Late Night Snark: 45 Bad, 46 Good Edition
Continued...
And now, our feature presentation…
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, May 21, 2021
Note: If your life depends on C&J, we suggest you nibble on tonight’s edition very slowly. C&J will be off Monday because we’ve got our annual cottage-opening duties to tend to up north, and we’re short-staffed this year so it’ll be extra-daunting. Back on Tuesday with cottage-opening aches, pains, blisters, and splinter scars that, believe me, you’ll never hear the end of. —Mgt.
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By the Numbers:
30 days!!!
Days 'til summer: 30
Public approval for President Biden's handling of the coronavirus pandemic, per NPR/PBS NewsHour/Marist polling: 66%
Percent of Baby Boomers, GenX'ers, and Millennials who say they believe that when they die they will go to Heaven only because they confessed their sins and accepted Jesus as their savior, according to the 2021 American Worldview Inventory: 48%, 26%, 16%
Percent of New Jersey voters polled by Monmouth University who believe Chris Christie would make a good president: 19%
NJ Governor Phil Murphy's approve/disapprove rating in the same poll: 50% / 34%
Weight of the world's largest padlock: 916 pounds
Age of The Who's Pete Townshend as of Wednesday: 76
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Puppy Pic of the Day: One size fits all…
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CHEERS to an early head start. Well, this is premature but still welcome news:
Excellent. And if you’re wondering what that’s worth, please see our fine assortment of buckets of warm spit in the C&J gift shop.
CHEERS to judicial jiu-jitsu. A brave judge, spurning the overtures of the high-powered lobbyists at Big Anti-Bamboo Fiber, just slammed the door on the possibility that Michigan would become the next target of a sham election "audit" by the folks making a hash of things down in Arizona:
Looks like the Cyber Ninjas just met their—wait for it—Tokugawa shogunate. Ha Ha Ha Ha!!!
JEERS to disappearing acts not involving trained magicians. Today is Endangered Species Day, which is billed as "an opportunity for people of all ages to learn about the importance of protecting endangered species." You can see the whole list here via the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service. (But do it quick—the U.N. says they're going fast.) Here’s one of them, the bearded seal. Imagine our planet without the Mark Twain of the sea:
True fact: bearded seals rule the afterlife, so we humans are pretty much screwed up there for screwing them down here.
I'm proud to say I did my part to mark Endangered Species Day. I spent the afternoon giving sympathy hugs to Republicans with brain cells.
CHEERS to Canada! We won’t be here Monday, so tonight we’ll wish our neighbors to the north an early happy Victoria Day. It's a day for dusting off their William Shatner shrines and chugging any leftover Molson from last year's Victoria Day. If you're wondering what all the fuss is about, eh...
All I can say is: thank god it's finally on our doorstep. I’m getting so tired of the radio stations and their 24/7 Victoria Day carol marathons. ("Grandma Got Run Over By A Mountie" AGAIN?!!!)
CHEERS to home vegetation. Plenty on the tube to distract us this weekend, starting tonight with Chris Hayes and Rachel Maddow harshing the red-hatted cult's buzz. But Bill Maher has the covid so he'll be slurping chicken soup and resting at home tonight instead of hosting Real Time.
ka-CHUNK!
The most popular home videos, new and old, are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. The MLB schedule is here, the NHL schedule is here, and the NBA schedule is here. CBS handles the PGA Championship coverage this weekend starting at 1. (Personal note: I miss dynamic duo Pat Summerall and Ken Venturi.) SNL's blah season comes to a merciful close tomorrow night with host Anya Taylor-Joy ("The Queen's Gambit") and musical guest Lil Nas X, who set the right-wing evangelicals' hair on fire earlier this year with his twerk-with-Satan video.
Sunday evening on 60 Minutes: a report from Iceland's newest volcano Geldingadalir. Then at 8 on Fox, Moe breaks a sacred rule in a secret bartenders society on the season finale of The Simpsons. Or you can watch the Billboard Music Awards on NBC, during which Pat Boone and I will appear via Zoom to accept our Legacy Award for our #1 hit duet (from the musical Arizona!): Ballot with the Bamboo Fibers On Top. Then John Oliver puts us to bed with his dulcet tones on another fresh episode of HBO’s Last Week Tonight.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: May 21, 2011
CHEERS to making a slick getaway. Libya's oil minister, hatching a crude plan that had been bubbling up for days, defected to the rebels' side. Shokri Ghanem's departure leaves his boss, Muammar Khaddafi, over a barrel. As for Ghanem's new life as a fighter against the power, he's pumped. So I guess it's true what they say: oil's well that ends well.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to the Mayor of Castro Street. Tomorrow marks the 91st birthday of the late San Francisco District Supervisor and gay rights pioneer Harvey Milk.
He was a talented politician—smart, witty, eloquent, tireless, eager to learn from his early mistakes, but not without his flaws and personal demons. He understood well the power of grassroots campaigning and consensus-building, which is an itty bit critical as we find ourselves ramping up for the most consequential election since 1864. One of my favorite things Harvey wrote is his 10 rules on how to win a local election (from Randy Shilts' brilliant book The Mayor of Castro Street):
If he hadn’t been assassinated in 1978 at 48, he would've no doubt been a guiding force and leading fighter for full state and federal equality of LGBT citizens, and the steadily-rising poll numbers for marriage equality (67 percent now, says Gallup) would've made him cheer as much as the Trump administration’s rollback of LGBT-friendly federal policies would’ve made him bristle. His now-famous core message is just as relevant today:
Have a great weekend, all you wonderful us’s. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Continued...
You are now below the fold. That’ll be five dollars, please.
"House Republicans voted to remove Liz Cheney from her party leadership role after she continued to challenge Donald Trump's lie that the election was stolen. Wow, I never thought I'd find myself feeling bad for Liz Cheney. And I was right—I don't." —Michael Che, SNL
"Conservatives are leaving me high and dry. What more can I do for you people? I opposed gay marriage and my sister is a les! I shoot buffalo in the ass, and I'm not conservative enough? To borrow a line: do you know who my father is???" —Liz Cheney (Kate McKinnon) on SNL
"The GOP chose to oppose the [Jan. 6 commission] bill despite the fact that it had been agreed to by their chosen negotiator, Rep. John Katko. Katko is one of the 29 members of the bipartisan 'Problem Solvers Caucus.' Hey, I thought all members of the House were supposed to be part of the problem solvers caucus—that's why we send them to Washington. Though I guess these days a lot of them go down to Mar-A-Lago to meet with The Problem.” —Stephen Colbert
—The Late Show
"After the CDC announced that vaccinated people no longer have to wear face masks indoors, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said that masks would still be required in the chamber. And when Marjorie Taylor Greene heard that, she became so unhinged that nobody noticed any change in her demeanor whatsoever." —Seth Meyers
Cicada to-do list: 1. Emerge 2. Make noise
—Conan O’Brien
And now, our feature presentation…
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Cheers and Jeers for Friday, May 21, 2021
Note: If your life depends on C&J, we suggest you nibble on tonight’s edition very slowly. C&J will be off Monday because we’ve got our annual cottage-opening duties to tend to up north, and we’re short-staffed this year so it’ll be extra-daunting. Back on Tuesday with cottage-opening aches, pains, blisters, and splinter scars that, believe me, you’ll never hear the end of. —Mgt.
-
By the Numbers:
30 days!!!
Days 'til summer: 30
Public approval for President Biden's handling of the coronavirus pandemic, per NPR/PBS NewsHour/Marist polling: 66%
Percent of Baby Boomers, GenX'ers, and Millennials who say they believe that when they die they will go to Heaven only because they confessed their sins and accepted Jesus as their savior, according to the 2021 American Worldview Inventory: 48%, 26%, 16%
Percent of New Jersey voters polled by Monmouth University who believe Chris Christie would make a good president: 19%
NJ Governor Phil Murphy's approve/disapprove rating in the same poll: 50% / 34%
Weight of the world's largest padlock: 916 pounds
Age of The Who's Pete Townshend as of Wednesday: 76
-
Puppy Pic of the Day: One size fits all…
-
CHEERS to an early head start. Well, this is premature but still welcome news:
President Joe Biden holds a huge lead over former President Donald Trump in a new poll of the 2024 general election … a commanding 12-point lead over Trump in a new Yahoo! News/YouGov poll that looks way ahead to the next election.
Make sure she reads the poem at your second inauguration too, Joe. She’s good.
When respondents to the poll were asked “If the 2024 election were held today, who would you vote for?”, 48 percent said they’d vote for Biden, while 36 percent responded Trump. … The poll also showed that 12 percent of Trump 2020 voters would either flip to Biden or are now “not sure,” twice as many as the 6 percent who would potentially flip from Biden to Trump.
Excellent. And if you’re wondering what that’s worth, please see our fine assortment of buckets of warm spit in the C&J gift shop.
CHEERS to judicial jiu-jitsu. A brave judge, spurning the overtures of the high-powered lobbyists at Big Anti-Bamboo Fiber, just slammed the door on the possibility that Michigan would become the next target of a sham election "audit" by the folks making a hash of things down in Arizona:
Looks like the Cyber Ninjas just met their—wait for it—Tokugawa shogunate. Ha Ha Ha Ha!!!
JEERS to disappearing acts not involving trained magicians. Today is Endangered Species Day, which is billed as "an opportunity for people of all ages to learn about the importance of protecting endangered species." You can see the whole list here via the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service. (But do it quick—the U.N. says they're going fast.) Here’s one of them, the bearded seal. Imagine our planet without the Mark Twain of the sea:
True fact: bearded seals rule the afterlife, so we humans are pretty much screwed up there for screwing them down here.
I'm proud to say I did my part to mark Endangered Species Day. I spent the afternoon giving sympathy hugs to Republicans with brain cells.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to Canada! We won’t be here Monday, so tonight we’ll wish our neighbors to the north an early happy Victoria Day. It's a day for dusting off their William Shatner shrines and chugging any leftover Molson from last year's Victoria Day. If you're wondering what all the fuss is about, eh...
Victoria Day (French: Fête de la Reine) is a federal Canadian statutory holiday observed on the Monday before May 25th each year.
...or else off with your head.
Victoria Day marks the birthday of Queen Victoria (1837-1901). Following the death of Queen Victoria, May 24th was decreed as Empire Day across the British Empire. Today, Canada is the only country who still has a holiday on the day.
Victoria reigned for 63 years and seven months, a record for a British monarch that was only beaten in September 2015 by Queen Elizabeth II.
Though she never actually visited Canada, Queen Victoria grew up knowing a lot about Canada. Her father, the Duke of Kent (Prince Edward, fourth son of King George III), had lived for nearly ten years in Quebec City and Halifax.
All I can say is: thank god it's finally on our doorstep. I’m getting so tired of the radio stations and their 24/7 Victoria Day carol marathons. ("Grandma Got Run Over By A Mountie" AGAIN?!!!)
CHEERS to home vegetation. Plenty on the tube to distract us this weekend, starting tonight with Chris Hayes and Rachel Maddow harshing the red-hatted cult's buzz. But Bill Maher has the covid so he'll be slurping chicken soup and resting at home tonight instead of hosting Real Time.
ka-CHUNK!
The most popular home videos, new and old, are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. The MLB schedule is here, the NHL schedule is here, and the NBA schedule is here. CBS handles the PGA Championship coverage this weekend starting at 1. (Personal note: I miss dynamic duo Pat Summerall and Ken Venturi.) SNL's blah season comes to a merciful close tomorrow night with host Anya Taylor-Joy ("The Queen's Gambit") and musical guest Lil Nas X, who set the right-wing evangelicals' hair on fire earlier this year with his twerk-with-Satan video.
Sunday evening on 60 Minutes: a report from Iceland's newest volcano Geldingadalir. Then at 8 on Fox, Moe breaks a sacred rule in a secret bartenders society on the season finale of The Simpsons. Or you can watch the Billboard Music Awards on NBC, during which Pat Boone and I will appear via Zoom to accept our Legacy Award for our #1 hit duet (from the musical Arizona!): Ballot with the Bamboo Fibers On Top. Then John Oliver puts us to bed with his dulcet tones on another fresh episode of HBO’s Last Week Tonight.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Happy viewing!
-
Ten years ago in C&J: May 21, 2011
CHEERS to making a slick getaway. Libya's oil minister, hatching a crude plan that had been bubbling up for days, defected to the rebels' side. Shokri Ghanem's departure leaves his boss, Muammar Khaddafi, over a barrel. As for Ghanem's new life as a fighter against the power, he's pumped. So I guess it's true what they say: oil's well that ends well.
-
And just one more…
CHEERS to the Mayor of Castro Street. Tomorrow marks the 91st birthday of the late San Francisco District Supervisor and gay rights pioneer Harvey Milk.
“It takes no compromising to give people their rights. It takes no money to respect the individual. It takes no survey to remove repressions.”
“All young people, regardless of sexual orientation or identity, deserve a safe and supportive environment in which to achieve their full potential.”
He was a talented politician—smart, witty, eloquent, tireless, eager to learn from his early mistakes, but not without his flaws and personal demons. He understood well the power of grassroots campaigning and consensus-building, which is an itty bit critical as we find ourselves ramping up for the most consequential election since 1864. One of my favorite things Harvey wrote is his 10 rules on how to win a local election (from Randy Shilts' brilliant book The Mayor of Castro Street):
1. Interviews with all major papers. ['All' was underlined three times.]
2. Knock on all doors.
The U.S. Navy, under President Obama, commissioned a ship in Harvey’s name. He served during the Korean War as a lieutenant, but was forced to resign because they found out he was gay.
3. Ride buses
4. Visit non-gay bars during the daytime and any singles bars at nite.
5. Coffee shops and restaurants. Stop off early in morning and late at night.
6. Shake hands.
7. Shake hands.
8. As few meetings as possible—just meet the people.
9. Door to door of registered Demo's is very best thing you can do outside of media coverage.
10. Don't stop.
If he hadn’t been assassinated in 1978 at 48, he would've no doubt been a guiding force and leading fighter for full state and federal equality of LGBT citizens, and the steadily-rising poll numbers for marriage equality (67 percent now, says Gallup) would've made him cheer as much as the Trump administration’s rollback of LGBT-friendly federal policies would’ve made him bristle. His now-famous core message is just as relevant today:
Have a great weekend, all you wonderful us’s. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
-