Corn Day, and you must resist the efforts by the Democrat Party—aided and abetted by Big Skittle, Big Reese, and Big M&M—to win their War on Halloween by eating fistfuls of candy corn now before you get murdered by Hillary Clinton, assisted by illegals from the caravan, in a socialist re-education camp run by Soros, AOC, and leaky Adam Schiff. Also buy lots of gold and Mr. Pillow pillows and whatever Pat Boone is selling today. Or, again, and I can’t stress this enough, you’ll be murdered.
—National GOP Candy Corn Council, Lauren Boebert, self-appointed honorary president
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By the Numbers:
2022 Obamacare enrollment starts Monday.
Days 'til election day 2021: 4
Days 'til 2022 Obamacare enrollment begins: 3
Minimum number of LGBTQ+ candidates who ran or are running for office in 2021, a 7% increase over the last odd-numbered election year of 2019: 410
Increase in private-sector wages in September from a year earlier: 4.6%
Number of sites California is getting ready for administering 1.2 million coronavirus vaccines to kids age 5-11: 4,000
New hourly minimum wage at Costco as of next Monday, up a buck: $17
Rank of Skittles, Reese's Cups, and M&Ms among most popular Halloween candy, according to Candystore.com: #1, #2, #3
Age of The Electric Company and Queen/David Bowie's Under Pressure, respectively, as of last Tuesday: 50, 40
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Another green puppy is born…
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CHEERS to parameter-mentum! Big news on the Build Back Better bill. We have a framework, people. An outline, a blueprint, a floor plan, a skeleton, a summary, a superstructure, a scaffold, a dais, a latticework, a thumbnail sketch, a ground plan, a rough draft…WE FINALLY HAVE BUILD BACK BETTER CLIFFS NOTES, PEOPLE!!! You can read about what's in the $1.75 trillion wish list here, but here are a few nuggets that have survived:
And that's just for the Republicans in Congress. Wait'll you see what the rest of us are getting!
JEERS to putting lipstick on a pig. The skies opened yesterday over Planet Earth as our supreme overlord Mark Zuckerberg poked the unwashed masses. Seems he's shaking up his empire, and oh boy are things going to be different soon. You won’t believe it. Instead of just owning a shitbag operation that profits off of hate, fear, and disinformation called Facebook, we’re getting a brand-new shitbag operation that profits off of hate, fear, and disinformation called Meta. All kneel and praise it. Or else you’ll be vaporized. Did I mention Meta is laser-based?
CHEERS to the fed-up female. On today's date in 1966, the National Organization for Women (NOW) held its first conference and adopted its original Statement of Purpose in Washington D.C. That purpose: to help reduce the extent to which men are allowed to act like pigs...
Today NOW is “the largest organization of feminist grassroots activists in the United States” with “actions and positions on the issues that are principled, uncompromising and often ahead of their time.” We completely agree. But as usual, ladies, tonight I'm still gonna open the door for ya.
CHEERS to #2. And happy 286th birthday to John Adams, born October 30, 1735. A few toasts from his colleagues:
Okay, well, that was fun. Pay your respects here. But watch your words—he still thinks the Alien and Sedition Acts are in effect.
CHEERS to home vegetation. If a poltergeist doesn't suck us into the TV first ("Come into the light, Billeh! We haz teh candy corns!"), we might get some decent cathode-ray-tubage in this weekend.
Game 3 is tonight.
Tonight after Chris Hayes, and Rachel Maddow scare us to death with the day’s news on MSNBC, HBO's Real Time features guests Sen. Chris Coons, Caitlan Flanigan of The Atlantic, and unrepentant asshole zombie Sean Spicer. New movies and home video releases include Wes Anderson's The French Dispatch and Last Night in Soho. Game three of the World Series is tonight (Fox), with the Houston Astros tied with The Atlanta Braves one game apiece. (Game 4 is tomorrow night and game 5 is Sunday.) The NFL schedule is here, the NBA schedule is here, and the NHL schedule is here.
Owen Wilson hosts an encore edition of SNL. On 60 Minutes: the wives of Nicaraguan political prisoners speak out. And HBO sweeps the rest of Sunday night with a new episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm at 10 and another chorus of "Welcome, welcome, welcome!" on an all-new edition of John Oliver's Last Week Tonight.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: October 29, 2011
JEERS to government by thuggery. Over in Syria, police in Darth Vader helmets turned out by the hundreds, firing teargas and other assorted armaments at a large gathering of citizens protesting for democracy and freedom. The streets were filled with choking smoke and ear-shattering explosions against a backdrop of screams, bloodshed and chaos, which the civilized world has roundly condemned for its brutality and savagery. Oh, wait…sorry…I meant to say Oakland, California. I get 'em confused sometimes.
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And just one more…
JEERS to no-shows. Harry Houdini died 95 years ago this Sunday—yes, on Halloween—but not from one of his death-defying magic tricks. It was a ruptured appendix…but spooky nonetheless:
If you're conducting a séance on Halloween and you smell burnt cannoli, you'll know you've erroneously reached Antonin Scalia. Dog shit? Jerry Falwell.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Continued...
"Donald Trump announced the launch of his own social media network he's calling Truth Social. But most people know it by its original name: The National Sex Offender Registry." —Michael Che, SNL
"While visiting an elementary school in New Jersey, President Biden stopped to help a student pick up pieces of their block tower after it had fallen over. Or he tried to, but Joe Manchin kept getting in the way." —Seth Meyers
“Rep. Mo Brooks washed his hands of any involvement with Capitol riot organizers, but said ‘his staff might have been involved.’ Way to throw your team under the campaign bus. Reminds us of Harry Truman’s famous plaque...
—Stephen Colbert
"The constant refrain we hear from cops every time they kill an unarmed Black person is, 'They should have complied with the law, because as long as you comply, things will supposedly go well.' But that only seems to work one way. Because when officers are asked to follow simple rules or face consequences, a not-insignificant amount of them flip their shit. So you know what? If an officer wants to quit over this [vaccine mandate], fucking let them. Let the individuals who clearly don't care about public safety stop being in charge of public safety." —John Oliver
"Teachers in Texas shouldn’t be teaching an opposing view of the Holocaust in schools. That's Facebook's job. Stay in your lane!" —Trevor Noah
Every October I’m kidnapped and forced to scare birds at a local pumpkin patch. —Conan O'Brien via Twitter
And now, our feature presentation…
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Cheers and Jeers for Friday, October 29, 2021
Note: Tomorrow is National Candy Corn Day, and you must resist the efforts by the Democrat Party—aided and abetted by Big Skittle, Big Reese, and Big M&M—to win their War on Halloween by eating fistfuls of candy corn now before you get murdered by Hillary Clinton, assisted by illegals from the caravan, in a socialist re-education camp run by Soros, AOC, and leaky Adam Schiff. Also buy lots of gold and Mr. Pillow pillows and whatever Pat Boone is selling today. Or, again, and I can’t stress this enough, you’ll be murdered.
—National GOP Candy Corn Council, Lauren Boebert, self-appointed honorary president
-
By the Numbers:
2022 Obamacare enrollment starts Monday.
Days 'til election day 2021: 4
Days 'til 2022 Obamacare enrollment begins: 3
Minimum number of LGBTQ+ candidates who ran or are running for office in 2021, a 7% increase over the last odd-numbered election year of 2019: 410
Increase in private-sector wages in September from a year earlier: 4.6%
Number of sites California is getting ready for administering 1.2 million coronavirus vaccines to kids age 5-11: 4,000
New hourly minimum wage at Costco as of next Monday, up a buck: $17
Rank of Skittles, Reese's Cups, and M&Ms among most popular Halloween candy, according to Candystore.com: #1, #2, #3
Age of The Electric Company and Queen/David Bowie's Under Pressure, respectively, as of last Tuesday: 50, 40
-
Puppy Pic of the Day: Another green puppy is born…
-
CHEERS to parameter-mentum! Big news on the Build Back Better bill. We have a framework, people. An outline, a blueprint, a floor plan, a skeleton, a summary, a superstructure, a scaffold, a dais, a latticework, a thumbnail sketch, a ground plan, a rough draft…WE FINALLY HAVE BUILD BACK BETTER CLIFFS NOTES, PEOPLE!!! You can read about what's in the $1.75 trillion wish list here, but here are a few nuggets that have survived:
» Daycare for those among us with the least-developed brains, complete with nappy time, show 'n tell, and chocolate milk at noon
Lots in the BBB bill for children!
» Universal pre-K classes, including the basics on forming letters and words, and coherent ideas
» Financial assistance to buy hearing devices that allow for more effective listening
» Extra assistance for mental health issues
» Assistance for those who can't properly dress and groom themselves
» Anger management classes
And that's just for the Republicans in Congress. Wait'll you see what the rest of us are getting!
JEERS to putting lipstick on a pig. The skies opened yesterday over Planet Earth as our supreme overlord Mark Zuckerberg poked the unwashed masses. Seems he's shaking up his empire, and oh boy are things going to be different soon. You won’t believe it. Instead of just owning a shitbag operation that profits off of hate, fear, and disinformation called Facebook, we’re getting a brand-new shitbag operation that profits off of hate, fear, and disinformation called Meta. All kneel and praise it. Or else you’ll be vaporized. Did I mention Meta is laser-based?
CHEERS to the fed-up female. On today's date in 1966, the National Organization for Women (NOW) held its first conference and adopted its original Statement of Purpose in Washington D.C. That purpose: to help reduce the extent to which men are allowed to act like pigs...
We, men and women who hereby constitute ourselves as the National Organization for Women, believe that the time has come for a new movement toward true equality for all women in America, and toward a fully equal partnership of the sexes, as part of the world-wide revolution of human rights now taking place within and beyond our national borders.
A lot of women have worn down a lot of shoe leather marching for NOW. And they’re just getting started.
The purpose of NOW is to take action to bring women into full participation in the mainstream of American society now, exercising all the privileges and responsibilities thereof in truly equal partnership with men.
We believe the time has come to move beyond the abstract argument, discussion and symposia over the status and special nature of women which has raged in America in recent years; the time has come to confront, with concrete action, the conditions that now prevent women from enjoying the equality of opportunity and freedom of choice which is their right, as individual Americans, and as human beings.
Today NOW is “the largest organization of feminist grassroots activists in the United States” with “actions and positions on the issues that are principled, uncompromising and often ahead of their time.” We completely agree. But as usual, ladies, tonight I'm still gonna open the door for ya.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to #2. And happy 286th birthday to John Adams, born October 30, 1735. A few toasts from his colleagues:
"He's actually insane!"
—Sec. of War James McHenry
"Sometimes absolutely mad!"
—Ben Franklin
I visited Adams’ tomb in a church basement in Quincy, Mass. I reached out to touch it. He slapped my hand.
"He is vain, irritable, and a bad calculator of the force and probable effect of the motives which govern men."
—Thomas Jefferson
I’ll tell in a trice-
‘Tis old Daddy Vice
Who carries of pride an ass-load;
Who turns up his nose,
Wherever he goes,
With vanity swelled like a toad.
—Rep. John Page of Virginia
Okay, well, that was fun. Pay your respects here. But watch your words—he still thinks the Alien and Sedition Acts are in effect.
CHEERS to home vegetation. If a poltergeist doesn't suck us into the TV first ("Come into the light, Billeh! We haz teh candy corns!"), we might get some decent cathode-ray-tubage in this weekend.
Game 3 is tonight.
Tonight after Chris Hayes, and Rachel Maddow scare us to death with the day’s news on MSNBC, HBO's Real Time features guests Sen. Chris Coons, Caitlan Flanigan of The Atlantic, and unrepentant asshole zombie Sean Spicer. New movies and home video releases include Wes Anderson's The French Dispatch and Last Night in Soho. Game three of the World Series is tonight (Fox), with the Houston Astros tied with The Atlanta Braves one game apiece. (Game 4 is tomorrow night and game 5 is Sunday.) The NFL schedule is here, the NBA schedule is here, and the NHL schedule is here.
Owen Wilson hosts an encore edition of SNL. On 60 Minutes: the wives of Nicaraguan political prisoners speak out. And HBO sweeps the rest of Sunday night with a new episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm at 10 and another chorus of "Welcome, welcome, welcome!" on an all-new edition of John Oliver's Last Week Tonight.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: Energy Secretary Jennifer Granholm; Terry McAuliffe; Georgia Secretary of State Brad Raffensperger; the pundit “round” table will be the same shape as Chuck Todd’s dumb head Ha Ha Ha Ha.
Sunday shows brought to you this week by Pumpkin Spice Ivermectin. Quack medicine never smelled so cozy.
This Week: Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg; Rep. Adam Kinzinger of the Jan. 6 Select Committee (R-IL); the pundit “round” table will be full of “squares” Ha Ha Ha Ha.
Face the Nation: Secretary of State Antony Blinken; Secretary of Commerce Gina Raimondo; Reps. Ro Khanna (D-CA) and John Curtis (R-UT); Dr. Claire Boogaard, Medical Director of the COVID-19 Vaccine Program at Children's National Hospital; the pundit “round” table will be full of nerds trying to “triangulate” Ha Ha Ha Ha.
CNN's State of the Union: Secretary of State Antony Blinken; Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-VT); the pundit “round” table will smell like a “dirty dodecahedron” that needs a bath Ha Ha Ha Ha.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg; the pundit “round” table will be full of “Q”uadrilateral conspiracy theories Ha Ha Ha Ha.
Happy viewing!
-
Ten years ago in C&J: October 29, 2011
JEERS to government by thuggery. Over in Syria, police in Darth Vader helmets turned out by the hundreds, firing teargas and other assorted armaments at a large gathering of citizens protesting for democracy and freedom. The streets were filled with choking smoke and ear-shattering explosions against a backdrop of screams, bloodshed and chaos, which the civilized world has roundly condemned for its brutality and savagery. Oh, wait…sorry…I meant to say Oakland, California. I get 'em confused sometimes.
-
And just one more…
JEERS to no-shows. Harry Houdini died 95 years ago this Sunday—yes, on Halloween—but not from one of his death-defying magic tricks. It was a ruptured appendix…but spooky nonetheless:
Houdini was 52 years old when he died, the exact number of playing cards in a deck. Further, he was born 26 years before the start of the new century, and died 26 years into the next one—as if his "life's deck" had been deftly cut in half by Fate, the ultimate magician.
After I die, if you smell Twinkies you’ll know I’m in the vicinity.
For a full ten years after Houdini's death, his wife Bess conducted a séance on October 31.These séances were always attended by the top names in magic, as well as personal friends of the great magician. Houdini had told Bess that if it were possible, he would send a message to her "from beyond" in secret code. Though Bess herself stopped participating in the séances after 1937,members of the magic fraternity have kept the tradition.
If you're conducting a séance on Halloween and you smell burnt cannoli, you'll know you've erroneously reached Antonin Scalia. Dog shit? Jerry Falwell.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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