Late Night Snark: Early May Grab Bag Edition
Continued...
And now, our feature presentation...
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, May 7, 2021
Note: It's random drug test day. If your last name begins with A, E, G, K, M, O, P, T, U, X or Y, please pee onto your keypad. Then turn yourself in to the police because anyone who pees on their keypad must be high on something illegal. —Your friendly scolds at D.A.R.E.
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By the Numbers:
Tomorrow!
Days 'til World Donkey Day: 1
Percent of federal, state, and local leaders who are Asian Americans and Pacific Islanders, despite being 6 percent of the U.S. population: 0.9%
Americans polled by ABC News/Ipsos who believe Republican leaders in Congress are doing too little to compromise with Democrats, versus 10% who say they're doing too much: 67%
Percent in the poll who believe President Biden is compromising "about the right amount" with Republican leaders, versus 9% saying he's compromising "too much": 51%
New Jerseyites polled by Monmouth who approve of the job Governor Phil Murphy is doing: 57%
Cost of the Peloton treadmill now being recalled because it kills and injures people, despite saying earlier it was perfectly safe: $4,200
Number of Facebook entries posted by Donald Trump today: Zero Ha Ha Ha!!!
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Weekend plans…
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CHEERS to terras both firma and not so firma. I was going to lead off this evening with the ONE MILLION NEW JOBS report that the genius economists promised, but it seems they were drunk when they scribbled their rosy forecast on their cocktail napkins. So instead let's start with this: holy crap, President Biden is going Teddy Roosevelt on our republic by rolling out a nationwide plan to…
Oh, hey, you know what that'll do besides make our country happier, healthier, and cleaner? It'll create a lot of jobs. Take note, economists. Preferably after you've sobered up.
CHEERS to that loveable lectern lady. With Joe Biden's predecessor zealously hogging the spotlight to feed his malignant narcissism, the position of press secretary circa 2017-2021 was the easiest job on the planet. They didn’t even have to show up for work half the time—they just texted "Fuck you" to the White house press corps and spent the rest of the day at the beach. But under the new guy, the White House press office is fully functional again, and the return of congenial sparring (not to mention truth) is a relief, writes Jessica Goldstein over at The Washingtonian:
The toughest parts of her job so far: researching detailed fact sheets on the president's agenda items, anticipating tough questions, and focusing on a long-term goal of scrubbing off all the layers of Sean Spicer spittle on her lectern. (I hope she’s getting hazard pay.)
CHEERS to "Give 'Em Hell Harry." And happy 137th birthday tomorrow to #33, the former haberdasher who said "I felt like the moon, the stars and all the planets had fallen on me" when he became president after FDR died in 1945. Back when he had some shred of relevance, George W. Bush liked to cling to the notion that his legacy would be vindicated over time, as Truman's was. Or perhaps not: when Bush came into office, the country was enjoying virtually unprecedented peace and prosperity and he led us straight into depression and war. Truman's situation was a bit different. From the book Rating the Presidents, in which over 700 historians and political gurus rank Truman #7:
But, golly, it sure sucked when Dewey defeated him. Titter titter.
CHEERS to real "Mission Accomplished" moments. And speaking of Truman, World War II—which got started in 1939 when Mrs. O'Leary's cow kicked a kerosene lantern into Adolf Hitler's crotch (source: Conservapedia)—officially ended in Europe 76 years ago tomorrow. Truman famously said: "The flags of freedom fly all over Europe." And the head of the House cafeteria famously said: "Hooray, we can finally change 'freedom veal' back to 'wienerschnitzel.'"
CHEERS to great moments in history. 227 years ago, the self-flushing toilet was patented. To drain a bunch of turds from your building, you just pulled a chain. If you want to witness the same effect at Fox News, just pull the fire alarm.
CHEERS to home vegetation. If you're looking for a mediocre and half-assed listing of what's appearing on home screens this weekend, you've come to the right mediocre and half-assed place. Things start out the usual Friday way with Chris Hayes and Rachel unpacking the day's news dumps. Then at 10 on HBO, Bill Maher talks with Rep. Elissa Slotkin (D-MI), Rob Reiner, and Columbia University linguistics professor John McWhorter.
Perseverance, and its helicopter Ingenuity, almost crash-landed on Mars. “60 Minutes” has the story Sunday night.
The most popular home videos, new and old, are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. The MLB schedule is here, the NHL schedule is here, and the NBA schedule is here.. Saturday night at 8, ABC airs VAX LIVE, an all-star concert (JLo, Eddie Vedder, Foo Fighters, David Letterman, Harry and Meghan) organized by Global Citizen to help get the word out about vaccinations. Later on NBC, Elon Musk hosts SNL for reasons no one can explain.
Sunday on 60 Minutes: how NASA’s Perseverance probe almost didn’t make it to Mars, and Jews who escaped Nazi Germany and then returned to fight Hitler by carrying out intelligence missions. Lisa makes a shocking college decision on The Simpsons, and Brian tries to convince the Griffins that their new adopted cat is evil (aren’t they all?) on Family Guy. And John Oliver, backed by his now-trademark bare white wall, wraps up the weekend with a new edition of Last Week Tonight on HBO.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: May 7, 2011
JEERS to dirty old men. I have good news and bad news. The good news: the guy who just pleaded guilty in a Canadian court and went to jail for possession of child porngraphy was not—repeat, not—a Catholic priest. The bad news: he was, however, a Catholic bishop. Meanwhile, all the nuns, who never seem to get caught doing anything worse than sneaking a doughnut into mass, continue to be treated as second-class members of the church. The Pope assures me that logic makes perfect sense if you think about it in Latin.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to ol' Whats'ername. So what's Mom worth these days? According to insure.com, more than ever...
So why don't we actually pay them for their toil? Because they'd just funnel the money into a tax-free "Mommy Account" in the Cayman Islands and use the interest—not to mention their “Mommy Space Lasers”—to build a giant mom clone army with which to take over the world. So this Mother's Day (Sunday), for the good of the planet, send her a gift-wrapped empty box and, when she opens it, tell her it’s a box full of love, which is invisible. And then when you see the look on her face on Zoom, take a moment to quietly reflect on how thankful you are she’s still in lockdown many miles away.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Continued...
And now, our feature presentation...
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Cheers and Jeers for Friday, May 7, 2021
Note: It's random drug test day. If your last name begins with A, E, G, K, M, O, P, T, U, X or Y, please pee onto your keypad. Then turn yourself in to the police because anyone who pees on their keypad must be high on something illegal. —Your friendly scolds at D.A.R.E.
-
By the Numbers:
Tomorrow!
Days 'til World Donkey Day: 1
Percent of federal, state, and local leaders who are Asian Americans and Pacific Islanders, despite being 6 percent of the U.S. population: 0.9%
Americans polled by ABC News/Ipsos who believe Republican leaders in Congress are doing too little to compromise with Democrats, versus 10% who say they're doing too much: 67%
Percent in the poll who believe President Biden is compromising "about the right amount" with Republican leaders, versus 9% saying he's compromising "too much": 51%
New Jerseyites polled by Monmouth who approve of the job Governor Phil Murphy is doing: 57%
Cost of the Peloton treadmill now being recalled because it kills and injures people, despite saying earlier it was perfectly safe: $4,200
Number of Facebook entries posted by Donald Trump today: Zero Ha Ha Ha!!!
-
Puppy Pic of the Day: Weekend plans…
-
CHEERS to terras both firma and not so firma. I was going to lead off this evening with the ONE MILLION NEW JOBS report that the genius economists promised, but it seems they were drunk when they scribbled their rosy forecast on their cocktail napkins. So instead let's start with this: holy crap, President Biden is going Teddy Roosevelt on our republic by rolling out a nationwide plan to…
…conserve and restore the lands, waters, and wildlife that support and sustain the nation [via a] nationwide conservation goal to conserve 30 percent of U.S. lands and waters by 2030.
Bass Harbor Head Lighthouse guards the nexus between lands and waters in Acadia national Park.
Based on feedback gathered in the Administration’s first 100 days, the report identifies six priority areas for the administration’s early focus, investments, and collaboration:
- Creating more parks and safe outdoor opportunities in nature-deprived communities.
- Supporting Tribally led conservation and restoration priorities.
- Expanding collaborative conservation of fish and wildlife habitats and corridors.
- Increasing access for outdoor recreation.
- Incentivizing and rewarding the voluntary conservation efforts of fishers, ranchers, farmers, and forest owners.
- Creating jobs by investing in restoration and resilience projects and initiatives, including the Civilian Climate Corps.
Oh, hey, you know what that'll do besides make our country happier, healthier, and cleaner? It'll create a lot of jobs. Take note, economists. Preferably after you've sobered up.
CHEERS to that loveable lectern lady. With Joe Biden's predecessor zealously hogging the spotlight to feed his malignant narcissism, the position of press secretary circa 2017-2021 was the easiest job on the planet. They didn’t even have to show up for work half the time—they just texted "Fuck you" to the White house press corps and spent the rest of the day at the beach. But under the new guy, the White House press office is fully functional again, and the return of congenial sparring (not to mention truth) is a relief, writes Jessica Goldstein over at The Washingtonian:
In her first three months on the job, White House press secretary Jen Psaki has yet to be caught in an unhinged lie or spontaneous infomercial, and she does not refer to the reporters who sit before her in the briefing room each day as “the enemy of the people.” […]
She’s the highest-visibility yet lowest-profile member of the administration. If the measure of modern cultural penetration is how much someone has been memed, all Psaki has is her oft-repeated promise to “circle back” being made into some supercuts. (The thing is, she does circle back. “If it’s not her, it’s somebody from the staff,” says [Fox News's Peter] Doocy. “We will hear within a couple of hours.”) […]
Per Covid protocols, there’s a rotation of White House press in the briefing room, meaning that only14 reporters can be in there at one time. Psaki makes it a point to call on every single one. Doocy was especially struck by this practice: “First and last impression: She calls on everybody.”
The toughest parts of her job so far: researching detailed fact sheets on the president's agenda items, anticipating tough questions, and focusing on a long-term goal of scrubbing off all the layers of Sean Spicer spittle on her lectern. (I hope she’s getting hazard pay.)
CHEERS to "Give 'Em Hell Harry." And happy 137th birthday tomorrow to #33, the former haberdasher who said "I felt like the moon, the stars and all the planets had fallen on me" when he became president after FDR died in 1945. Back when he had some shred of relevance, George W. Bush liked to cling to the notion that his legacy would be vindicated over time, as Truman's was. Or perhaps not: when Bush came into office, the country was enjoying virtually unprecedented peace and prosperity and he led us straight into depression and war. Truman's situation was a bit different. From the book Rating the Presidents, in which over 700 historians and political gurus rank Truman #7:
Ahead of him was the task of leading a nation worn out from almost sixteen years of depression and war.
Truman circa 1959 in a reproduction of the Oval Office at his presidential library.
Truman paid heavily for the mood of the people and the troubles of the times. Contemporary opinion polls gave him terrible ratings. He was reviled, the endless butt of jokes like, "To err is Truman."
In later, calmer years historians and political scientists assessing his standing consistently ranked him among America's ten best presidents. Our poll participants give him high rankings in all categories, never dropping him lower than ninth and in the Accomplishments and Crisis Management categories ranked him sixth.
But, golly, it sure sucked when Dewey defeated him. Titter titter.
CHEERS to real "Mission Accomplished" moments. And speaking of Truman, World War II—which got started in 1939 when Mrs. O'Leary's cow kicked a kerosene lantern into Adolf Hitler's crotch (source: Conservapedia)—officially ended in Europe 76 years ago tomorrow. Truman famously said: "The flags of freedom fly all over Europe." And the head of the House cafeteria famously said: "Hooray, we can finally change 'freedom veal' back to 'wienerschnitzel.'"
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to great moments in history. 227 years ago, the self-flushing toilet was patented. To drain a bunch of turds from your building, you just pulled a chain. If you want to witness the same effect at Fox News, just pull the fire alarm.
CHEERS to home vegetation. If you're looking for a mediocre and half-assed listing of what's appearing on home screens this weekend, you've come to the right mediocre and half-assed place. Things start out the usual Friday way with Chris Hayes and Rachel unpacking the day's news dumps. Then at 10 on HBO, Bill Maher talks with Rep. Elissa Slotkin (D-MI), Rob Reiner, and Columbia University linguistics professor John McWhorter.
Perseverance, and its helicopter Ingenuity, almost crash-landed on Mars. “60 Minutes” has the story Sunday night.
The most popular home videos, new and old, are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. The MLB schedule is here, the NHL schedule is here, and the NBA schedule is here.. Saturday night at 8, ABC airs VAX LIVE, an all-star concert (JLo, Eddie Vedder, Foo Fighters, David Letterman, Harry and Meghan) organized by Global Citizen to help get the word out about vaccinations. Later on NBC, Elon Musk hosts SNL for reasons no one can explain.
Sunday on 60 Minutes: how NASA’s Perseverance probe almost didn’t make it to Mars, and Jews who escaped Nazi Germany and then returned to fight Hitler by carrying out intelligence missions. Lisa makes a shocking college decision on The Simpsons, and Brian tries to convince the Griffins that their new adopted cat is evil (aren’t they all?) on Family Guy. And John Oliver, backed by his now-trademark bare white wall, wraps up the weekend with a new edition of Last Week Tonight on HBO.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Face the Nation: Commerce Secretary Gina Raimondo; Minneapolis Federal Reserve Bank President Neel Kashkari; Rep. Adam Kinzinger (R-IL); former FDA poobah Scott Gottlieb; author Michael Lewis.
Meet the Press: Doc Fauci.
Also: the ghost of Lincoln turns up on all the Sunday shows to rip Republicans four score and twenty new ones for what they’ve done to his party.
This Week: Doc Fauci; Democracy for America CEO Yvette Simpson; National Women's Law Center President Fatima Goss Graves; Chief Economist at Grant Thornton LLP Diane Swonk; Time's Up Legal Defense Fund Co-Founder Tina Tchen; chief diversity and inclusion officer for McKinsey & Co. Lareina Lee.
CNN's State of the Union: Rep. James Clyburn (D-SC); White House Covid response coordinator Jeff Zients; Gov. Spencer Cox (R-UT).
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Facebook Oversight Board co-chair Judge Michael McConnell; Rep. Jim Banks (R-IN); former FCC chair Newton Minow, the guy who in the 1960s labeled television “a vast wasteland.”
Happy viewing!
-
Ten years ago in C&J: May 7, 2011
JEERS to dirty old men. I have good news and bad news. The good news: the guy who just pleaded guilty in a Canadian court and went to jail for possession of child porngraphy was not—repeat, not—a Catholic priest. The bad news: he was, however, a Catholic bishop. Meanwhile, all the nuns, who never seem to get caught doing anything worse than sneaking a doughnut into mass, continue to be treated as second-class members of the church. The Pope assures me that logic makes perfect sense if you think about it in Latin.
-
And just one more…
CHEERS to ol' Whats'ername. So what's Mom worth these days? According to insure.com, more than ever...
Mom’s salary soared into the six-figure salary range as she struggles to keep up with the demands created during the COVID-19 pandemic – demands that don’t seem to show any signs of letting up any time soon. In its 11th year, the Mother’s Day Index calculates that Mom has received a significant raise, jumping up 23% to $116,022 from $93,920 last year.
“Oh, an uncomfortable chair for Mother’s day? You shouldn’t have. Really. You shouldn’t have.”
From making dinner to helping with homework, solving sibling squabbles to planning summer activities (remember those?), the Insure.com team relates popular tasks to real-world job titles and calculates a salary based on the most recent wage information from the Bureau of Labor Statistics (BLS).
So why don't we actually pay them for their toil? Because they'd just funnel the money into a tax-free "Mommy Account" in the Cayman Islands and use the interest—not to mention their “Mommy Space Lasers”—to build a giant mom clone army with which to take over the world. So this Mother's Day (Sunday), for the good of the planet, send her a gift-wrapped empty box and, when she opens it, tell her it’s a box full of love, which is invisible. And then when you see the look on her face on Zoom, take a moment to quietly reflect on how thankful you are she’s still in lockdown many miles away.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
-