j ko87 (← Please disregard. Squirrel jumped on my laptop for an almond. Probably gibberish but might mean something to George Soros.)
Late Night Snark: Dog Days Edition
Continued...
And one year ago this week…
And now, our feature presentation...
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, August 13, 2021
Note: Today is Friday the 13th. If you suddenly get the sense this evening that your life is in danger, just press the cloaking device on your Apple Watch, which will be available for download next Wednesday. —Mgt.
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By the Numbers:
9 days!!! (Commercial airliner sold separately.)
Weeks 'til the start of the Labor Day weekend: 3
Days 'til the next full "sturgeon" moon: 9
Percent of parents of kids between 12 and 17 polled by the Kaiser Family Foundation who believe their school should require all students to be vaccinated: 42%
Percent who believe unvaccinated students should have to wear a mask: 63%
Weeks for which Sen. Rand Paul's You Tube account was suspended for spreading Covid-related disinformation: 1
Increase in consumer prices last month, the slowest rate since February: 0.5%
Percent chance that the fear of vegetables is called Lachanophobia: 100%
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Weekend plans…
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CHEERS to the peaceful transfer of power. Today's the day, and boy howdy am I excited. Today is August 13th, 2021, the day that pillow salesman and America's #1 political prognosticator predicted that we would have a new president sitting behind the resolute desk in the Oval Office. Mike Lindell has never been wrong, never missed a beat, and never let us down. So when he says that there'll be a new president on August 13, 2021, then you're on the wrong side of history if you doubt his forged-in-steel words from just last month: "The morning of August 13 it'll be the talk of the world." So let's all give arousing C&J welcome to our 47th president as of 12 noon today!!!!!
Miss me yet?
If you're still seeing a photo of Joe Biden, relax. This is just a technical issue. Stay where you are and refresh your browser every 20 seconds until it changes. And make sure someone comes to feed and groom you every few days between now and January 20, 2029.
CHEERS to America's favorite safety net. 85 years ago this week, in 1935, President Franklin Roosevelt gave us one less thing to fear by signing the Social Security Act into law, saying:
Today a substantial portion of the Republican base loves to criticize Social Security as the brainchild of a dirty effing socialist hippie. But they sure do love getting their socialist hippie checks in the mail. And they sure love to complain that their socialist hippie checks ain't big enough. And they sure love to leap to its defense by telling their own party to “keep your government hands off my Social Security.” Yes, when it comes to money, Republicans are all about the love. Those dirty effing hippies.
Hey, Inhofe, if you’re done with that snowball, come up here and stuff it down my pants.
JEERS to swelter skelter. [Sigh] Here we go. Summer in Maine kicked into high gear this week—hazy and hot with 140% humidity and something called a "dew point" that causes storm clouds to form in our living room. Thankfully, we Mainers have a handbook on how to deal with insufferable summer weather, and it's worth revisiting.
Step 1: put long johns in the freezer overnight.
Step 2: affix ice cubes to earmuffs with rubber bands.
Step 3: Drink 'til you pass out and pray a cold front moves through while you're unconscious.
If anyone asks what the sweetest sound in the English language is today, my answer is: "September."
CHEERS to an artery's worst best friend. 110 years ago Sunday, in 1911, obedient and properly submissive American housewives across the country swooned to the sound of Crisco (short for "crystallized cottonseed oil") glopping into their frying pans and mixing bowls as Procter & Gamble brought it to market.
Also an excellent lubricant for helping you slip through heating ducts while robbing casinos.
Over a hundred years later, Americans still love it because it lets them enjoy so many sinful foods. And cardiologists love it because it lets them enjoy so many brand-new Porsches.
CHEERS to home vegetation. No hard evidence to go on here, but it seems like this weekend—smack dab in the middle of August—is poised to be the dog-days'iest of summer. If the teevee calls, it'll be pretty slim pickin's. So here it is in a nutshell:
Chris and Rachel start things off tonight with the Friday news dumps, including the Trump II inauguration. Bill Maher has gone off the deep end, but HBO's Real Time might be worth a peek at 10for guests Steve Martin and Martin Short. The most popular home videos, new and old, are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. The baseball schedule is here and the WNBA schedule is here. On a new edition of 60 Minutes: cruise ship passengers who were allowed to mix with the general population in a busy airport early in the pandemic, and reports on legal education in Kenya and driverless trucks in the United States that'll get us all killed. Finally, John Oliver airs his penultimate episode of Last Week Tonight for this season.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Happy viewing!
-
Ten years ago in C&J: August 13, 2011
CHEERS to straw poll madness!!! In less than 24 hours, the next President of the United States will be chosen a meaningless carnival gimmick ("All the fun of a poll tax with none of the consequences," says Jon Stewart) will take place in Ames, Iowa. Specifically, people will be paid by Republican presidential candidates to shove a straw up their tuchus. The candidate with the most straws sticking out of their ass by the time the cow-tipping contest ends (Go, Bossie!), but not before the shearin' 'o the hamsters, wins a free elephant ear and a 90 percent chance of getting thumped in the January caucus by Rick Perry. And that's why you come to C&J: to get the facts.
-
And just one more...
CHEERS to the whitest guy ever to be "born a poor black child." Happy birthday tomorrow to Steve Martin, who was a spry 30 when I first heard his stand-up act (via long-play cassette) at 12 and laughed so hard I couldn’t breathe, and who today is an elder statesman of comedy at 76. Besides being an award-winning banjo picker, having a hit single (King Tut), hosting the Oscars and SNL, starring in a boatload of popular movies, and writing best-selling books, an Oscar-nominated screenplay (Roxanne), and sketches for the legendary Smothers Brothers, what has he contributed to society? While we're trying to think of something, watch this…
YouTube Video
Sorry, Steve, but I'm still drawin' a blank. Happy birthday, anyway.
Have a nice weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
-
Late Night Snark: Dog Days Edition
Continued...
And one year ago this week…
And now, our feature presentation...
-
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, August 13, 2021
Note: Today is Friday the 13th. If you suddenly get the sense this evening that your life is in danger, just press the cloaking device on your Apple Watch, which will be available for download next Wednesday. —Mgt.
-
By the Numbers:
9 days!!! (Commercial airliner sold separately.)
Weeks 'til the start of the Labor Day weekend: 3
Days 'til the next full "sturgeon" moon: 9
Percent of parents of kids between 12 and 17 polled by the Kaiser Family Foundation who believe their school should require all students to be vaccinated: 42%
Percent who believe unvaccinated students should have to wear a mask: 63%
Weeks for which Sen. Rand Paul's You Tube account was suspended for spreading Covid-related disinformation: 1
Increase in consumer prices last month, the slowest rate since February: 0.5%
Percent chance that the fear of vegetables is called Lachanophobia: 100%
-
Puppy Pic of the Day: Weekend plans…
-
CHEERS to the peaceful transfer of power. Today's the day, and boy howdy am I excited. Today is August 13th, 2021, the day that pillow salesman and America's #1 political prognosticator predicted that we would have a new president sitting behind the resolute desk in the Oval Office. Mike Lindell has never been wrong, never missed a beat, and never let us down. So when he says that there'll be a new president on August 13, 2021, then you're on the wrong side of history if you doubt his forged-in-steel words from just last month: "The morning of August 13 it'll be the talk of the world." So let's all give arousing C&J welcome to our 47th president as of 12 noon today!!!!!
Miss me yet?
If you're still seeing a photo of Joe Biden, relax. This is just a technical issue. Stay where you are and refresh your browser every 20 seconds until it changes. And make sure someone comes to feed and groom you every few days between now and January 20, 2029.
CHEERS to America's favorite safety net. 85 years ago this week, in 1935, President Franklin Roosevelt gave us one less thing to fear by signing the Social Security Act into law, saying:
"We can never insure one hundred percent of the population against one hundred percent of the hazards and vicissitudes of life, but we have tried to frame a law which will give some measure of protection to the average citizen and to his family against the loss of a job and against poverty-ridden old age. […]
FDR signs the Social Security Act under the watchful eye of Secretary of Labor Frances Perkins, without whom it never would have happened. (Her parents were both Mainers, y’know.)
The law will flatten out the peaks and valleys of deflation and of inflation. It is, in short, a law that will take care of human needs and at the same time provide for the United States an economic structure of vastly greater soundness."
Today a substantial portion of the Republican base loves to criticize Social Security as the brainchild of a dirty effing socialist hippie. But they sure do love getting their socialist hippie checks in the mail. And they sure love to complain that their socialist hippie checks ain't big enough. And they sure love to leap to its defense by telling their own party to “keep your government hands off my Social Security.” Yes, when it comes to money, Republicans are all about the love. Those dirty effing hippies.
Hey, Inhofe, if you’re done with that snowball, come up here and stuff it down my pants.
JEERS to swelter skelter. [Sigh] Here we go. Summer in Maine kicked into high gear this week—hazy and hot with 140% humidity and something called a "dew point" that causes storm clouds to form in our living room. Thankfully, we Mainers have a handbook on how to deal with insufferable summer weather, and it's worth revisiting.
Step 1: put long johns in the freezer overnight.
Step 2: affix ice cubes to earmuffs with rubber bands.
Step 3: Drink 'til you pass out and pray a cold front moves through while you're unconscious.
If anyone asks what the sweetest sound in the English language is today, my answer is: "September."
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to an artery's worst best friend. 110 years ago Sunday, in 1911, obedient and properly submissive American housewives across the country swooned to the sound of Crisco (short for "crystallized cottonseed oil") glopping into their frying pans and mixing bowls as Procter & Gamble brought it to market.
Also an excellent lubricant for helping you slip through heating ducts while robbing casinos.
Over a hundred years later, Americans still love it because it lets them enjoy so many sinful foods. And cardiologists love it because it lets them enjoy so many brand-new Porsches.
CHEERS to home vegetation. No hard evidence to go on here, but it seems like this weekend—smack dab in the middle of August—is poised to be the dog-days'iest of summer. If the teevee calls, it'll be pretty slim pickin's. So here it is in a nutshell:
Chris and Rachel start things off tonight with the Friday news dumps, including the Trump II inauguration. Bill Maher has gone off the deep end, but HBO's Real Time might be worth a peek at 10for guests Steve Martin and Martin Short. The most popular home videos, new and old, are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. The baseball schedule is here and the WNBA schedule is here. On a new edition of 60 Minutes: cruise ship passengers who were allowed to mix with the general population in a busy airport early in the pandemic, and reports on legal education in Kenya and driverless trucks in the United States that'll get us all killed. Finally, John Oliver airs his penultimate episode of Last Week Tonight for this season.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: Guests TBA; Chuck shows off his new red wagon.
Sunday on “Face the Platypus”: pointers on politics, the pandemic, and Planned Parenthood with a polished panel of political platypundits.
Face the Nation: Doc Fauci; Kathy Hochul, the next governor of New York; Broward County School Board Chair Rosalind Osgood; Trump cult lieutenant Steve Scalise;
CNN's State of the Union: Kathy Hochul; Rep. Michael McCaul (Cult-TX).
This Week: TBA. But, really, isn’t the gleam in George Stephapalooza’s eyes all we need?
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: NIH director Dr. Francis Collins; Trump cult lieutenant Mike Pompeo.
Happy viewing!
-
Ten years ago in C&J: August 13, 2011
CHEERS to straw poll madness!!! In less than 24 hours, the next President of the United States will be chosen a meaningless carnival gimmick ("All the fun of a poll tax with none of the consequences," says Jon Stewart) will take place in Ames, Iowa. Specifically, people will be paid by Republican presidential candidates to shove a straw up their tuchus. The candidate with the most straws sticking out of their ass by the time the cow-tipping contest ends (Go, Bossie!), but not before the shearin' 'o the hamsters, wins a free elephant ear and a 90 percent chance of getting thumped in the January caucus by Rick Perry. And that's why you come to C&J: to get the facts.
-
And just one more...
CHEERS to the whitest guy ever to be "born a poor black child." Happy birthday tomorrow to Steve Martin, who was a spry 30 when I first heard his stand-up act (via long-play cassette) at 12 and laughed so hard I couldn’t breathe, and who today is an elder statesman of comedy at 76. Besides being an award-winning banjo picker, having a hit single (King Tut), hosting the Oscars and SNL, starring in a boatload of popular movies, and writing best-selling books, an Oscar-nominated screenplay (Roxanne), and sketches for the legendary Smothers Brothers, what has he contributed to society? While we're trying to think of something, watch this…
YouTube Video
-
Sorry, Steve, but I'm still drawin' a blank. Happy birthday, anyway.
Have a nice weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
-