Okay, to be fair, I watched more of Mike Lindell’s goofy cyber symposium than I care to admit. And I may have hidden the full extent of my pathological obsession from my wife. And my therapist. And my dogs, for that matter. But, you know, I wasn’t literally banned from watching it.
Capitol rioter Douglas Jensen was banned, however. In fact, as a condition of his release from jail following his part in Donald Trump’s Jan. 6 Bumblefuck Putsch, he was prohibited from using the internet at all. No cat videos. No Candy Crush. No Garfield Minus Garfield. No Stormfront Sudoku puzzles. Jensen was pretty much limited to Hitler Week on the History Channel (yes, I know; that’s every week), and old, dog-eared William F. Buckley columns about the looming dangers of decoupling the dollar from the gold standard.
So maybe you can see why he couldn’t resist. I mean, having no access to the internet in this day and age is almost as barbaric as trying to overthrow the legitimate government of your own country. Which, to be clear, Jensen also (allegedly) did.
Buzzfeed:
Imagine going back to jail because you couldn’t keep yourself away from the rhapsodic shrieking mustache that is Mike Lindell. Right about now, Manson Family murderer Squeaky Fromme is reading this thinking, “Jesus Lingonberry Christ, what a nut!”
Jensen was also an admitted QAnon follower—at least before his lawyer told the court that “he feels deceived, recognizing that he bought into a pack of lies.” Of course, that could either mean he put too much stock in conspiracy theories or purchased pillows, mattress toppers, and Bible-verse pillowcases for 50% off using the promo code Audit45. Or both. Who really knows?
Now authorities are questioning whether he ever really quit Q at all. As Assistant U.S. Attorney Hava Mirell wrote, “Jensen’s swift violation confirms what the Government and this Court suspected all along: that Jensen’s alleged disavowal of QAnon was just an act; that his alleged epiphany inside the D.C. Jail was merely self-advocacy; and that, at the end of the day, Jensen will not abandon the misguided theories and beliefs that led him to menacingly chase U.S. Capitol Police Officer Eugene Goodman up the Senate staircase on January 6, 2021.”
Gee, ya think?
Of course, it’s tough to deprogram people and reintroduce them to the wild when there are so many agitators out there—such as Lindell, Steve Bannon, and the ocher abomination himself—feeding their delusions.
That may be a flimsy excuse, but the truth is, people like Jensen—and that big, avuncular wad of derp Lindell—are mere symptoms. The tumor is still growing unchecked in Mar-a-Lago and Bedminster. That said, the more of his wayward minions we can put in stir, the better.
It made comedian Sarah Silverman say, “THIS IS FUCKING BRILLIANT,” and prompted author Stephen King to shout “Pulitzer Prize!!!” (on Twitter, that is). What is it? The viral letter that launched four hilarious Trump-trolling books. Get them all, including the finale, Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, at this link. Just $12.96 for the pack of 4! Or, if you prefer a test drive, you can download the epilogue to Goodbye, Asshat for the low, low price of FREE.
Capitol rioter Douglas Jensen was banned, however. In fact, as a condition of his release from jail following his part in Donald Trump’s Jan. 6 Bumblefuck Putsch, he was prohibited from using the internet at all. No cat videos. No Candy Crush. No Garfield Minus Garfield. No Stormfront Sudoku puzzles. Jensen was pretty much limited to Hitler Week on the History Channel (yes, I know; that’s every week), and old, dog-eared William F. Buckley columns about the looming dangers of decoupling the dollar from the gold standard.
So maybe you can see why he couldn’t resist. I mean, having no access to the internet in this day and age is almost as barbaric as trying to overthrow the legitimate government of your own country. Which, to be clear, Jensen also (allegedly) did.
Buzzfeed:
Imagine going back to jail because you couldn’t keep yourself away from the rhapsodic shrieking mustache that is Mike Lindell. Right about now, Manson Family murderer Squeaky Fromme is reading this thinking, “Jesus Lingonberry Christ, what a nut!”
Jensen was also an admitted QAnon follower—at least before his lawyer told the court that “he feels deceived, recognizing that he bought into a pack of lies.” Of course, that could either mean he put too much stock in conspiracy theories or purchased pillows, mattress toppers, and Bible-verse pillowcases for 50% off using the promo code Audit45. Or both. Who really knows?
Now authorities are questioning whether he ever really quit Q at all. As Assistant U.S. Attorney Hava Mirell wrote, “Jensen’s swift violation confirms what the Government and this Court suspected all along: that Jensen’s alleged disavowal of QAnon was just an act; that his alleged epiphany inside the D.C. Jail was merely self-advocacy; and that, at the end of the day, Jensen will not abandon the misguided theories and beliefs that led him to menacingly chase U.S. Capitol Police Officer Eugene Goodman up the Senate staircase on January 6, 2021.”
Gee, ya think?
Of course, it’s tough to deprogram people and reintroduce them to the wild when there are so many agitators out there—such as Lindell, Steve Bannon, and the ocher abomination himself—feeding their delusions.
That may be a flimsy excuse, but the truth is, people like Jensen—and that big, avuncular wad of derp Lindell—are mere symptoms. The tumor is still growing unchecked in Mar-a-Lago and Bedminster. That said, the more of his wayward minions we can put in stir, the better.
It made comedian Sarah Silverman say, “THIS IS FUCKING BRILLIANT,” and prompted author Stephen King to shout “Pulitzer Prize!!!” (on Twitter, that is). What is it? The viral letter that launched four hilarious Trump-trolling books. Get them all, including the finale, Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, at this link. Just $12.96 for the pack of 4! Or, if you prefer a test drive, you can download the epilogue to Goodbye, Asshat for the low, low price of FREE.