Late Night Snark: 2009 Wayback Machine Edition
The late-night hosts are off this week, so we thought it'd be fun to see what the hell was going on in our world when President Obama reached his six-month mark, as his former VP/current POTUS did ten days ago. Some one-liners from July, 2009, when we were still using Oxy10 by the gallon and our voices were just starting to change:
Continued...
And this from The Daily Show’s Jon Stewart (remember him?), as birther mania reached a fever pitch among the future Trump cultists:
Ingenious. And now, our feature presentation...
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, July 30, 2021
Note: Just a heads-up that there will be no C&J on Monday for disciplinary reasons. Back Tuesday with a retraction, an apology, a mea culpa, and regrets…I'll have a few, but then again, too few to mention. —Mgt.
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By the Numbers:
15 days!!!
Days 'til Barack Obama's 60th birthday: 5
Days 'til the Clarksville Sunflower Festival in Ellicott City, Maryland: 15
Portion of Americans polled by Morning Consult who say federal, state and local governments, as well as employers, schools and businesses, should require vaccinations for residents, customers and workers: 3-in-5
Rank of Vermont among the most-vaccinated states (84% among those over age 12): #1
Overall approval among Democrats and Republicans, respectively, for the job the Supreme Court is doing, according to Gallup polling: 51%, 51%
Percent increase in cars entering Yellowstone National Park on Memorial Day weekend, versus pre-pandemic 2019: 50%
Percent chance that ketchup was once sold as a medicine: 100%
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Weekend plans…
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CHEERS and JEERS to good news and bad news on the economy, depending on which headline happens to pass before your eyeballs. The bare-bones upshot: GDP is growing at an annual rate of 6.5 percent. Or as the media headlines reported it yesterday afternoon:
Clear?
CHEERS to signature events. Today marks the 56th anniversary of a milestone that reminds us what a Democratic president and solid Democratic majorities in Congress can accomplish—something that wasn't a slam dunk until late in the game. You know it, you love it, millions can't live without it. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you MEDICARE...
It'll be interesting to see what historians write in 2066 on the 56th anniversary of Obamacare, which adds another pillar of support to that Democratic Party-built structure and is still standing despite active Republican sabotage. I'm optimistic that with steady management and intelligent tweaking, it'll be deemed a success. Of course, the ultimate proof will be revealed in the number of GOP yahoos yelling, "Keep your government hands off my Affordable Care Act!" I think I may join them—I'll be 101 and it'll be a fine way to test out the battering ram on my motorized scooter.
99.95 FAREWELLS IN EASY INSTALLMENTS OF JUST $19.95 to the infomercial king. I never bought a thing Ron Popeil sold, but during my 15-year stint in the bonkers world of direct-response marketing I studied his infomercials and even transcribed them just to feel his finely-tuned sales pitches go through my fingers to the page. Like a laser he targeted the three things that make humans tick: sex, greed, and vanity. Now Ron’s gone at 86, and reaching a whole new audience up in the clouds (and if your cloud is thinning, try new Ronco Spray-on Cloud):
Ron's funeral will be held in the middle of the night and last 30 minutes. But sadly, this time don't wait—there's not more.
JEERS to the politics of fear. 65 years ago—on July 30, 1956—to ward off evil Communist spirits, the phrase "In God We Trust" became our country's national motto, a move led by a Democratic congressman—Charles E. Bennett:
Today people pay for stuff with plastic cards and use paper currency to roll up and snort cocaine. God bless America.
CHEERS to home vegetation. The Olympics are hoovering up all the oxygen on the tube this weekend. NBC has the coverage. Otherwise it's just bare-bones summer fare, starting with the baseball schedule here and the latest movie reviews here at Rotten Tomatoes. Tonight on Real Time, Bill Maher talks with New York City's next mayor Eric Adams, plus Rep. Stacey Plaskett (D-VI) and Bloomberg's Joshua Green. Sunday on 60 Minutes: encore reports on the Mars helicopter, and the doctors and scientists who saw the pandemic coming but were ignored by—[checks notes]—the orange shitgibbon. And the weekend finishes on a high note, thanks to John Oliver and a fresh edition of HBO's Last Week Tonight.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: July 30, 2011
JEERS to the continuing distraction from job creation. This is Day 8 of our ongoing updates on the debt crisis. With four days until the deadline, here's the latest: [Checks paper] [Turns on cable news] [Consults all the top blogs] [Looks out window] We are still ruled by idiots. Next update: Monday.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to remembering that time when the Republicans were awesome!!! Yup—seven years ago this weekend the House Intelligence Committee released the findings of their Benghazi investigation. And just like Trey Gowdy's "select committee" sideshow, what they found was a whole lotta nothin'…
As Joan McCarter noted at the time, Gowdy swore on a stack of Brylcreem that his committee's investigation—quoting here—"would be an objective search for facts, not a partisan attempt to smear Democrats ahead of the 2014 mid-term elections and the 2016 presidential race." And since his lips were moving at the time, naturally he was lying. If they weren't so busy with their current January 6th investigation, I'd suggest that House Democrats demand a select committee investigation into the select committee's investigation, and conduct it at an appropriate venue: under a circus tent.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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The late-night hosts are off this week, so we thought it'd be fun to see what the hell was going on in our world when President Obama reached his six-month mark, as his former VP/current POTUS did ten days ago. Some one-liners from July, 2009, when we were still using Oxy10 by the gallon and our voices were just starting to change:
Continued...
How the #@!!% did you get below the fold? I really need a new bouncer.
"The world's oldest man died. He was 113 and a leading voice of the Young Republicans." —Bill Maher
10 years ago: President Obama with the crew of Apollo 11. -
"Yesterday, to commemorate the 40th anniversary of the moon landing, the three astronauts from Apollo 11 visited the White House. Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin were allowed to set foot inside the White House, while Michael Collins was forced to drive around in circles outside." —Conan O'Brien
"Anybody here from Minnesota? Congratulations, you have a brand new senator: our old friend Al Franken. Al is an interesting guy. Went from being a comedian to politician. George Bush, the other way around." —David Letterman
And this from The Daily Show’s Jon Stewart (remember him?), as birther mania reached a fever pitch among the future Trump cultists:
"Oh my God! Barack Obama's running the old Kenyan Prince Birth Announcement scam! Here's how it goes:
You want to destroy America from the inside but you can't because you're a foreigner. So first, you gotta find yourself a good ol' American to reproduce for you. Then, you have that child on foreign soil, while simultaneously placing the birth announcement of that child in one of our "fringe" state's local newspapers. ... And then, you wait until this baby is a middle-aged man. Now the trap is set—you just sit back and let that child go out and win the election for President of the United States.
Now here's where the scam gets tricky; they can't just win the popular vote. He or she must have a strategy to win the electoral vote—that's what trips up most grifters. But if you pull it off, you and your puppet child can sit back and destroy the fabric of the country you both hate so much. It's almost too easy."
Ingenious. And now, our feature presentation...
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Cheers and Jeers for Friday, July 30, 2021
Note: Just a heads-up that there will be no C&J on Monday for disciplinary reasons. Back Tuesday with a retraction, an apology, a mea culpa, and regrets…I'll have a few, but then again, too few to mention. —Mgt.
-
By the Numbers:
15 days!!!
Days 'til Barack Obama's 60th birthday: 5
Days 'til the Clarksville Sunflower Festival in Ellicott City, Maryland: 15
Portion of Americans polled by Morning Consult who say federal, state and local governments, as well as employers, schools and businesses, should require vaccinations for residents, customers and workers: 3-in-5
Rank of Vermont among the most-vaccinated states (84% among those over age 12): #1
Overall approval among Democrats and Republicans, respectively, for the job the Supreme Court is doing, according to Gallup polling: 51%, 51%
Percent increase in cars entering Yellowstone National Park on Memorial Day weekend, versus pre-pandemic 2019: 50%
Percent chance that ketchup was once sold as a medicine: 100%
-
Puppy Pic of the Day: Weekend plans…
-
CHEERS and JEERS to good news and bad news on the economy, depending on which headline happens to pass before your eyeballs. The bare-bones upshot: GDP is growing at an annual rate of 6.5 percent. Or as the media headlines reported it yesterday afternoon:
• US economy just posted the largest jump in growth since 2020 (CNN)
• GDP increased 6.5%, well below expectations (NBC News)
• U.S. economy surges past pre-pandemic level (CBS News)
“GDP stuffed with vaccine-soaked bamboo fibers—Cyber Ninjas vow full audit” (OAN, probably)
• The G.D.P. numbers reflect a nation still struggling to complete a huge economic readjustment. (New York Times)
• US economy surpasses pre-pandemic size with 6.5% Q2 growth (ABC News)
• U.S. economy grew annual 6.5 percent between April and June, marking full recovery from the pandemic (Washington Post)
• GDP falls far short of expectations as Biden's economic recovery stumbles (Fox News)
• The Economy Is Humming, A New GDP Report Says, But A Slowdown Is Looming (NPR)
Clear?
CHEERS to signature events. Today marks the 56th anniversary of a milestone that reminds us what a Democratic president and solid Democratic majorities in Congress can accomplish—something that wasn't a slam dunk until late in the game. You know it, you love it, millions can't live without it. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you MEDICARE...
The legislative logjam finally broke with the election of 1964, which swept LBJ into the White House behind large Democratic majorities in both houses of Congress. Shortly after that election, a breakthrough occurred when House Ways and Means Chairman Rep. Wilbur Mills (D-Ark.), who had previously blocked Medicare proposals, said, "I can support a payroll tax for financing health benefits just as I have supported a payroll tax for cash benefits."
Johnson signs, Truman watches.
When the long-stalled Medicare effort came before the 89th Congress in January 1965, congressional leaders designated the bills as H.R. 1 and S. 1. Despite determined resistance by organized medicine and some of its congressional allies, the Medicare bill moved forward. A Mills rewrite cleared the House on April 8 by 313-115. The Senate approved its version on July 9 by 68-21. A conference committee labored for more than a week in mid-July to reconcile 513 differences between the two chambers.
At the [July 30] White House bill-signing ceremony, Johnson enrolled [Harry] Truman as the first Medicare beneficiary and presented him with the nation’s first Medicare card.
It'll be interesting to see what historians write in 2066 on the 56th anniversary of Obamacare, which adds another pillar of support to that Democratic Party-built structure and is still standing despite active Republican sabotage. I'm optimistic that with steady management and intelligent tweaking, it'll be deemed a success. Of course, the ultimate proof will be revealed in the number of GOP yahoos yelling, "Keep your government hands off my Affordable Care Act!" I think I may join them—I'll be 101 and it'll be a fine way to test out the battering ram on my motorized scooter.
99.95 FAREWELLS IN EASY INSTALLMENTS OF JUST $19.95 to the infomercial king. I never bought a thing Ron Popeil sold, but during my 15-year stint in the bonkers world of direct-response marketing I studied his infomercials and even transcribed them just to feel his finely-tuned sales pitches go through my fingers to the page. Like a laser he targeted the three things that make humans tick: sex, greed, and vanity. Now Ron’s gone at 86, and reaching a whole new audience up in the clouds (and if your cloud is thinning, try new Ronco Spray-on Cloud):
[H]e was a20th-century man to the core, a cultural descendant of both Thomas Edison and P.T. Barnum. He was a guy whose "As Seen On TV" commercials in the1970s, from the astonishingly wireless Mr. Microphone to the Popeil Pocket Fisherman to the Rhinestone & Stud Setter, became pop-culture touchstones—because he managed to both come up with them and become their public face for the television-soaked generation we now call Gen X.
No one made more products that ended up in closets and yard sales faster than ol’ Ron.
A graduate of the University of Illinois, Popeil, a tireless inventor and founder of Ronco, was also a CEO, sales rep and user-in-chief rolled into one. Be it the Showtime Rotisserie of "Set it and forget it!" fame, or the Food Dehydrator or aerosol cans of GLH-9 (short for "great-looking hair"), Popeil was right there throughout the '80s and'90s, dishing out masterful taglines and no-brainer sales pitches for the kitschiest inventions known to mankind.
Ron's funeral will be held in the middle of the night and last 30 minutes. But sadly, this time don't wait—there's not more.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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JEERS to the politics of fear. 65 years ago—on July 30, 1956—to ward off evil Communist spirits, the phrase "In God We Trust" became our country's national motto, a move led by a Democratic congressman—Charles E. Bennett:
Today people pay for stuff with plastic cards and use paper currency to roll up and snort cocaine. God bless America.
CHEERS to home vegetation. The Olympics are hoovering up all the oxygen on the tube this weekend. NBC has the coverage. Otherwise it's just bare-bones summer fare, starting with the baseball schedule here and the latest movie reviews here at Rotten Tomatoes. Tonight on Real Time, Bill Maher talks with New York City's next mayor Eric Adams, plus Rep. Stacey Plaskett (D-VI) and Bloomberg's Joshua Green. Sunday on 60 Minutes: encore reports on the Mars helicopter, and the doctors and scientists who saw the pandemic coming but were ignored by—[checks notes]—the orange shitgibbon. And the weekend finishes on a high note, thanks to John Oliver and a fresh edition of HBO's Last Week Tonight.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: TBA
Gonna kick some Tapper butt Sunday.
CNN's State of the Union: Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY); Sen. Joe Manchin (D-WV); NIH Director Dr. Francis Collins; Gov. Mike DeWine (Cult-OH).
This Week: Rep. Adam Kinzinger (R-IL).
Face the Nation: Doc Fauci; Federal Reserve Bank of Minneapolis President Neel Kashkari; Joe Manchin; Israel's Director of Public Health Services Dr. Sharon Alroy-Preis; former FDA dude Scott Gottlieb.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: TBA
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: July 30, 2011
JEERS to the continuing distraction from job creation. This is Day 8 of our ongoing updates on the debt crisis. With four days until the deadline, here's the latest: [Checks paper] [Turns on cable news] [Consults all the top blogs] [Looks out window] We are still ruled by idiots. Next update: Monday.
-
And just one more…
CHEERS to remembering that time when the Republicans were awesome!!! Yup—seven years ago this weekend the House Intelligence Committee released the findings of their Benghazi investigation. And just like Trey Gowdy's "select committee" sideshow, what they found was a whole lotta nothin'…
…there was no deliberate wrongdoing by the Obama administration in the 2012 attack on the U.S. Consulate in Benghazi, Libya, that killed Ambassador Chris Stevens and three other Americans, said Rep. Mike Thompson of St. Helena, the second-ranking Democrat on the committee.
The Clay Bennett classic.
The panel voted Thursday to declassify the report, the result of two years of investigation by the committee. U.S. intelligence agencies will have to approve making the report public. Thompson said the report" confirms that no one was deliberately misled, no military assets were withheld and no stand-down order (to U.S. forces) was given."
As Joan McCarter noted at the time, Gowdy swore on a stack of Brylcreem that his committee's investigation—quoting here—"would be an objective search for facts, not a partisan attempt to smear Democrats ahead of the 2014 mid-term elections and the 2016 presidential race." And since his lips were moving at the time, naturally he was lying. If they weren't so busy with their current January 6th investigation, I'd suggest that House Democrats demand a select committee investigation into the select committee's investigation, and conduct it at an appropriate venue: under a circus tent.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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