Oh! More Things I Know:
Continued...
And now, our feature presentation...
Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, May 4, 2023
Note: Now that we're all publicly gathered on this National Day of Prayer, I'll start with the customary opening:
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By the Numbers:
2 days!!!
Days 'til the full "flower moon": 1
Days 'til Dessert Wars in Washington DC: 2
Job vacancies in March, the lowest in two years: 9.6 million
Number of arrests made by U.S. and international law enforcement while seizing over $53 million in cash and crypto as part of a raid on a dark-web drug ring: 288
Kilos worth of drugs seized in the operation: 850
Percent chance Australia is banning recreation vaping by making vapes available only by prescription as a stop-smoking aid: 100%
Net worth of The Bank of Bill in Portland Maine, down from its peak of $5.3 trillion, when it was seized by the feds this week: 1 jar of pennies
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Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Hello there, Turkey Bacon!
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CHEERS to debt ceiling jiu-jitsu. House Speaker Marjorie Taylor Greene (let’s stop pretending it’s Kevin McCarthy, shall we?) thinks she's so smart, eh? She thinks she can ram through draconian budget cuts—including services for seniors and veterans—as ransom for raising the debt ceiling, eh? Well, joke's on it…I mean, her…because House Democrats apparently blew the dust off the chamber's sacred rule book and found maybe a loophole that'll whipsaw Greene's bill back in her big dumb face:
A discharge petition to deal with Republican sewage. Nicely played.
JEERS to fulfilling expectations. The conservatives on the Supreme Court—the "Soulless Six"—have made a mockery of the institution. Unreported trips! Unreported homes! Drunk and disorderly late-night orgies! Bank robberies! And swearing in public! It's out of control and the only thing that can ride to the rescue is THE MIGHTY UNITED STATES SENATE. Tuesday Judiciary chair Dick Durbin gathered the committee, clad in their finest linen togas, to demand that the concept of ethics be introduced to the members of the nation's highest court through formal legislation, and when all was said and done this is what they produced:
Sorry for the letdown. But on the bright side, they finally nailed that effing tumbleweed for unreported travel expenses.
JEERS to itchy trigger fingers. Fifty-three years ago today, National Guard troops fired on Vietnam War protesters at Ohio’s Kent State University, killing four students and injuring 12 in 13 seconds. (The site is now designated Ohio’s 76th National Historic Site.) The question that may never be answered: what possessed the Guard to use live ammo when they could've pacified the crowd with a plate of hash brownies? A permanent blemish on my home state's record.
P.S. Imagine if all the students had been walking around with concealed (or even open-carry) weapons so they could “stand their ground,” a concept that makes Republicans salivate every time they think about it. That would've worked out swell that day, huh. Yeah. Real swell.
CHEERS to connecting the docs. The American Medical Association, which is rapidly coming around in favor of a single-payer health care system, was formed 176 years ago today. Medical professionals from 22 states and 28 medical schools attended to hear such topics as: "How to Smoke a Stogie Properly Over an Open Wound," "Why Drugs Will Never Replace A Good Arsenic Tincture" and “Ether: Your Trusted After-hours Friend.” On their first day they unanimously approved the association's motto which is still in place today: "E Pluribus Three O'clock Tee Time."
JEERS to today's edition of [Wink Wink!] Better Luck Next Time. Courtesy of CNN:
This has been today's edition of [Wink Wink!] Better Luck Next Time.
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Ten years ago in C&J: May 4, 2013
JEERS to Tsarnaev's little helpers. Three suspects have been arrested for allegedly being recruited by Dzokhar Tsarnaev to help him erase his tracks after the Boston Marathon bombing. To quote the knight in the third Indiana Jones movie: He chose…poooorly.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to joining the coolest club in Clubland. I must say, this whole Rock and Roll Hall of Fame fad seems to have some staying power. The 38th annual inductees were announced yesterday, and this year’s batch is a nice mix of pop, rock, and a little bit ‘o country...
Congrats to all the inductees, who will formally get their scepters and sashes in November. But, once again, C&J must object—as we have every year since inductions began in 1986—to the continued snub of musical supernova Shaun Cassidy, who made the world safe for slightly-askew painter's caps. It's becoming increasingly difficult to tamp down the bitterness. Help us, President Biden...you’re our only hope.
Have a nice Thursday and May The Fourth Be With You. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Continued...
✌ The red-hatted cult's attempt to smear gay people as "groomers" can't help but backfire. Everybody already knows they're groomers. They've dominated the hair care industry since forever.
✌ Look, I like Willie Nelson. I do. But I think for the good of the country he should step down from making music in favor of a younger Willie Nelson.
✌ I look forward to the day when I can tell my GPS to tell the GPS in the car in front of me to tell the driver to quit driving like an idiot.
Also what I know: Republicans are the #1 violators of their own billboards.
✌ The right-wing religious and political kooks who want the death penalty for American doctors who provide abortions here have no problem with doctors performing abortions in Israel because they don’t want to rock the Rapture boat.
✌ Something you rarely heard during Alexander Graham Bell's time: "Dammit, I just dropped my phone in the toilet."
✌ The Supreme Court, which would like you to take them seriously, once ruled that people aren't people, and later ruled that corporations are.
✌ Another thing you can thank the MAGA cult for: doorbells are now almost as deadly as guns.
✌ The biggest surprise to artificial intelligence is how much it’s had to dumb itself down to match human intelligence.
✌ If you’re ever invited to a squirrel party, leave the Jägermeister at home.
And now, our feature presentation...
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Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, May 4, 2023
Note: Now that we're all publicly gathered on this National Day of Prayer, I'll start with the customary opening:
-
By the Numbers:
2 days!!!
Days 'til the full "flower moon": 1
Days 'til Dessert Wars in Washington DC: 2
Job vacancies in March, the lowest in two years: 9.6 million
Number of arrests made by U.S. and international law enforcement while seizing over $53 million in cash and crypto as part of a raid on a dark-web drug ring: 288
Kilos worth of drugs seized in the operation: 850
Percent chance Australia is banning recreation vaping by making vapes available only by prescription as a stop-smoking aid: 100%
Net worth of The Bank of Bill in Portland Maine, down from its peak of $5.3 trillion, when it was seized by the feds this week: 1 jar of pennies
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Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:
Seeing yet another story in the newspaper about global warming doesn’t make much of an impression unless, of course, some storm has just knocked out your electricity for three days and your acquaintance with the greenhouse effect is now measured in buckets of sweat. […]
Denial of global warming is being aided and abetted by those whom [Bill] McKibben calls “confusionists”—ideologues and industry flacks who keep trying to discredit the scientists by using inaccurate and misunderstood statistics. Rush Limbaugh, for some bizarre reason, has taken it upon himself to crusade against the idea of global warming as some kind of left-wing plot. […]
One theory of government is that it only reacts to a crisis; trouble comes when we cannot even agree on what a crisis is. Pardon me if some left-wing bias is showing here, but I’d rather get my scientific information from scientists than from Limbaugh.
—September 1995
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Hello there, Turkey Bacon!
-
CHEERS to debt ceiling jiu-jitsu. House Speaker Marjorie Taylor Greene (let’s stop pretending it’s Kevin McCarthy, shall we?) thinks she's so smart, eh? She thinks she can ram through draconian budget cuts—including services for seniors and veterans—as ransom for raising the debt ceiling, eh? Well, joke's on it…I mean, her…because House Democrats apparently blew the dust off the chamber's sacred rule book and found maybe a loophole that'll whipsaw Greene's bill back in her big dumb face:
House Democrats are using a discharge petition—a rarely used procedural move to get a bill out of committee—to force a vote with support from 218members. It would require the support of the entire Democratic caucus and at least five Republicans willing to cross party lines. […]
The sacred House texts include all the cool procedural moves, including the discharge petition, the wet Willie, and the popular “Hey look over there!”
The vehicle for the vote is a bill from Rep. Mark DeSaulnier, D-Calif., filed on Jan. 30. The title—"The Breaking the Gridlock Act"—could have given it away. But the legislation wasn't focused on the debt crisis. It included so many Democratic wishes, from a task force to help grandparents raising grandchildren to a grant program to protect nonprofits against terrorist attacks, that it was referred to 20 committees.
Being referred to all those committees, sitting without action for months, is how Democrats are now able to use this shell of a bill to use the discharge petition. A bill has to sit in committee for at least 30 days to trigger a discharge petition.
A discharge petition to deal with Republican sewage. Nicely played.
JEERS to fulfilling expectations. The conservatives on the Supreme Court—the "Soulless Six"—have made a mockery of the institution. Unreported trips! Unreported homes! Drunk and disorderly late-night orgies! Bank robberies! And swearing in public! It's out of control and the only thing that can ride to the rescue is THE MIGHTY UNITED STATES SENATE. Tuesday Judiciary chair Dick Durbin gathered the committee, clad in their finest linen togas, to demand that the concept of ethics be introduced to the members of the nation's highest court through formal legislation, and when all was said and done this is what they produced:
Sorry for the letdown. But on the bright side, they finally nailed that effing tumbleweed for unreported travel expenses.
JEERS to itchy trigger fingers. Fifty-three years ago today, National Guard troops fired on Vietnam War protesters at Ohio’s Kent State University, killing four students and injuring 12 in 13 seconds. (The site is now designated Ohio’s 76th National Historic Site.) The question that may never be answered: what possessed the Guard to use live ammo when they could've pacified the crowd with a plate of hash brownies? A permanent blemish on my home state's record.
P.S. Imagine if all the students had been walking around with concealed (or even open-carry) weapons so they could “stand their ground,” a concept that makes Republicans salivate every time they think about it. That would've worked out swell that day, huh. Yeah. Real swell.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to connecting the docs. The American Medical Association, which is rapidly coming around in favor of a single-payer health care system, was formed 176 years ago today. Medical professionals from 22 states and 28 medical schools attended to hear such topics as: "How to Smoke a Stogie Properly Over an Open Wound," "Why Drugs Will Never Replace A Good Arsenic Tincture" and “Ether: Your Trusted After-hours Friend.” On their first day they unanimously approved the association's motto which is still in place today: "E Pluribus Three O'clock Tee Time."
JEERS to today's edition of [Wink Wink!] Better Luck Next Time. Courtesy of CNN:
This has been today's edition of [Wink Wink!] Better Luck Next Time.
-
Ten years ago in C&J: May 4, 2013
JEERS to Tsarnaev's little helpers. Three suspects have been arrested for allegedly being recruited by Dzokhar Tsarnaev to help him erase his tracks after the Boston Marathon bombing. To quote the knight in the third Indiana Jones movie: He chose…poooorly.
-
And just one more…
CHEERS to joining the coolest club in Clubland. I must say, this whole Rock and Roll Hall of Fame fad seems to have some staying power. The 38th annual inductees were announced yesterday, and this year’s batch is a nice mix of pop, rock, and a little bit ‘o country...
Congrats to all the inductees, who will formally get their scepters and sashes in November. But, once again, C&J must object—as we have every year since inductions began in 1986—to the continued snub of musical supernova Shaun Cassidy, who made the world safe for slightly-askew painter's caps. It's becoming increasingly difficult to tamp down the bitterness. Help us, President Biden...you’re our only hope.
Have a nice Thursday and May The Fourth Be With You. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
-
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