Ohio Republican Crybaby Says What?
Okay, Congressman Jim Jordan. I'll play your little game. Since you think you're so knowledgeable about "Statements that make the Left mad" (none of which hold up to scrutiny), here are some statements that make the right mad:
I'm bored. It’s too easy.
Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, July 1, 2021
Note: Here's ye olde July 4th holiday schedule for C&J. Tomorrow evening we'll post our annual July 4, 1776 edition. (Fair warning: we link to a painting that shows a woman's boob, so be sure to gather all the children around to read it with you.) Monday we'll be off so we can get our fingers reattached from Sunday's fireworks. If the operation's a success, we'll be back Tuesday. If the operation is a failure, we'll be back Tuesday with a plate of lightly-breaded finger food.
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By the Numbers:
9 days!!!
Days 'til National Blueberry Day: 7
Days 'til the Hot Air Balloon Rodeo in Steamboat Springs, Colorado: 9
Rank of Phoenix, San Diego, and Seattle in terms of the highest year-over-year jumps in housing prices, up more than 20 percent from the year before: #1, #2, #3
Aggregate drop in traffic at Trump-cult gaslighting sites like Newsmax, Breitbart, and The Federalist from February through May, according to Comscore data: -44%
Factor by which the South Pole is warming versus the rest of the planet, according to The Guardian: 3x
Year that Independence Day was made a formal federal holiday: 1941
U.S. towns with Independence in their name: 11
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Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Courtesy of Buzzfeed, animal optical illusions…
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CHEERS to July! Welcome to the month that starts Act II of 2021 after an intermission lasting exactly zero seconds. America turns 245 Sunday (thanks to the history of conservatives botching everything, we don’t look a day under 500), during which our new president will celebrate the taming of a pandemic to the point where he can have a thousand heroic first responders, medical personnel, and servicemembers to the White House for a backyard barbecue. And Canada turns 154 today, so put your Molson on Justin’s tab.
July 20 marks the 52nd anniversary of the 1st moon landing. Thankfully Buzz Aldrin is still with us. But be sure to wink at the full moon on the 23rd in memory of Neil Armstrong, Michael Collins, and all of our departed space pioneers.
July is also National Baked Beans Month and National Ice Cream Month. On the 11th we'll celebrate something called Feest van de Vlaamse Gemeenschap (Translation: "The takeover of the planet by horny gerbils with grenade launchers"), and Levar Burton finally takes his rightful place as Jeopardy! guest host on the 26th, but not before the full moon—aka a “buck moon”—happens on the 23rd. (Speaking of full moons, the second week of July is Nude Recreation Week.) Movie theaters are back in action, though nothing looks particularly exciting beyond getting to munch on real movie theater popcorn and nachos again. And the only thing we can all truly count on this month: a whole lotta bakin' goin' on and I ain't talkin' about pies although those, too. I say global warming is a hoax again until this pea soup moves on.
CHEERS to a fine Fourth. If this pans out today, we'll have more than just our Independence to celebrate:
Golly. Nothing like this ever happened to Hillary.
CHEERS to throwing sunshine on a nasty cockroach infestation. Being the new keepers of the motto "If It Feels Good, Do It," I would never expect Republicans to agree to clean up their own mess, even if that mess involves a planned insurrection involving their own teammates. So it's up to the Democrats, now the keepers of the motto "the party of personal responsibility," to investigate the events before, during, and after the January 6th shit show:
Speaker Pelosi made it clear that the goal of the commission is to get to the bottom of things, a goal Congressman Matt Gaetz said he’s happy to support, but only if the bottom belongs to a teenage girl.
CHEERS to the turning point. 158 years ago today, on July 1, 1863, the Battle of Gettysburg began, marking the high-water mark of the nasty old slavery advocates. (For the record, Maine won the war for the Union, although we hate to brag about it because we're modest.) In a show of magnanimity—because, hey, what's a little tyranny between friends—I bought the South a gift today, on account of I thought it was fitting for the occasion. It's an actual “Hour of Glory” Robert E. Lee cuckoo clock:
A “Top Christmas Gift.” Gee...thanks, Santa???
Instead of a cuckoo, a little toy cannon goes off every hour. Who knew treason could be so whimsical?
CHEERS to the right man for the right job at the right time. This week marks the 246th year since George Washington—freshly promoted to general by the constitutional mouseketeers—took command of the Continental Army in Cambridge, Massachusetts in 1775. He won some battles, lost some battles (okay, a lot) and suffered mightily, but had the courage, smarts and fortitude to keep his army together and eventually claim victory by bottling up old Butthead Cornwallis at the Yorktown Municipal Airport. And he did it all while wearing knee stockings. Suck it, Patton.
CHEERS to cool science. You think Earth is a bit turbulent these days? Get a load 'o this:
According to the researchers, the black holes are currently exchanging insurance information and have already been booked to settle their case on The People's Court.
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Ten years ago in C&J: July 1, 2011
CHEERS to President Dad. During yesterday's press conference, Barack Obama told the Republican Party-of-No that they better start doing the people's business or else he's gonna stop the car and really give 'em something to cry about. After two years of tolerating their obstructionist bullshit, he dumbed down his words so even the Rand Pauls and Peter Kings could understand:
When they heard about his comments, Eric Cantor, John Boehner and Mitch McConnell immediately sent a text un-inviting him to their next slumber party.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to our favorite constitutional monarchy! Happy birthday, Canada! As America prepares to celebrate the violent upheaval and protracted war with Britain that led to our own "Brexit," our neighbors to the north are commemorating the cool, calm, and civilized "union of the British North America provinces in a federation under the name of Canada [on] July1st."
Okay, whoever decided to post this pic in C&J is just rude, eh.
Awesome! Whoooo!!! We luv ya Canada! (Disclaimer: But not your tar sands.) Don't get too crazy tonight—you could tear a rotator cuff politely waving at your neighbors.
Have a nice Thursday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Okay, Congressman Jim Jordan. I'll play your little game. Since you think you're so knowledgeable about "Statements that make the Left mad" (none of which hold up to scrutiny), here are some statements that make the right mad:
I'm bored. It’s too easy.
Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, July 1, 2021
Note: Here's ye olde July 4th holiday schedule for C&J. Tomorrow evening we'll post our annual July 4, 1776 edition. (Fair warning: we link to a painting that shows a woman's boob, so be sure to gather all the children around to read it with you.) Monday we'll be off so we can get our fingers reattached from Sunday's fireworks. If the operation's a success, we'll be back Tuesday. If the operation is a failure, we'll be back Tuesday with a plate of lightly-breaded finger food.
-
By the Numbers:
9 days!!!
Days 'til National Blueberry Day: 7
Days 'til the Hot Air Balloon Rodeo in Steamboat Springs, Colorado: 9
Rank of Phoenix, San Diego, and Seattle in terms of the highest year-over-year jumps in housing prices, up more than 20 percent from the year before: #1, #2, #3
Aggregate drop in traffic at Trump-cult gaslighting sites like Newsmax, Breitbart, and The Federalist from February through May, according to Comscore data: -44%
Factor by which the South Pole is warming versus the rest of the planet, according to The Guardian: 3x
Year that Independence Day was made a formal federal holiday: 1941
U.S. towns with Independence in their name: 11
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Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:
Happy birthday, America! Ye Olde Fourth of July rolls around again and finds the Great Nation in, frankly, a somewhat pissy mood. Lots of blame game, name-slinging and general unpleasantness. But there's always an upside. The vice president reports that if you go ahead and let fly with the f-word, it makes you feel better. Anything to get that fun Dick Cheney back to his usual sunny self, I always say.
True, we seem to have had more halcyon national natal days, but if we ignore Iraq for the weekend, we should be able to celebrate our national heritage without punching each other in the eye.
So let's salute all that makes America special, starting with us, the people. Here's to all the musicians from country to hip-hop to rock to classical to jazz to folk to be-bop to norteno to polka to reggae, and to all the fusion forms thereof. Here's to all the artists who get no respect—the washboard players and lute strummers, harmonica blowers and banjo pickers. Here's to their endless generosity in playing special benefits for retired musicians who are ill and have no health insurance, all over America, every night. And here's to the great Ray Charles, bless his heart. May we all hear his version of "America the Beautiful" this holiday.
—July 2004
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Courtesy of Buzzfeed, animal optical illusions…
-
CHEERS to July! Welcome to the month that starts Act II of 2021 after an intermission lasting exactly zero seconds. America turns 245 Sunday (thanks to the history of conservatives botching everything, we don’t look a day under 500), during which our new president will celebrate the taming of a pandemic to the point where he can have a thousand heroic first responders, medical personnel, and servicemembers to the White House for a backyard barbecue. And Canada turns 154 today, so put your Molson on Justin’s tab.
July 20 marks the 52nd anniversary of the 1st moon landing. Thankfully Buzz Aldrin is still with us. But be sure to wink at the full moon on the 23rd in memory of Neil Armstrong, Michael Collins, and all of our departed space pioneers.
July is also National Baked Beans Month and National Ice Cream Month. On the 11th we'll celebrate something called Feest van de Vlaamse Gemeenschap (Translation: "The takeover of the planet by horny gerbils with grenade launchers"), and Levar Burton finally takes his rightful place as Jeopardy! guest host on the 26th, but not before the full moon—aka a “buck moon”—happens on the 23rd. (Speaking of full moons, the second week of July is Nude Recreation Week.) Movie theaters are back in action, though nothing looks particularly exciting beyond getting to munch on real movie theater popcorn and nachos again. And the only thing we can all truly count on this month: a whole lotta bakin' goin' on and I ain't talkin' about pies although those, too. I say global warming is a hoax again until this pea soup moves on.
CHEERS to a fine Fourth. If this pans out today, we'll have more than just our Independence to celebrate:
Golly. Nothing like this ever happened to Hillary.
CHEERS to throwing sunshine on a nasty cockroach infestation. Being the new keepers of the motto "If It Feels Good, Do It," I would never expect Republicans to agree to clean up their own mess, even if that mess involves a planned insurrection involving their own teammates. So it's up to the Democrats, now the keepers of the motto "the party of personal responsibility," to investigate the events before, during, and after the January 6th shit show:
The bill would create a 13-member committee made up of eight members appointed by Speaker Nancy Pelosi, and five chosen by House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy.
Democrats see terrorism. Republicans see tourism.
Pelosi is considering naming one Republican, which would give the committee a partisan balance of seven Democrats to six Republicans.
But Pelosi will also essentially have veto power over McCarthy's choices, as the Republican leader will make appointments in consultation with the speaker.
So if McCarthy wanted to appoint a member who had downplayed January 6, or voted to overturn the Electoral College results, the speaker could reject his choice.
Speaker Pelosi made it clear that the goal of the commission is to get to the bottom of things, a goal Congressman Matt Gaetz said he’s happy to support, but only if the bottom belongs to a teenage girl.
CHEERS to the turning point. 158 years ago today, on July 1, 1863, the Battle of Gettysburg began, marking the high-water mark of the nasty old slavery advocates. (For the record, Maine won the war for the Union, although we hate to brag about it because we're modest.) In a show of magnanimity—because, hey, what's a little tyranny between friends—I bought the South a gift today, on account of I thought it was fitting for the occasion. It's an actual “Hour of Glory” Robert E. Lee cuckoo clock:
A “Top Christmas Gift.” Gee...thanks, Santa???
Instead of a cuckoo, a little toy cannon goes off every hour. Who knew treason could be so whimsical?
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to the right man for the right job at the right time. This week marks the 246th year since George Washington—freshly promoted to general by the constitutional mouseketeers—took command of the Continental Army in Cambridge, Massachusetts in 1775. He won some battles, lost some battles (okay, a lot) and suffered mightily, but had the courage, smarts and fortitude to keep his army together and eventually claim victory by bottling up old Butthead Cornwallis at the Yorktown Municipal Airport. And he did it all while wearing knee stockings. Suck it, Patton.
CHEERS to cool science. You think Earth is a bit turbulent these days? Get a load 'o this:
According to the researchers, the black holes are currently exchanging insurance information and have already been booked to settle their case on The People's Court.
-
Ten years ago in C&J: July 1, 2011
CHEERS to President Dad. During yesterday's press conference, Barack Obama told the Republican Party-of-No that they better start doing the people's business or else he's gonna stop the car and really give 'em something to cry about. After two years of tolerating their obstructionist bullshit, he dumbed down his words so even the Rand Pauls and Peter Kings could understand:
When they heard about his comments, Eric Cantor, John Boehner and Mitch McConnell immediately sent a text un-inviting him to their next slumber party.
-
And just one more…
CHEERS to our favorite constitutional monarchy! Happy birthday, Canada! As America prepares to celebrate the violent upheaval and protracted war with Britain that led to our own "Brexit," our neighbors to the north are commemorating the cool, calm, and civilized "union of the British North America provinces in a federation under the name of Canada [on] July1st."
Okay, whoever decided to post this pic in C&J is just rude, eh.
Awesome! Whoooo!!! We luv ya Canada! (Disclaimer: But not your tar sands.) Don't get too crazy tonight—you could tear a rotator cuff politely waving at your neighbors.
Have a nice Thursday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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