Late Night Snark: Uneventful Week Edition
Continued...
And now, our feature presentation…
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, November 5, 2021
Note: No C&J on Monday so we can single-handedly storm the Virginia Capitol, throw poop on the walls, pee in the Speaker's desk, and install Terry McAuliffe to his rightful place in the governor's chair. Back on Tuesday with a stolen lectern and a smartphone full of memories. —Mgt.
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By the Numbers:
8 days!!!
Days 'til the end of Atlantic hurricane season: 25
Days 'til the San Francisco Coffee Festival: 8
Percent of Americans polled by Gallup in August and October, respectively, who believed the Covid-19 situation was improving: 15%, 51%
Minimum number of openly LGBTQ elected officials in the U.S. following several wins on Tuesday: 1,000
Average number of times your skin will replace itself over your lifetime: 900
Approximate amount of time you'll spend on the toilet during your lifetime: 3 months
Percent chance Paul Newman's unpublished autobiography is expected to finally see the light of day next year, 14 years after he died: 100%
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Joyride…
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CHEERS to jobs, jobs, jobs, jobs, jobs. Tuesday's elections were kinda sucky for President Biden—not much argument there. But he sure does end the week on a high note with both his decisive covid "vaccine or test" mandate and this week's late-breaking economic news, which was all sunshine:
Tonight in the C&J café to celebrate the good news: free nachos with your choice of dipping sauces: salsa, cheese, or conservative tears.
CHEERS to setting a date certain. Not long ago President Biden looked the anti-vaxxers in the eye on national TV and said: "We've been patient, but our patience is wearing thin. And your refusal has cost all of us." And many of the anti-vaxxers spat on him and went on spreading their Covid. So now Biden has drawn a line in the sand, and it's coming soon…
The pandemic has now cost us 770,000 lives (more than the population of Seattle) and reduced our life expectancy by more than any other high-income country except Russia. And that, kids, is your brain on Republicanism. Any questions?
CHEERS to getting an extra hour of sleep. Daylight Saving Time ends at 2am Sunday. (Yes, you must stay up 'til 2am to change your clocks or else DST won’t end properly and you'll have to destroy all your clocks and start over, according to the Association of American Clock Sellers.) It's the usual routine: If you're a Democrat, turn your clocks back one hour. If you're a Republican, turn your clocks back 300 years.
CHEERS to having a valid bee in your bonnet. On November 5, 1872, Susan B. Anthony (and several other feisty ladies with equality on their minds) made a beeline for her local polling place and voted for the first time. It was a shining, glorious moment for…well, for a moment, because Anthony was arrested, tried and fined $100. She said up yours, the judge said okay fine whatever, and she was free to go. Forty-eight years later, women finally, officially secured the right to vote.
The winner in 1920: Horrible Harding. It was all smooth sailing from there. I mean...right?
CHEERS to compassionate conservatism. On November 6, 1986, mediocre President Ronald Reagan did something decent by signing into law the Immigration Reform and Control Act which, among other things, provided amnesty to 3 million undocumented immigrants. Or as today's Republicans like to say, "Absolutely nothing happened on this date in 1986 so shut up, shut up, and shut up."
CHEERS to home vegetation. Hooray! We can turn on our TVs again without getting smashed in the face with non-stop political ads. So what's the first thing we're doing tonight? Tuning into Chris Hayes and Rachel Maddow to get smashed in the face with political analysis. (Oy…I'm a lost cause.) Then at 10 on HBO's Real Time, Bill Maher talks with Sen. Amy Klobuchar (D-MN), Michael Eric Dyson, and Brown University economics professor Glenn Loury.
Billy’s Hot Tip of the Week: Put all your money in two-ton cabinet TVs and mirrored walls. They’re totally poised to make a comeback.
The new movies and home videos, new and old, are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. The NFL schedule is here, the NBA schedule is here, and the NHL schedule is here. The Breeder’s Cup is tomorrow night at 8 on NBC. (I’m not familiar with it, but I think it’s wiener dogs doing two laps around the track.) Kieran Culkin hosts SNL with musical guest Ed Sheeran.
Sunday on 60 Minutes: a report on “Carnegie Heroes” and how brain structure influences heroism. A ruthless debt collector visits Springfield on The Simpsons, while Stewie panics when he thinks he has a case of terminal cooties on Family Guy. And John Oliver is back at 11 with his post-election thoughts on HBO's Last Week Tonight.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: November 5, 2011
JEERS to weird juxtapositions. In Mississippi, voters are on the cusp of OK’ing a tea-party-approved measure (gee, I thought they were taking a hands-off approach to social issues. I guess they lied…) tomorrow that would label a fertilized egg a human being, deserving of all the rights and protections we can bestow on young'uns. Unfortunately, a case in Texas reveals that those rights don’t include protection from grownups who vent their rage with a prolonged assault on their God-created children with a belt. Or as they prefer to call it: introducing our youth to the finer points of leathercraft. Precious moments.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to dastardly deeds definitively denied. Happy Guy Fawkes Day & Bonfire Night! Via the UK Telegraph, for the uninitiated:
So, basically, it commemorates the time when an extremist organized a bunch of other extremists to weasel their way into the government and destroy its ability to govern. Or as we call it over here: a day ending in "y" in MAGA Land.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Continued...
You are now below the fold. Please remember to tip your naked mole rat.
And now, our feature presentation…
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Cheers and Jeers for Friday, November 5, 2021
Note: No C&J on Monday so we can single-handedly storm the Virginia Capitol, throw poop on the walls, pee in the Speaker's desk, and install Terry McAuliffe to his rightful place in the governor's chair. Back on Tuesday with a stolen lectern and a smartphone full of memories. —Mgt.
-
By the Numbers:
8 days!!!
Days 'til the end of Atlantic hurricane season: 25
Days 'til the San Francisco Coffee Festival: 8
Percent of Americans polled by Gallup in August and October, respectively, who believed the Covid-19 situation was improving: 15%, 51%
Minimum number of openly LGBTQ elected officials in the U.S. following several wins on Tuesday: 1,000
Average number of times your skin will replace itself over your lifetime: 900
Approximate amount of time you'll spend on the toilet during your lifetime: 3 months
Percent chance Paul Newman's unpublished autobiography is expected to finally see the light of day next year, 14 years after he died: 100%
-
Puppy Pic of the Day: Joyride…
-
CHEERS to jobs, jobs, jobs, jobs, jobs. Tuesday's elections were kinda sucky for President Biden—not much argument there. But he sure does end the week on a high note with both his decisive covid "vaccine or test" mandate and this week's late-breaking economic news, which was all sunshine:
First, the labor market appears to be rounding a corner—finally—in its recovery from Covid-19 shutdowns, as employers added more than half a million jobs last month, handily exceeding expectations. [August and September's numbers were also adjusted upward.]
I hear it’s all the rage these days.
Then there was even more to cheer with news that Pfizer's experimental coronavirus pill reduced the risk of hospitalization and death in a trial. […]
It's hard to imagine anything but high fives and cheers in the West Wing with those headlines circulating, all before 9 am ET. As the White House rolls out contentious vaccine requirements for roughly 100 million Americans, Biden could hardly ask for better numbers to bolster his case that vaccinations are the key to getting the economy back on track.
Tonight in the C&J café to celebrate the good news: free nachos with your choice of dipping sauces: salsa, cheese, or conservative tears.
CHEERS to setting a date certain. Not long ago President Biden looked the anti-vaxxers in the eye on national TV and said: "We've been patient, but our patience is wearing thin. And your refusal has cost all of us." And many of the anti-vaxxers spat on him and went on spreading their Covid. So now Biden has drawn a line in the sand, and it's coming soon…
The Biden administration announced Thursday that its vaccine rules applying to private businesses with 100 or more employees, certain health care workers and federal contractors will take effect January 4. […]
60 days to get the shot.
"Vaccination is the single best pathway out of this pandemic. And while I would have much preferred that requirements not become necessary, too many people remain unvaccinated for us to get out of this pandemic for good. So I instituted requirements—and they are working," Biden said in a statement.
Eighty-four million employees working at large employers and 17 million health care workers at facilities participating in Medicare and Medicaid will be covered by the rules implemented by the Department of Labor's Occupational Safety and Health Administration and the Centers for Medicare & Medicaid Services.
The pandemic has now cost us 770,000 lives (more than the population of Seattle) and reduced our life expectancy by more than any other high-income country except Russia. And that, kids, is your brain on Republicanism. Any questions?
CHEERS to getting an extra hour of sleep. Daylight Saving Time ends at 2am Sunday. (Yes, you must stay up 'til 2am to change your clocks or else DST won’t end properly and you'll have to destroy all your clocks and start over, according to the Association of American Clock Sellers.) It's the usual routine: If you're a Democrat, turn your clocks back one hour. If you're a Republican, turn your clocks back 300 years.
CHEERS to having a valid bee in your bonnet. On November 5, 1872, Susan B. Anthony (and several other feisty ladies with equality on their minds) made a beeline for her local polling place and voted for the first time. It was a shining, glorious moment for…well, for a moment, because Anthony was arrested, tried and fined $100. She said up yours, the judge said okay fine whatever, and she was free to go. Forty-eight years later, women finally, officially secured the right to vote.
The winner in 1920: Horrible Harding. It was all smooth sailing from there. I mean...right?
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CHEERS to compassionate conservatism. On November 6, 1986, mediocre President Ronald Reagan did something decent by signing into law the Immigration Reform and Control Act which, among other things, provided amnesty to 3 million undocumented immigrants. Or as today's Republicans like to say, "Absolutely nothing happened on this date in 1986 so shut up, shut up, and shut up."
CHEERS to home vegetation. Hooray! We can turn on our TVs again without getting smashed in the face with non-stop political ads. So what's the first thing we're doing tonight? Tuning into Chris Hayes and Rachel Maddow to get smashed in the face with political analysis. (Oy…I'm a lost cause.) Then at 10 on HBO's Real Time, Bill Maher talks with Sen. Amy Klobuchar (D-MN), Michael Eric Dyson, and Brown University economics professor Glenn Loury.
Billy’s Hot Tip of the Week: Put all your money in two-ton cabinet TVs and mirrored walls. They’re totally poised to make a comeback.
The new movies and home videos, new and old, are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. The NFL schedule is here, the NBA schedule is here, and the NHL schedule is here. The Breeder’s Cup is tomorrow night at 8 on NBC. (I’m not familiar with it, but I think it’s wiener dogs doing two laps around the track.) Kieran Culkin hosts SNL with musical guest Ed Sheeran.
Sunday on 60 Minutes: a report on “Carnegie Heroes” and how brain structure influences heroism. A ruthless debt collector visits Springfield on The Simpsons, while Stewie panics when he thinks he has a case of terminal cooties on Family Guy. And John Oliver is back at 11 with his post-election thoughts on HBO's Last Week Tonight.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: New Zealand Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern.
Ironically, Surgeon General Vivek Murthy (on ABC’s “This Week” Sunday morning) has never performed surgery on a general.
This Week: Surgeon General Vivek Murthy; ABC News’ climate correspondent reports on the Scotland climate summit.
Face the Nation: Senior Adviser to the President Cedric Richmond; Sen. Tim Kaine (D-VA); FedEx Executive Leadership Chairman and CEO Fred Smith; Editor-in-Chief of the Cook Political Report Amy Walter; former FDA commissioner Scott Gottlieb.
CNN's State of the Union: New York City Mayor-elect Eric Adams; Sen. Mark Warner (D-VA); Gov. Larry Hogan (R-MD).
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: TBA
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: November 5, 2011
JEERS to weird juxtapositions. In Mississippi, voters are on the cusp of OK’ing a tea-party-approved measure (gee, I thought they were taking a hands-off approach to social issues. I guess they lied…) tomorrow that would label a fertilized egg a human being, deserving of all the rights and protections we can bestow on young'uns. Unfortunately, a case in Texas reveals that those rights don’t include protection from grownups who vent their rage with a prolonged assault on their God-created children with a belt. Or as they prefer to call it: introducing our youth to the finer points of leathercraft. Precious moments.
-
And just one more…
CHEERS to dastardly deeds definitively denied. Happy Guy Fawkes Day & Bonfire Night! Via the UK Telegraph, for the uninitiated:
Bonfire Night commemorates the failure of the Gunpowder Plot in November 1605 by a gang of Roman Catholic activists led by Warwickshire-born Robert Catesby. When Protestant King James I began his reign, English Catholics had hoped that the persecution felt for over 45 years under his predecessor Queen Elizabeth would finally end, but this didn't transpire so the Gunpowder Plot conspirators resolved to assassinate the King and his ministers by blowing up the Palace of Westminster during the state opening of Parliament.
Hey, watch that lantern! You’ll poke your eye out.
Guy (Guido) Fawkes and his fellow conspirators, having rented out a house close to the Houses of Parliament, managed to smuggle 36 barrels of gunpowder into a cellar of the House of Lords—enough to completely destroy the building. […] Explosive expert Fawkes, who had been left in the cellars to set off the fuse, was subsequently caught when a group of guards checked the cellars at the last moment. The conspirators were all either killed resisting capture or—like Fawkes—tried, convicted, and executed.
Guy Fawkes Day is celebrated in the United Kingdom, and in a number of countries that were formerly part of the British Empire, with fireworks, bonfires and parades.
So, basically, it commemorates the time when an extremist organized a bunch of other extremists to weasel their way into the government and destroy its ability to govern. Or as we call it over here: a day ending in "y" in MAGA Land.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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