"Hey-oooooooo!!!"
A C&J EXCLUSIVE preview of some HILARIOUS Biden joke punch lines you'll be hearing in 2023 from the late-night comedians. Hold on to your funny bones!
Because when you’re smart, honest, dedicated, hard-working, empathetic, accomplished, literate, and scandal-free, old-man jokes is all they got. So that's what we're gonna get.
Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, December 27, 2022
Note: “If you didn't get what you wanted for Christmas, it's Ukraine's fault. Blame Ukraine.”
—Russia, standing in front of curtain concealing what you wanted for Christmas
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By the Numbers:
9 days!!!
Days 'til 2023: 5
Days 'til the Tampa Bay Black Heritage Festival: 9
Third quarter U.S. economic growth, revised up from 2.9%: 3.2%
Estimated number of Mainers who lost power during the bomb cyclone Friday: 254,000
Amount Americans hold in unused gift cards, roughly $175 per person: $21 billion
Date on which Bugatti will sell its very last purely gas-powered supercar, the Chiron Profilée, at a Paris auction: 2/1/23
Years during which Guy Lombardo and his Royal Canadians performed Auld Lang Syne on New Year's Eve: 1939-1977
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Puppy Pic of the Day: At San Francisco International Airport—Saved!!!
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CHEERS to blessed silence. They've turned off the Christmas carols. It's safe to come out now. We hope you were as fortunate as we were by making it through another season without hearing the Kenny G version of Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer or FIFA’s rendition of The Little Vuvuzela Boy. But we’re not entirely out of the woods yet. Nothing but non-stop Auld Lang Syne for the next four days, and crazy MAGA Uncle Bert is still only on page 16 of his Festivus grievances. (This CHEER is sponsored by ACME earplugs. Remember: If you haven’t heard a thing about ACME Earplugs, you must already be using ACME earplugs.)
P.S. Belated Boxing Day, Canada…
YouTube Video
CHEERS and JEERS to action news lightning round. I can think of zero reasons to get into the weeds of hard news while we're still basking in the glow of a holiday weekend and standing on the precipice of another. So toss I shall a mere smattering of fresh headlines to get you up to speed without killing the buzz:
And this just in: pessimists lament that there's a 50 percent chance that 2023 will suck, while optimists gush that there's a 50 percent chance that 2023 will rock. Highlights of ensuing street brawl tonight on Newscenter at 11.
CHEERS to keeping things in focus. Happy 452nd birthday to Johannes Kepler, the "founder of modern optics." Among many other accomplishments, he designed the first lenses to help farsightedness and nearsightedness. Sadly for our current political class, there was nothing in his bag of tricks to help shortsightedness.
CHEERS to buying ink by the barrel. In an age where passing anything that isn’t intended to just kick the can down the road, the Democrat-controlled federal government went above and beyond in this, the second year of the Biden administration. Once a bill gets signed into law, it often fades from view faster than it should as we look toward the next legislative battle. So before 2022 runs out of sands in the hourglass, here are five bills compiled by the helpful elves at NBC News that deserve one more moment in the sun. (My summaries, not theirs, for brevity):
Not bad for one year. And with those piddly things out of the way, the MAGAts who will control the House one week from today (do they have a Speaker yet?) can finally get down to the most important business facing our nation: investigating Dr. Fauci for conspiring with George Soros and Hunter Biden's laptop to turn us all into goat-headed demons with nanobots. (Hey, I told you not to eat all your popcorn during the January 6 Committee hearings. Don't you remember me telling you that? I told you that!)
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15 years ago in C&J: December 27, 2007
CHEERS to sunshine dreams and rainbow fantasies. On Tuesday, as part of his Christmas message, the Pope asked—as popes always do—for the "wisdom and courage" to end wars. I hope the Martians were listening, because god knows we never do.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to home sweet safe home. This year's rankings released by WalletHub ("For all your hub needs as they relate to wallets and such") say that Maine's two largest cities are among the safest in the country and getting safer. Out of over 180 cities studied for "home & community Safety, natural-disaster risk, and financial safety,” Portland ranks 4th (up from 8th last year), and Lewiston—which has a large and thriving immigrant population, so it should be a madhouse of crime, right?—flew up the charts from 42nd to 10th. The top ten safest cities:
As usual, the most dangerous place in America remains the space between a megachurch grifter and an old lady’s checkbook.
Have a tolerable Tuesday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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A C&J EXCLUSIVE preview of some HILARIOUS Biden joke punch lines you'll be hearing in 2023 from the late-night comedians. Hold on to your funny bones!
Because when you’re smart, honest, dedicated, hard-working, empathetic, accomplished, literate, and scandal-free, old-man jokes is all they got. So that's what we're gonna get.
Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, December 27, 2022
Note: “If you didn't get what you wanted for Christmas, it's Ukraine's fault. Blame Ukraine.”
—Russia, standing in front of curtain concealing what you wanted for Christmas
-
By the Numbers:
9 days!!!
Days 'til 2023: 5
Days 'til the Tampa Bay Black Heritage Festival: 9
Third quarter U.S. economic growth, revised up from 2.9%: 3.2%
Estimated number of Mainers who lost power during the bomb cyclone Friday: 254,000
Amount Americans hold in unused gift cards, roughly $175 per person: $21 billion
Date on which Bugatti will sell its very last purely gas-powered supercar, the Chiron Profilée, at a Paris auction: 2/1/23
Years during which Guy Lombardo and his Royal Canadians performed Auld Lang Syne on New Year's Eve: 1939-1977
-
Puppy Pic of the Day: At San Francisco International Airport—Saved!!!
-
CHEERS to blessed silence. They've turned off the Christmas carols. It's safe to come out now. We hope you were as fortunate as we were by making it through another season without hearing the Kenny G version of Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer or FIFA’s rendition of The Little Vuvuzela Boy. But we’re not entirely out of the woods yet. Nothing but non-stop Auld Lang Syne for the next four days, and crazy MAGA Uncle Bert is still only on page 16 of his Festivus grievances. (This CHEER is sponsored by ACME earplugs. Remember: If you haven’t heard a thing about ACME Earplugs, you must already be using ACME earplugs.)
P.S. Belated Boxing Day, Canada…
YouTube Video
-
CHEERS and JEERS to action news lightning round. I can think of zero reasons to get into the weeds of hard news while we're still basking in the glow of a holiday weekend and standing on the precipice of another. So toss I shall a mere smattering of fresh headlines to get you up to speed without killing the buzz:
» A judge ruled that MAGA-infected zombie Kari Lake will not be the next governor of Arizona. “Yeah, we know,” said everybody but Kari Lake.
» Many people thought Vladimir Putin said stuff about wanting to end his war on Ukraine, but he actually said “Iwandendaworr wi ukray nee!!!” which translates to “Help, I’ve fallen down the stairs and shit myself again.”
For more news, grab a jeweler’s loupe and go to it.
» Some say the Webb space telescope was launched into space a year ago and transformed astronomy. Others disagree.
» Every single flight in the United States was canceled over the holidays because a toilet was briefly clogged at LaGuardia. Or a bomb cyclone, I forget.
» Texas Governor Greg Abbott signaled he’s running to be the Republican candidate for president in 2024 by kidnapping and shuttling a hundred immigrants from taxpayer-funded rental buses in Texas up to the freezing D.C. cold.
» King Charles III used his first kingly Christmas speech to bark at the commoners to suck it up and add some more thatch to their rooves if they’re so bloody cold, words suggesting that he, too, is running to be the Republican candidate for president in 2024.
» CNN ran a critical article about how often you should wash your hair, and we discovered that the answer is: hell if we know.
And this just in: pessimists lament that there's a 50 percent chance that 2023 will suck, while optimists gush that there's a 50 percent chance that 2023 will rock. Highlights of ensuing street brawl tonight on Newscenter at 11.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to keeping things in focus. Happy 452nd birthday to Johannes Kepler, the "founder of modern optics." Among many other accomplishments, he designed the first lenses to help farsightedness and nearsightedness. Sadly for our current political class, there was nothing in his bag of tricks to help shortsightedness.
CHEERS to buying ink by the barrel. In an age where passing anything that isn’t intended to just kick the can down the road, the Democrat-controlled federal government went above and beyond in this, the second year of the Biden administration. Once a bill gets signed into law, it often fades from view faster than it should as we look toward the next legislative battle. So before 2022 runs out of sands in the hourglass, here are five bills compiled by the helpful elves at NBC News that deserve one more moment in the sun. (My summaries, not theirs, for brevity):
Not bad for one year. And with those piddly things out of the way, the MAGAts who will control the House one week from today (do they have a Speaker yet?) can finally get down to the most important business facing our nation: investigating Dr. Fauci for conspiring with George Soros and Hunter Biden's laptop to turn us all into goat-headed demons with nanobots. (Hey, I told you not to eat all your popcorn during the January 6 Committee hearings. Don't you remember me telling you that? I told you that!)
-
15 years ago in C&J: December 27, 2007
CHEERS to sunshine dreams and rainbow fantasies. On Tuesday, as part of his Christmas message, the Pope asked—as popes always do—for the "wisdom and courage" to end wars. I hope the Martians were listening, because god knows we never do.
-
And just one more…
CHEERS to home sweet safe home. This year's rankings released by WalletHub ("For all your hub needs as they relate to wallets and such") say that Maine's two largest cities are among the safest in the country and getting safer. Out of over 180 cities studied for "home & community Safety, natural-disaster risk, and financial safety,” Portland ranks 4th (up from 8th last year), and Lewiston—which has a large and thriving immigrant population, so it should be a madhouse of crime, right?—flew up the charts from 42nd to 10th. The top ten safest cities:
Columbia, MD
Needless to say, if this guy lives in your town, it’s not on WalletHub’s safest cities list.
Nashua, NH
Laredo, TX
Portland, ME
Warwick, RI
Yonkers, NY
Gilbert, AZ
Burlington, VT
Raleigh, NC
Lewiston, ME
As usual, the most dangerous place in America remains the space between a megachurch grifter and an old lady’s checkbook.
Have a tolerable Tuesday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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