And Now...2021 In A Nutshell
I’m not opening it. If you want to open it, go right ahead. I’ll be downstairs drinking.
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, December 29, 2021
Note: C&J will post tomorrow morning as usual before heading out Friday to endure scorn and ridicule for wearing a tan suit without a flag pin on New Year's Eve, resulting in our spending the entire day Saturday in the basement sobbing over humanity's cruelty. But we'll return Monday morning both bright-eyed and bushy-tail, thanks to my success in finally drinking the right serum that turns me into a human-squirrel hybrid. If you won’t be here tomorrow, we pre-wish you a safe and happy New Year's weekend. —Manager, C&J Party Hats Division
-
By the Numbers:
Bird Walk in 10 days!!!
Days 'til Martin Luther King Jr. Day: 19
Days 'til the Early Birders Saturday Bird Walk at the Schlitz Audubon Nature Center in Milwaukee: 10
Increase in retail holiday sales versus pre-pandemic year 2019, the biggest gain since 2004: 11%
Section and page where The New York Times chose to print the above fantastic economic news: B4
New unemployment claims last week, unchanged from the previous week, still the lowest in 50-some years: 205,000
Covid hospitalizations per 100,000 people who are unvaccinated and vaccinated, respectively: 68 / 4
Years during which Guy Lombardo and his Royal Canadians performed Auld Lang Syne on New Year's Eve: 1939-1977
-
Mid-week Rapture Index: 185 (including 4 gogs and 1 omen of bad tidings for next Christmas). Soul Protection Factor 24 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
-
Puppy Pic of the Day: I got fifty bucks riding on the little guy…
-
CHEERS to a 2021 Obama victory lap. No doubt about it: this has been a tough year, not the least because, thanks to the unvaccinated twits who lurch among us, the pandemic is still here (now fortified with a full day's supply of omicron), nearly wiping out the equivalent of America's 17th-largest city San Francisco. But amidst all that, a bright light shines from the darkness, and it just happens to center around the #1 issue for Americans, namely health care. The Cliffs Notes version goes like this: Obamacare is not only still the law of the land (oh, how Trump wanted to kill it), but we have a president again who's treating it like the BFD it is. And that's translating into some impressive numbers:
The Biden administration Wednesday said “a historic high of more than 13.6 million people already enrolled in health insurance coverage for 2022 through the federal HealthCare.gov marketplace and state-based marketplaces." […]
Mission accomplished.
There’s also been an influx of competition to the marketplace that has impacted premiums. Companies like Centene, Cigna, Oscar Health and Blue Cross and Blue Shield plans that have long offered individual coverage under the ACA have expanded into new markets while some companies like UnitedHealth Group’s UnitedHealthcare and the Aetna unit of CVS Health have returned to markets they left a few years ago.
And the icing on the cake, which I'd almost forgotten: earlier this year, as we all held our breath, the Supreme Court dismissed that odious Texas ruling by a red-hatted cultist judge that would've dismantled the ACA entirely in the middle of a pandemic. So Obamacare lives to see another year. Ivermectin cocktails for everyone. And thanks to Joe’s work on the supply chain, they’ll all come with a little paper umbrella.
CHEERS to little pricks. Monday afternoon, spurs a' janglin', I ambled down to my doctor's office and entered the swinging doors into the lobby, where the receptionist and I exchanged cold stares.
"You look like trouble," she said. "Whaddya want in our establishment?"
"Booster shot, ma'am. In a dirty syringe."
With a derisive snort (versus the more utilitarian kind where you’re just tryin’ to dislodge a booger), the receptionist opened the tap and poured a cold one, then slid the syringe down to the registered nurse—the one with the eyepatch—waiting at the end of the bar. I was instructed to take off my leather Hell's Angels jacket and roll up the sleeve of my chiffon nightie. Before I could ask what a classy dame like her was doing in a joint like this, several cc's of sweet, sweet booster serum were coursing through my muscle tissue. I collapsed amid a swirling, kaleidoscopic series of visions that sent my mind to place I’d never…
"Get up, dummy," said the nurse. “It's a vaccine, not a hallucinogenic."
She slapped a Band-Aid on my arm and, at my request, scrawled BADASS on it with a Sharpie.
"Ma'am," I said, "Under different circumstances you and I might've made beautiful ukulele music while drinking cactus juice under the stars." Then, tipping my hardhat (a gift from our neighbor, the Sultan), and exiting through the swinging doors, I made my way back home to start a new life stringin' telephone lines up to Adirondack County, wherever that is.
My right arm's still sore. Which is weird because I got the jab in my left. But that's a story for another day.
CHEERS to changing times. On today’s date in 1852, Emma Snodgrass was arrested in Boston for wearing pants. Today she'd be arrested for not wearing them. Discuss.
-
BRIEF SANITY BREAK
-
BRIEF SANITY BREAK
-
-
END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
-
END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
-
CHEERS to new neighbors. The secret's getting out: Maine is the most beautiful and amazing plot of land on God's green earth. (Look it up!) We have the best ocean, the best mountains, the best chowder, the best L.L. Bean world headquarters, the best lighthouses, the best earmuffs, the best escape tunnels to Canada...I could go on all day. And thanks to the pandemic, more and more people of the liberal variety are leaving their hellholes behind and settling in to the good life here in the Pine Tree State (which I forgot to mention—we have the best pine trees, too):
Maine saw more migration during the COVID-19pandemic than almost all other states during the COVID-19 pandemic, leading to the greatest population growth here in nearly two decades. […]
And the lobster bisque is...[chef’s kiss].
The state’s population increased to just more than1,372,000 as of July 2021, according to data from the U.S. Census Bureau, an increase of nearly 10,000 compared with a year prior. […]
As a share of population, only six states—Idaho, Montana, Arizona, South Carolina, Delaware and Florida—attracted more new residents.
Over the summer I spoke with many of the newbies "from away" as they stopped to get bagels from the corner café three doors down, regaling them with stories of the sea, fun facts about Maine and, most important, our state motto: "You can't park on that side of the fucking street can't you see the sign that you're parked right under that says you can’t park there???" To one and all: Welcome.
CHEERS to the sane people in Texas. America's 28th State—sorry, I won’t call all y'alls a republic because your heads are big enough as it is—celebrates its 160th birthday today. Yeah, we remember the Alamo...and also that every governor elected by you since Ann Richards has been all hat and no cattle. On the other hand, you're the stomping grounds of Molly Ivins, LBJ, Jim Hightower, Beto O'Rourke and them gol'durn Castro brothers, and even Dwight Eisenhower spent his first two years on earth there. In the breakfast crock pot this morning: Armadillo stew. But not real armadillos. We only serve tofudillos.
-
15 years ago in C&J: December 29, 2006
CHEERS to Gerald Ford. The longest-living U.S. president, who brought a little sanity back to the White House after Nixon resigned (but jeers for the pardon and launching the political careers of Donald Rumsfeld and Dick Cheney), has died at 93. Suddenly all the residents of Heaven who live next to a golf course fairway are very nervous.
-
And just one more…
CHEERS to a day well planned. This morning after I enjoy my limited-edition Star Wars —The Book of Boba Fett orange juice from my limited-edition Star Wars —The Book of Boba Fett collectible sippy cup with my limited-edition Star Wars —The Book of Boba Fett cage-free eggs and limited-edition Star Wars —The Book of Boba Fett smoked sausage (the limited-edition Star Wars —The Book of Boba Fett links, not the heartburn-inducing limited-edition Star Wars —The Book of Boba Fett patties), I'll reach for my limited-edition Star Wars —The Book of Boba Fett laptop mouse and carefully placed it over the limited-edition Star Wars —The Book of Boba Fett Disney+ link. Then I’ll curl up on the couch in my limited-edition Star Wars —The Book of Boba Fett Snuggie and and start watching...oh, shoot, what’s the name of the series again??? Oh yeah...
Porg: The Movie. (I think.)
But first: time to pop a limited-edition Star Wars —The Book of Boba Fett nitroglycerin tablet under my tongue so, in my excitement, I won’t need a ride in a limited-edition Star Wars —The Book of Boba Fett ambulance to the limited-edition Star Wars —The Book of Boba Fett cardiac ward.
Have a happy humpday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
-
-