Is This Thing On?
Heyyyyy! A blob of worthless scum, a certified lunatic, and a sexually-inadequate poster child for syphilis walk into a bar. Says the bartender: "Hi, Mr. Putin!"
I'll never forget the first time I heard about Vladimir Putin. But I'll keep trying! Hey-ohhhh!!! To be fair, I did think about him this morning, and I'd like to thank him for that…it reminded me that it's trash day! Buh-doosh!
Have you seen Putin's face? It makes onions cry. But seriously, don’t be ashamed of who you are, Vlad—that's the rest of the world’s job. To be honest, though, you really do bring joy to people's faces…when you leave the room! B’Dum!
In conclusion, your birth certificate is just an apology letter from a condom factory, and everyone thinks you were born on a highway because that's where most accidents happen.
Thank you and good morning! I still stand with Ukraine.
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, February 28, 2024
Note: Tomorrow is Leap Day. Please wear appropriate tights for the occasion. —Mgt.
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By the Numbers:
3 days!!!
Days 'til St. Patrick's Day: 16
Days 'til the Downtown Ithaca Chili Cook-off: 3
Amount Trump owes for every day he doesn’t pay his NY fraud fine: $112,000
New home sales in January, up 1.5% from December: 661,000
Number of miles a runaway train carrying a thousand passengers in India traveled, at speeds close to 50 mph: 40
Number of trains that run every day in India: 11,000
Number of years Reddit has turned a profit in its 18 years of existence: 0
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 187 (including 4 satanisms and 1 looming angelpocalypse). Soul Protection Factor 12 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: In Baton Rouge…..Saved!!!
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CHEERS to going on offense. In a classic example of "dog catches car," the MAGA cult (RIP, once-proud Republican party) saw their wish come true as the Alabama Supreme Court deemed microscopic bits of goo fully-formed human beings with all the rights and privileges of Made-in-America citizenship. USA! USA! And now that the loss of even a single embryo can send Mom and Dad to prison for the rest of their lives for muuuuurder, the lunacy of the right is coming into full focus, and Democrats plan to hammer away at the issue of reproductive rights:
Meanwhile, the RNC plans to fire back with a major billboard campaign of its own. Or, rather, they would if they weren't preparing to funnel all their cash to pay for Trump's lawyers. Oh well. Since when has an army ever lost a battle by showing up unarmed?
JEERS to reeeeally living down to expectations. News flash that will surprise no one: the government will shut down this Friday and the MAGA toddlers in the House have no freaking clue what they're going to do about it:
Despite the negative press, Republicans say everyone should calm down and relax, because they've got a wide variety of options from which to choose: flailing, wild flailing, hysterical flailing, angry flailing, flirty flailing, and a continuing resolution. The party of fiscal responsibility rolls on.
CHEERS to helping hands. Happy Peace Corps Week! The organization that John F. Kennedy built in ‘61 turns 63 today, and it's still crankin’ out the good works:
Sixty-three years later, it's still "the toughest job you'll ever love." Especially if you bring a few cases of Bacardi with you. And limes. Without the limes it's intolerable.
YouTube Video
JEERS to sticky fingers. On February 28, 2007, two Picassos worth some $66 million were swiped from the Paris home of the artist's granddaughter. Three thieves were caught the following August. When asked why they stole the paintings, they said they’d gotten tired of looking at their “Hang in there, it’s almost Friday” cat poster all day.
CHEERS to winning in the Wolverine State. The Michigan Democratic presidential primary came to a blessed end last night, and that means it's time to go out in the back yard and dig up the sealed mayonnaise jar containing my WEB-EXCLUSIVE prediction I wrote down in1988. I'll be right back…
Vroom vroom. Dig dig.
Okay, I'm back. And the winner is: Dennis Kucinich. Congratulations. On to Super Tuesday!
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Ten years ago in C&J: February 28, 2014
JEERS to bad timing. So I decided to take the plunge into the exciting world of Bitcoin, the hip and edgy currency equivalent of a rebellious teenager who's blowin' this soul-crushing steel mill town to live in the big city and pursue his dream of becoming a dancer. So I sunk the last $350 million I had into the impregnable "Mt. Gox" bitcoin exchange and…and…
Oh well. Only a dozen years 'til my Social Security kicks in.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to shooting the breeze. This is not a new German commercial. It’s over a dozen years old, but I’m glad I caught wind of it. It’s an award-winning ad that went through several drafts, but the effort and devotion to creativity paid off because it swept quite a few awards. It’s touching, actually, and stands the test of time as an important lesson in turning your potential into power:
YouTube Video
The actor, by the way, is Guillaume Delauney, to whom we give big—please don’t kill me—props.
Have a happy humpday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
-
-
Heyyyyy! A blob of worthless scum, a certified lunatic, and a sexually-inadequate poster child for syphilis walk into a bar. Says the bartender: "Hi, Mr. Putin!"
I'll never forget the first time I heard about Vladimir Putin. But I'll keep trying! Hey-ohhhh!!! To be fair, I did think about him this morning, and I'd like to thank him for that…it reminded me that it's trash day! Buh-doosh!
Have you seen Putin's face? It makes onions cry. But seriously, don’t be ashamed of who you are, Vlad—that's the rest of the world’s job. To be honest, though, you really do bring joy to people's faces…when you leave the room! B’Dum!
In conclusion, your birth certificate is just an apology letter from a condom factory, and everyone thinks you were born on a highway because that's where most accidents happen.
Thank you and good morning! I still stand with Ukraine.
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, February 28, 2024
Note: Tomorrow is Leap Day. Please wear appropriate tights for the occasion. —Mgt.
-
By the Numbers:
3 days!!!
Days 'til St. Patrick's Day: 16
Days 'til the Downtown Ithaca Chili Cook-off: 3
Amount Trump owes for every day he doesn’t pay his NY fraud fine: $112,000
New home sales in January, up 1.5% from December: 661,000
Number of miles a runaway train carrying a thousand passengers in India traveled, at speeds close to 50 mph: 40
Number of trains that run every day in India: 11,000
Number of years Reddit has turned a profit in its 18 years of existence: 0
-
Mid-week Rapture Index: 187 (including 4 satanisms and 1 looming angelpocalypse). Soul Protection Factor 12 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
-
Puppy Pic of the Day: In Baton Rouge…..Saved!!!
-
CHEERS to going on offense. In a classic example of "dog catches car," the MAGA cult (RIP, once-proud Republican party) saw their wish come true as the Alabama Supreme Court deemed microscopic bits of goo fully-formed human beings with all the rights and privileges of Made-in-America citizenship. USA! USA! And now that the loss of even a single embryo can send Mom and Dad to prison for the rest of their lives for muuuuurder, the lunacy of the right is coming into full focus, and Democrats plan to hammer away at the issue of reproductive rights:
In plans first shared with NBC News, the Democratic National Committee is expected to launch advertising Tuesday on dozens of billboards across Arizona, Florida, Georgia, Michigan, Nevada, North Carolina, Pennsylvania and Wisconsin with a message tying Trump to the IVF ruling, including a quote when he boasted about his ability to reverse Roe.
The ads are the latest example of Democrats’ focus on abortion and reproductive rights, underscoring what a crucial role the issue is expected to play in the fall election.
Meanwhile, the RNC plans to fire back with a major billboard campaign of its own. Or, rather, they would if they weren't preparing to funnel all their cash to pay for Trump's lawyers. Oh well. Since when has an army ever lost a battle by showing up unarmed?
JEERS to reeeeally living down to expectations. News flash that will surprise no one: the government will shut down this Friday and the MAGA toddlers in the House have no freaking clue what they're going to do about it:
There is still no clear path to avert a partial government shutdown at the end of the week, with just [two] days until Congress runs into a key funding deadline.
Trying times for Speaker Johnson. Now he has less time to surf porn on the device his son doesn’t know about.
Lawmakers had hoped to release the text of a bipartisan spending deal Sunday evening, but the bill has yet to be unveiled. High-level disagreements over policy issues remain as House Speaker Mike Johnson, a Louisiana Republican, is under immense pressure from his right flank to fight for conservative wins.
As the clock ticks down to the deadline, Senate Democrats expressed anger and frustration Monday at the growing risk of a shutdown as many criticized House Republicans over the impasse.
Despite the negative press, Republicans say everyone should calm down and relax, because they've got a wide variety of options from which to choose: flailing, wild flailing, hysterical flailing, angry flailing, flirty flailing, and a continuing resolution. The party of fiscal responsibility rolls on.
CHEERS to helping hands. Happy Peace Corps Week! The organization that John F. Kennedy built in ‘61 turns 63 today, and it's still crankin’ out the good works:
Since 1961, at the invitation of foreign governments, more than 240,000 Americans have served the United States and countries around the globe as Peace Corps Volunteers.
JFK greets Peace Corps volunteers in 1962.
There are currently over 2,400 Volunteers working alongside community members in 58 countries addressing the persistent impacts of COVID-19 and climate change, and tackling local development priorities across the Peace Corps’ six work sectors: Agriculture, Community Economic Development, Education, Environment, Health, and Youth in Development.
The theme for this year, "Optimism in Action," celebrates the myriad ways the Peace Corps collaborates with communities to confront formidable challenges and embodies a steadfast belief in the possibility of positive change through proactive, hopeful engagement. This theme highlights the vital role of resilience, adaptability, and sustainable change in surmounting global challenges and cultivating peace in our dynamically complex world.
Sixty-three years later, it's still "the toughest job you'll ever love." Especially if you bring a few cases of Bacardi with you. And limes. Without the limes it's intolerable.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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YouTube Video
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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JEERS to sticky fingers. On February 28, 2007, two Picassos worth some $66 million were swiped from the Paris home of the artist's granddaughter. Three thieves were caught the following August. When asked why they stole the paintings, they said they’d gotten tired of looking at their “Hang in there, it’s almost Friday” cat poster all day.
CHEERS to winning in the Wolverine State. The Michigan Democratic presidential primary came to a blessed end last night, and that means it's time to go out in the back yard and dig up the sealed mayonnaise jar containing my WEB-EXCLUSIVE prediction I wrote down in1988. I'll be right back…
Vroom vroom. Dig dig.
Okay, I'm back. And the winner is: Dennis Kucinich. Congratulations. On to Super Tuesday!
-
Ten years ago in C&J: February 28, 2014
JEERS to bad timing. So I decided to take the plunge into the exciting world of Bitcoin, the hip and edgy currency equivalent of a rebellious teenager who's blowin' this soul-crushing steel mill town to live in the big city and pursue his dream of becoming a dancer. So I sunk the last $350 million I had into the impregnable "Mt. Gox" bitcoin exchange and…and…
Oh well. Only a dozen years 'til my Social Security kicks in.
-
And just one more…
CHEERS to shooting the breeze. This is not a new German commercial. It’s over a dozen years old, but I’m glad I caught wind of it. It’s an award-winning ad that went through several drafts, but the effort and devotion to creativity paid off because it swept quite a few awards. It’s touching, actually, and stands the test of time as an important lesson in turning your potential into power:
YouTube Video
-
The actor, by the way, is Guillaume Delauney, to whom we give big—please don’t kill me—props.
Have a happy humpday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
-
-