Late Night Snark: Planes, Trains & Automobiles Edition
Continued…
And now, our feature presentation...
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, November 12, 2021
Note: If you desire a glass of milk in the Cheers and Jeers cafeteria tonight, our non-negotiable price is one…billlllllion…dollars. Bwoo ha-ha. Bwoo ha-ha. —Evil Chef Lactose
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By the Numbers:
8 days!!!
Days 'til the start of Hanukkah: 16
Days 'til Julefest at Seattle's National Nordic Museum: 8
Time of the "sweet spot" for falling asleep for maximum cardiovascular benefit, according to a report in European Heart Journal—Digital Health: 10-11pm
Percent higher risk of developing heart disease if you fall asleep at midnight or later: 25%
Number of oil and gas lobbyists who registered to attend the COP26 climate change conference in Scotland: 503
Number of separate companies General Electric is breaking itself into, ending its 130 years as a conglomerate: 3 (Aviation, Energy, Health Care)
Number of steps on the stoop of 123 Sesame Street: 6
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Personally, I support this remake of Ben Hur…
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CHEERS to Planet Progress. The United Nations climate talks in Glasgow, Scotland wrapped up today, and they were as busy as a solar-powered bee. Here's a quick summary of what was accomplished over the last two weeks:
But most important, they agreed on the shape of the negotiating table for next year's conference: dodecahedron. Excellent choice.
JEERS to justice delayed. Hi, everybody! Welcome to the United States legal system, where our motto when dealing with rich white people, no matter how crooked, treasonous, or scumbaggy, is: Hurry Up And Wait…
So what happens now is, we wait three weeks to get a ruling. Then the ruling is appealed to the Supreme Court. The Supreme Court sides with Trump and then throws Biden in jail for having the gall to cross God's Chosen One. Kamala Harris becomes president and chooses Hillary as her vice president. Kamala resigns "to spend more time with my family," Hillary becomes president, chooses Kamala as her vice president, who accepts because "Eh, that was enough time to spend with my family." Then Hillary pardons Biden, expands the Supreme Court with 18 new liberals, give or take, brings Manchin and Sinema into line with a baseball bat ("My little friend"), and passes a $290 trillion Build Back Better Bill, resulting in Democratic supermajorities in all the elections forever. Mmmm…I love the smell of 11-dimensional chess in the evening.
CHEERS to free choice. 228 years ago this week, France ended the forced worship of God. God immediately responded by renaming two of his cafeteria dishes in Heaven "freedom fries" and "freedom toast." Snowflake.
CHEERS to famous firsts. On November 12, 1964, Ohio-born Paula Murphy set a female land speed record while behind the wheel of the 10,000 horsepower "Avenger." Her top speed as she tore across a Utah salt flat (with a pillow behind her so she could reach the pedals): 243.44 mph.
A freaking jet engine on wheels.
And to answer your question: yes, she got the parking space.
CHEERS to home vegetation. There's one single leaf still hangin' on for dear life in the backyard, and I refuse to start raking until it drops. So until then, it's weekend boob-tubage. As always, MSNBC is the place to go for details of any Friday night news dumps. On HBO's Real Time, Bill Maher talks with Kevin "Mr. Wonderful" O'Leary from Shark Tank, Tavis Smiley, and House Intelligence Committee chair Rep. Adam Schiff (D-CA).
John Oliver wraps up another season of HBO’s ‘Last Week Tonight’ this weekend, and the mutant attack squirrels are NOT happy.
The new movies (Kenneth Branagh’s Belfast and a new documentary on Julia Child top the list) and home videos are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. Jonathan Majors hosts SNL with musical guest Taylor Swift. The NFL schedule is here, the NBA schedule is here, and the NHL schedule is here. Also: tomorrow and Sunday afternoon, NBC lists a figure skating event as the "ISU Grand Prix," which I guess means figure skaters driving around the rink in Formula One cars???
Sunday on 60 Minutes: a report on the reasons for the supply-chain crisis. Then on The Simpsons, things between Ned and Homer go from bad to worse, and Lois attends the funeral of her childhood nanny on Family Guy (hilarity ensues). Sunday on HBO: new episodes of Succession, Curb Your Enthusiasm, and the season finale (sob) at 11 of John Oliver's Last Week Tonight. But CBS owns the end of the weekend starting at 8:30 when it airs Adele: One Night Only, featuring new music and an interview with Oprah. I think you have to watch it or you'll be charged with Negligent Superstar Snubbing. I hear it's a felony.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: November 12, 2011
JEERS to falling off the proverbial cliff. The Dow plunged 400 points yesterday. Economists tell me you can thank Italy and its sleazeball pervert prime minister for creating a sense of panic in the world markets. Apparently the main problem is that the European Union no longer accepts spicy meat-uh-balls as collateral. Which leads me to today's C&J market tip: convert everything you have into General Tso's chicken.
-
And just one more…
JEERS to partly sunny skies with a chance of flying blubber. Ever wonder why no one blows up dead whales anymore? Great question! On November 12, 1970, the Oregon Highway Division, which apparently controls what goes on down at the shoreline too, thought they could get rid of a rotting beached whale by "vaporizing it" with dynamite and turning it into bite-size snacks for the local blubber-eating wildlife. But it didn’t quite turn out that way. Behold our annual play-by-play of the "exploding whale incident," which features some of the most hilarious news copy I’ve ever heard outside of a sitcom, delivered to perfection by reporter Paul Linnman:
YouTube Video
Join us next week when we'll explain why they don’t do turkey drops anymore, either.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Continued…
You are now below the fold. Sponsored by...Prell.
And now, our feature presentation...
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Cheers and Jeers for Friday, November 12, 2021
Note: If you desire a glass of milk in the Cheers and Jeers cafeteria tonight, our non-negotiable price is one…billlllllion…dollars. Bwoo ha-ha. Bwoo ha-ha. —Evil Chef Lactose
-
By the Numbers:
8 days!!!
Days 'til the start of Hanukkah: 16
Days 'til Julefest at Seattle's National Nordic Museum: 8
Time of the "sweet spot" for falling asleep for maximum cardiovascular benefit, according to a report in European Heart Journal—Digital Health: 10-11pm
Percent higher risk of developing heart disease if you fall asleep at midnight or later: 25%
Number of oil and gas lobbyists who registered to attend the COP26 climate change conference in Scotland: 503
Number of separate companies General Electric is breaking itself into, ending its 130 years as a conglomerate: 3 (Aviation, Energy, Health Care)
Number of steps on the stoop of 123 Sesame Street: 6
-
Puppy Pic of the Day: Personally, I support this remake of Ben Hur…
-
CHEERS to Planet Progress. The United Nations climate talks in Glasgow, Scotland wrapped up today, and they were as busy as a solar-powered bee. Here's a quick summary of what was accomplished over the last two weeks:
» For the first time, they agreed that no fossil fuel company or executive would be getting a Christmas card this year, and could even be mildly tut-tutted during the Airing of Grievances on Festivus.
Simon Kofe of Tuvalu is a candidate in our “who won the week” poll tonight for making his point to the COP26 so unambiguously.
» They agreed that the original framework for the draft of the plan that would establish a benchmark for ratifying the timetable was ready to be sent to the sub-committee to be converted into a pledge for a schematic of the agenda that will establish a milestone for approving the event horizon.
» They agreed to take under advisement Elon Musk's idea for slowing the effects of rising sea levels by filling absorbent SpaceX pods with ocean water and jettisoning them into the sun.
» They all resolved that "This Thunberg kid is gettin’ on our nerves."
» They agreed that Haggis must be eliminated from the planet immediately. Not because it has anything to do with climate change. It's just a general crime against humanity.
But most important, they agreed on the shape of the negotiating table for next year's conference: dodecahedron. Excellent choice.
JEERS to justice delayed. Hi, everybody! Welcome to the United States legal system, where our motto when dealing with rich white people, no matter how crooked, treasonous, or scumbaggy, is: Hurry Up And Wait…
A federal appeals court on Thursday granted a request from former President Donald Trump to temporarily block the National Archives from turning over his White House records to the House committee investigating the Jan. 6 riot at the Capitol.
The committee had been set to receive the first batch of documents, which lawmakers say is key to their investigation, [today]. In papers filed with the appeals court Thursday, lawyers for Trump asked the court to temporarily delay the turnover and "maintain the status quo" while they push ahead with an expedited appeal.
So what happens now is, we wait three weeks to get a ruling. Then the ruling is appealed to the Supreme Court. The Supreme Court sides with Trump and then throws Biden in jail for having the gall to cross God's Chosen One. Kamala Harris becomes president and chooses Hillary as her vice president. Kamala resigns "to spend more time with my family," Hillary becomes president, chooses Kamala as her vice president, who accepts because "Eh, that was enough time to spend with my family." Then Hillary pardons Biden, expands the Supreme Court with 18 new liberals, give or take, brings Manchin and Sinema into line with a baseball bat ("My little friend"), and passes a $290 trillion Build Back Better Bill, resulting in Democratic supermajorities in all the elections forever. Mmmm…I love the smell of 11-dimensional chess in the evening.
CHEERS to free choice. 228 years ago this week, France ended the forced worship of God. God immediately responded by renaming two of his cafeteria dishes in Heaven "freedom fries" and "freedom toast." Snowflake.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to famous firsts. On November 12, 1964, Ohio-born Paula Murphy set a female land speed record while behind the wheel of the 10,000 horsepower "Avenger." Her top speed as she tore across a Utah salt flat (with a pillow behind her so she could reach the pedals): 243.44 mph.
A freaking jet engine on wheels.
And to answer your question: yes, she got the parking space.
CHEERS to home vegetation. There's one single leaf still hangin' on for dear life in the backyard, and I refuse to start raking until it drops. So until then, it's weekend boob-tubage. As always, MSNBC is the place to go for details of any Friday night news dumps. On HBO's Real Time, Bill Maher talks with Kevin "Mr. Wonderful" O'Leary from Shark Tank, Tavis Smiley, and House Intelligence Committee chair Rep. Adam Schiff (D-CA).
John Oliver wraps up another season of HBO’s ‘Last Week Tonight’ this weekend, and the mutant attack squirrels are NOT happy.
The new movies (Kenneth Branagh’s Belfast and a new documentary on Julia Child top the list) and home videos are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. Jonathan Majors hosts SNL with musical guest Taylor Swift. The NFL schedule is here, the NBA schedule is here, and the NHL schedule is here. Also: tomorrow and Sunday afternoon, NBC lists a figure skating event as the "ISU Grand Prix," which I guess means figure skaters driving around the rink in Formula One cars???
Sunday on 60 Minutes: a report on the reasons for the supply-chain crisis. Then on The Simpsons, things between Ned and Homer go from bad to worse, and Lois attends the funeral of her childhood nanny on Family Guy (hilarity ensues). Sunday on HBO: new episodes of Succession, Curb Your Enthusiasm, and the season finale (sob) at 11 of John Oliver's Last Week Tonight. But CBS owns the end of the weekend starting at 8:30 when it airs Adele: One Night Only, featuring new music and an interview with Oprah. I think you have to watch it or you'll be charged with Negligent Superstar Snubbing. I hear it's a felony.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: House Intelligence Committee chair Rep. Adam Schiff (D-CA); Gov. Chris Sununu (R-NH); National Economic Council Director Brian Deese.
Some say “This Week” is turning 40 this weekend. Others disagree. And we’ll have to leave it there.
This Week: National Economic Council Director Brian Deese; Creepy Sen. John Barasso (Cult-WY); ABC News chief Washington correspondent hawks his new book Betrayal.
Face the Nation: Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen; Gov. Jared Polis (D-CO); World Bank Group President David Malpass; Minneapolis Fed president Neel Kashkari; former FDA commissioner Scott Gottlieb.
CNN's State of the Union: Rep. Karen Bass (D-CA); National Economic Council Director Brian Deese; Rep. Fred Upton (R-MI), who is currently enduring death threats after voting for the infrastructure bill.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Surgeon General Vivek Murthy; Still-under-indictment Texas AG Ken Paxton.
Happy viewing!
-
Ten years ago in C&J: November 12, 2011
JEERS to falling off the proverbial cliff. The Dow plunged 400 points yesterday. Economists tell me you can thank Italy and its sleazeball pervert prime minister for creating a sense of panic in the world markets. Apparently the main problem is that the European Union no longer accepts spicy meat-uh-balls as collateral. Which leads me to today's C&J market tip: convert everything you have into General Tso's chicken.
-
And just one more…
JEERS to partly sunny skies with a chance of flying blubber. Ever wonder why no one blows up dead whales anymore? Great question! On November 12, 1970, the Oregon Highway Division, which apparently controls what goes on down at the shoreline too, thought they could get rid of a rotting beached whale by "vaporizing it" with dynamite and turning it into bite-size snacks for the local blubber-eating wildlife. But it didn’t quite turn out that way. Behold our annual play-by-play of the "exploding whale incident," which features some of the most hilarious news copy I’ve ever heard outside of a sitcom, delivered to perfection by reporter Paul Linnman:
YouTube Video
-
Join us next week when we'll explain why they don’t do turkey drops anymore, either.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
-