The famous saying may go “it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all”, but clearly poet Alfred Lord Tennyson had never been in a situationship.
Yup, a situationship, defined as “a romantic or sexual relationship that is not considered to be formal or established” can be absolute brutal when it comes to an end, but why?
Fortunately dating and relationship coach Sabrina Bendory has come to the rescue on TikTok to explain why it hurts so damn much and how to bounce back with your self-esteem still in tact.
“Getting out of a situationship can sometimes be harder than getting over a long term relationship because it’s the death of potential,” the pro explained to her 145k followers.
“Potential always looks so much prettier than reality and it also gives this added level of pain that [the other person in the situationship] didn’t even want to give it a real shot to see what was there.”
Sound familiar? You’re certainly not alone. But before you send that huge ranting text to the other person, Bendory has some steps to follow in order to move on with your head held high (even though everything hurts like hell).
1. Accept that they weren’t your person
It sounds cliched but Bendory really talks sense - the right person will want to be with you.
“You didn’t do anything wrong here, there just wasn’t enough in the first place and that’s not a loss – not everyone’s a match and that’s okay,” she urges.
2. Be kind to yourself
Yup, it’s really easy to start being hard on yourself and think you’re being OTT by being hurt but honestly, you’re only making things harder for yourself - you’re allowed to be sad.
Bendory explains: “I know you feel stupid for being so sad that it’s over, but your hurt is valid - this was a loss and loss is painful.
“You felt excited about something and then disappointed when it didn’t come to be - who wouldn’t be disappointed by that?”
And before you start blaming yourself for the end of the situationship, put the brakes on.
“It’s not what happens to us but the stories we tell ourselves about what happened that determines whether we suffer or whether we grow - if you say to yourself ‘well he left me because I’m not good enough’ then that will become wired in and that becomes part of your story,” she adds.
By repeating these thoughts and making it a part of your story, you’ll carry this narrative straight into your next relationship, Bendory warns, so rather than be mean to yourself, you can assert over and over that it didn’t work out because the person wasn’t right for you.
3. Ask yourself ‘what did I learn here?’
As painful as disappointment is, every time you’re faced with it, you’re given a chance to pause and reflect on what you’ve learnt.
“You felt an intense pull to the other person – but why? What did they represent to you, what needs did they fulfil?” asks Bendory.
“When we feel this intense magnetic pull towards someone else, it’s usually more than us than it is about the other person.”
Oooof – hard truths much?
4. Fill your life up
If you’re guilty of obsessively thinking about the other person now that the situationship has drawn to a close - that’s okay, but it’s time to help yourself.
Bendory explains: “Obsession grows in vacant space – if you keep obsessing over what went wrong, then you need to stop, you will just keep driving yourself crazy.
“You didn’t do anything wrong, there just wasn’t enough there to sustain a relationship. Instead of dwelling redirect your focus onto something else, think about something you’re excited about or something that brings you joy.”
Post-situationship self deprecation? We don’t know her.
