H2OMIGOD
Continued...
But today water is on my shit list. If you can spare a buck or two….
Many thanks. And now, our feature presentation...
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, September 1, 2021
Note: Due to circumstances beyond our control, the C&J pharmacy is no longer selling our new miracle Covid-19 cure known as—[Checks notes]—ingestible dynamite capsules. We have no further comment at this time. Please refer all inquiries to our attorney’s attorneys' attorneys. Have a nice day. —C&J Legal Dept.
-
By the Numbers:
17 days!!!
Days 'til fall: 21
Days 'til the Lakeville Art Festival in Minnesota 17
Percent of Americans polled by ABC News who believe our withdrawal from Afghanistan will and will not, respectively, make a difference in our safety from terrorism: 36%, 56%
Percent of Democrats and Republicans, respectively, polled by Quinnipiac University who think that the extreme weather events in the United States over the past few years are related to climate change: 91%, 25%
Rank of the strength of Hurricane Ida among all hurricanes that have struck the continental United States, according to preliminary data via NASA: #5
Amount of leaded gasoline still being produced in the world as of this year: 0
Number of premature deaths the end of leaded gas will prevent annually from heart disease, strokes and cancer, especially in children: 1 million
-
Mid-week Rapture Index: 178 (including 5 wild weather events and 1 prophetess who is very bad at stopping them). Soul Protection Factor 24 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
-
Puppy Pic of the Day: [Polite golf clap]
-
CHEERS to September. Hold on to your corsets and your straw hats, this month is busy busy, busy. A day after we pack away our whites on Labor Day, Congress straggles back to work for more infrastructure/budget reconciliation/voting rights sausage making while continuing their investigation of the January 6th Republican insurrection. Meanwhile, California residents will decide via a recall election on the 14th if they'd rather have a Trump clone at the helm to deal with the simultaneous catastrophes of pandemic and drought and wildfires and Bill Maher. It's also Hunger Action Month, Cat Month, Suicide Prevention Month, and Sewing Month.
California Democrats should absolutely bury this referendum under an avalanche of “NO” votes. But will they?
President Biden continues juggling all the messes on his plate with quiet competence. Kids go back to school, followed shortly after by many of the same kids un-going-back to school when the delta variant rears its head in the classrooms and hallways because too many adults didn't plan ahead and besides masks are tyranny. Speaking of tyranny, freedom-loving American patriots who know beyond all doubt that the vaccine contains microchips and George Soros DNA will continue dropping like flies because their preferred treatment for Covid remains livestock-deworming paste. (Now available in zesty citrus and cool mint flavors!)
The 9/11 terrorist attack that Bush could’ve prevented if he’d read his PDBs turns twenty—twenty! (Kids, ask your parents.) Shoppers jam online stores looking for the perfect Autumnal Equinox and Mexican Independence Day gifts. ("A pair of socks? You shouldn’t have.") New England gets insanely beautiful as summer turns to fall. A full harvest moon happens on the 20th, but not before a full Rosh Hashanah starts on the 6th and full Yom Kippur starts on the 15th. Cedric the Entertainer hosts the Emmys on the 21st (Game of Thrones is expected to win everything just out of habit). Oh, and this will be fun: this'll be our first September since 2001 when we haven’t been at war. But if you keep giving us side-eye like that, France, we’re comin’ for ya.
CHEERS to a wee bit of perspective. It's been 48 hours since the announcement that the last of our troops had left Kabul and our war in Afghanistan had come to an end. The armchair generals on cable news and social media are firing broadsides at each other over how we should feel about it—relieved, pissed, happy, sad, baby-tantrummy, etc. But just from a time perspective, David Leonhardt of The New York Times' morning email sums up just how long we spent over there futilely trying to build a nation where a nation just don't want to be built:
Yeah. Other than the Republican party, I'm drawin' a blank.
JEERS to news that's hard to swallow. Question: where were you 154 years ago? You were nowhere, that's where. Hell, in 1867 Andrew Johnson was still president, Jesse James was robbing banks, Congress approved “a” Lincoln Memorial, and iPhones only cost a nickel. Here in Maine, the now-legendary B&M Baked Beans factory started cranking out their succulent pellets of molasses-swaddled goodness, and they've been a beloved institution on the Portland Waterfront ever since. Sadly, the iconic brick building that makes the magical fruit that makes you toot is getting the boot:
Gonna be awful quiet around these parts. Eerie quiet.
JEERS to the War to End All Wars to End All Wars. 82 years ago today, on September 1, 1939, Hitler invaded Poland and started World War II. The U.S. wouldn’t officially enter the fray for another two years, but when we did we kicked Fuhrer butt. Today we salute all our veterans who fought the real Axis of Evil...and also a special Luftwaffe vet who unwittingly helped shorten the war by months:
YouTube Video
Hey, I have an idea. Let's not do it again, shall we?
-
Ten years ago in C&J: September 1, 2011
CHEERS to the secret of the universe's success. How to give a scientist a spontaneous orgasm in one easy step: just walk up behind one and say, "Hey, wanna touch my asteroid dust?" Yes, indeed, a robotic thingy-doo crash landed in Australia last summer after successfully gathering two scoops of raisins samples of asteroid dust. Analysts in white lab coats say the dust is yielding clues about the nature of our solar system. Such as:
However, they still have no idea what to make of the dog hair or the couch lint attached to it.
-
And just one more…
CHEERS to mind-blowing perspective. May I have your attention for a few seconds...and by a few seconds I mean three hundred thousand years??? When the pandemic broke out I stumbled on the Slow Mo Guys and started binge-watching their videos. Their latest is mind-bendingly trippy and time-alter-y:
YouTube Video
Coincidentally, “1 second = 1 hour” is also what it feels like to a covidiot when their horse-deworming paste kicks in. Bless their hearts.
Have a happy humpday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
-
-
Continued...
I love water. A Super Soaker is a great way liven things up during a slow Bingo night down at the Elk's lodge.
I hate water. It reminds me that the Bush administration tortured prisoners in our name by waterboarding them, and no one will ever let us forget it. Goodbye, moral high ground. Nice knowin' ya.
Hurricane Ida, August 29.
I love water. I have yet to find a way of washing the car without it. I'd say the same thing about dishes, but we have a dog for that.
I hate water. Because it is a fickle bastard: "Around 5% to 6% water loss, one may become groggy or sleepy, experience headaches or nausea, and may feel tingling in one's limbs. With 10% to 15% fluid loss, muscles may become spastic, skin may shrivel and wrinkle, vision may dim, urination will be greatly reduced and may become painful, and delirium may begin. Losses of greater than 15% are usually fatal." And how was your day, dear?
I love water. Because it is amazing: "The unique qualities and properties of water are what make it so important and basic to life. The cells in our bodies are full of water. The excellent ability of water to dissolve so many substances allows our cells to use valuable nutrients, minerals, and chemicals in biological processes."
But today water is on my shit list. If you can spare a buck or two….
Many thanks. And now, our feature presentation...
-
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, September 1, 2021
Note: Due to circumstances beyond our control, the C&J pharmacy is no longer selling our new miracle Covid-19 cure known as—[Checks notes]—ingestible dynamite capsules. We have no further comment at this time. Please refer all inquiries to our attorney’s attorneys' attorneys. Have a nice day. —C&J Legal Dept.
-
By the Numbers:
17 days!!!
Days 'til fall: 21
Days 'til the Lakeville Art Festival in Minnesota 17
Percent of Americans polled by ABC News who believe our withdrawal from Afghanistan will and will not, respectively, make a difference in our safety from terrorism: 36%, 56%
Percent of Democrats and Republicans, respectively, polled by Quinnipiac University who think that the extreme weather events in the United States over the past few years are related to climate change: 91%, 25%
Rank of the strength of Hurricane Ida among all hurricanes that have struck the continental United States, according to preliminary data via NASA: #5
Amount of leaded gasoline still being produced in the world as of this year: 0
Number of premature deaths the end of leaded gas will prevent annually from heart disease, strokes and cancer, especially in children: 1 million
-
Mid-week Rapture Index: 178 (including 5 wild weather events and 1 prophetess who is very bad at stopping them). Soul Protection Factor 24 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
-
Puppy Pic of the Day: [Polite golf clap]
-
CHEERS to September. Hold on to your corsets and your straw hats, this month is busy busy, busy. A day after we pack away our whites on Labor Day, Congress straggles back to work for more infrastructure/budget reconciliation/voting rights sausage making while continuing their investigation of the January 6th Republican insurrection. Meanwhile, California residents will decide via a recall election on the 14th if they'd rather have a Trump clone at the helm to deal with the simultaneous catastrophes of pandemic and drought and wildfires and Bill Maher. It's also Hunger Action Month, Cat Month, Suicide Prevention Month, and Sewing Month.
California Democrats should absolutely bury this referendum under an avalanche of “NO” votes. But will they?
President Biden continues juggling all the messes on his plate with quiet competence. Kids go back to school, followed shortly after by many of the same kids un-going-back to school when the delta variant rears its head in the classrooms and hallways because too many adults didn't plan ahead and besides masks are tyranny. Speaking of tyranny, freedom-loving American patriots who know beyond all doubt that the vaccine contains microchips and George Soros DNA will continue dropping like flies because their preferred treatment for Covid remains livestock-deworming paste. (Now available in zesty citrus and cool mint flavors!)
The 9/11 terrorist attack that Bush could’ve prevented if he’d read his PDBs turns twenty—twenty! (Kids, ask your parents.) Shoppers jam online stores looking for the perfect Autumnal Equinox and Mexican Independence Day gifts. ("A pair of socks? You shouldn’t have.") New England gets insanely beautiful as summer turns to fall. A full harvest moon happens on the 20th, but not before a full Rosh Hashanah starts on the 6th and full Yom Kippur starts on the 15th. Cedric the Entertainer hosts the Emmys on the 21st (Game of Thrones is expected to win everything just out of habit). Oh, and this will be fun: this'll be our first September since 2001 when we haven’t been at war. But if you keep giving us side-eye like that, France, we’re comin’ for ya.
CHEERS to a wee bit of perspective. It's been 48 hours since the announcement that the last of our troops had left Kabul and our war in Afghanistan had come to an end. The armchair generals on cable news and social media are firing broadsides at each other over how we should feel about it—relieved, pissed, happy, sad, baby-tantrummy, etc. But just from a time perspective, David Leonhardt of The New York Times' morning email sums up just how long we spent over there futilely trying to build a nation where a nation just don't want to be built:
After the attack on Pearl Harbor in 1941, the United States and its allies needed less than four years to vanquish their fascist enemies. After the secession of Southern states in 1860 and 1861, the U.S. spent slightly more than four years defeating the rebellion. After the first battles at Lexington and Concord in 1775, the colonies took about eight years to beat the British and create a new nation.
President Biden speaking to the nation yesterday about the end of the latest war to end all wars. Will we ever learn?
The war in Afghanistan—which ended Monday, as the final U.S. troops left—lasted 19 years and 47weeks, dating to the first bombing of the Taliban on Oct. 7, 2001. It is America’s longest war, far longer than the country’s great victories and longer even than its previous protracted defeat in Vietnam or stalemate in Korea.
Across the span of American history, it’s hard to think of another failed project that lasted so long or cost so much.
Yeah. Other than the Republican party, I'm drawin' a blank.
-
BRIEF SANITY BREAK
-
BRIEF SANITY BREAK
-
-
END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
-
END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
-
JEERS to news that's hard to swallow. Question: where were you 154 years ago? You were nowhere, that's where. Hell, in 1867 Andrew Johnson was still president, Jesse James was robbing banks, Congress approved “a” Lincoln Memorial, and iPhones only cost a nickel. Here in Maine, the now-legendary B&M Baked Beans factory started cranking out their succulent pellets of molasses-swaddled goodness, and they've been a beloved institution on the Portland Waterfront ever since. Sadly, the iconic brick building that makes the magical fruit that makes you toot is getting the boot:
Gonna be awful quiet around these parts. Eerie quiet.
JEERS to the War to End All Wars to End All Wars. 82 years ago today, on September 1, 1939, Hitler invaded Poland and started World War II. The U.S. wouldn’t officially enter the fray for another two years, but when we did we kicked Fuhrer butt. Today we salute all our veterans who fought the real Axis of Evil...and also a special Luftwaffe vet who unwittingly helped shorten the war by months:
YouTube Video
-
Hey, I have an idea. Let's not do it again, shall we?
-
Ten years ago in C&J: September 1, 2011
CHEERS to the secret of the universe's success. How to give a scientist a spontaneous orgasm in one easy step: just walk up behind one and say, "Hey, wanna touch my asteroid dust?" Yes, indeed, a robotic thingy-doo crash landed in Australia last summer after successfully gathering two scoops of raisins samples of asteroid dust. Analysts in white lab coats say the dust is yielding clues about the nature of our solar system. Such as:
However, they still have no idea what to make of the dog hair or the couch lint attached to it.
-
And just one more…
CHEERS to mind-blowing perspective. May I have your attention for a few seconds...and by a few seconds I mean three hundred thousand years??? When the pandemic broke out I stumbled on the Slow Mo Guys and started binge-watching their videos. Their latest is mind-bendingly trippy and time-alter-y:
YouTube Video
-
Coincidentally, “1 second = 1 hour” is also what it feels like to a covidiot when their horse-deworming paste kicks in. Bless their hearts.
Have a happy humpday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
-
-