Ever since the COVID-19 vaccines were rolled out, disingenuous pundits have been using the Vaccine Adverse Event Reporting System (VAERS), which is hosted by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), to “prove” that the vaccines are deadly. But in reality, VAERS is just a collection of raw reports from people who’ve been vaccinated.
A death reported on VAERS could be caused by just about anything, and is proof of exactly nothing. The CDC explicitly notes this on its website, but the willfully benighted prefer to think the vaccine that’s saving hundreds of thousands of lives is actually costing thousands. Even Georgia Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene just got suspended from Twitter for “misunderstanding” the data in the VAERS database, but if the CDC is actually engaged in a sinister cover-up involving the safety of these vaccines, would it really post a public database of “vaccine-caused” deaths?
Anti-vaxxers continue to drop like unvaccinated people (I’d say “flies,” but that’s brutally unfair to our dipteran brethren, who may coast blithely into bug zappers but almost never write self-righteous Facebook posts about it). Rather than get the shot, this high-risk population desperately looks for examples of people whose lives were ruined or, better yet, ended, because of the vax—including recently departed national treasure Betty White.
This was all pretty exasperating even before they brought St. Olaf’s Woman of the Year into it. Then it became fucking infuriating. Do not blaspheme the great Betty White, you slobbering cockwombles. Now it’s personal.
According to the unruly horde of crowdsourcing conspiracy theorists Borgin’ their way across the internets, Betty White died because she got a COVID-19 booster shot. Because a 99-year-old woman dying in her sleep is always pretty suspicious; perhaps one of her cats has Munchausen syndrome by proxy.
The Dispatch:
No evidence of foul play? You mean George Soros and Dr. Anthony Fauci weren't draining White’s blood to feed their surging army of genetically modified, nanobot-enhanced COVID-19 bats?
Ah, but the Betty White conspiracy theory is nothing compared to this hearty pre-Christmas slice of fruitcake. Los Angeles Chargers tight end Donald Parham Jr. suffered a concussion in a recent game, which is a shame; of course we all send our thoughts and ineffectual prayers for his recovery, which, in Parham’s words, does seem to be coming along.
But one thing I certainly won’t be praying for is for Parham’s heart to un-explode.
Reuters:
Granted, the hit looked bad—really bad—but it didn’t look “exploding heart” bad.
And is “exploding heart” even listed on the VAERS database as a COVID-19 vaccine side effect? Let’s tidy up our conspiracy theories now, shall we?
I’ve seen preliminary reports and speculation that the omicron variant could end this pandemic, or at least drive it to a new, endemic phase. That would be fantastic, but it’s far too early to declare any kind of victory given the butcher’s bill that still arrives at our doorstep daily.
In the meantime, the vaccine remains our greatest hope. Even as the highly transmissible omicron variant spreads among the vaccinated, it’s mostly protecting them from serious outcomes. Nothing as serious as an exploding heart, of course, but those shots are keeping people out of the ICU and the boneyard.
So, please, anti-vaxxers: Keep Betty White (and injured football players) out of your gruesome death fantasies. It’s really the only decent thing to do.
It made comedian Sarah Silverman say, “THIS IS FUCKING BRILLIANT,” and prompted author Stephen King to shout “Pulitzer Prize!!!” (on Twitter, that is). What is it? The viral letter that launched four hilarious Trump-trolling books. Get them all, including the finale, Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, at this link. Or, if you prefer a test drive, you can download the epilogue to Goodbye, Asshat for the low, low price of FREE.
A death reported on VAERS could be caused by just about anything, and is proof of exactly nothing. The CDC explicitly notes this on its website, but the willfully benighted prefer to think the vaccine that’s saving hundreds of thousands of lives is actually costing thousands. Even Georgia Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene just got suspended from Twitter for “misunderstanding” the data in the VAERS database, but if the CDC is actually engaged in a sinister cover-up involving the safety of these vaccines, would it really post a public database of “vaccine-caused” deaths?
Anti-vaxxers continue to drop like unvaccinated people (I’d say “flies,” but that’s brutally unfair to our dipteran brethren, who may coast blithely into bug zappers but almost never write self-righteous Facebook posts about it). Rather than get the shot, this high-risk population desperately looks for examples of people whose lives were ruined or, better yet, ended, because of the vax—including recently departed national treasure Betty White.
This was all pretty exasperating even before they brought St. Olaf’s Woman of the Year into it. Then it became fucking infuriating. Do not blaspheme the great Betty White, you slobbering cockwombles. Now it’s personal.
According to the unruly horde of crowdsourcing conspiracy theorists Borgin’ their way across the internets, Betty White died because she got a COVID-19 booster shot. Because a 99-year-old woman dying in her sleep is always pretty suspicious; perhaps one of her cats has Munchausen syndrome by proxy.
The Dispatch:
No evidence of foul play? You mean George Soros and Dr. Anthony Fauci weren't draining White’s blood to feed their surging army of genetically modified, nanobot-enhanced COVID-19 bats?
Ah, but the Betty White conspiracy theory is nothing compared to this hearty pre-Christmas slice of fruitcake. Los Angeles Chargers tight end Donald Parham Jr. suffered a concussion in a recent game, which is a shame; of course we all send our thoughts and ineffectual prayers for his recovery, which, in Parham’s words, does seem to be coming along.
But one thing I certainly won’t be praying for is for Parham’s heart to un-explode.
Reuters:
Granted, the hit looked bad—really bad—but it didn’t look “exploding heart” bad.
And is “exploding heart” even listed on the VAERS database as a COVID-19 vaccine side effect? Let’s tidy up our conspiracy theories now, shall we?
I’ve seen preliminary reports and speculation that the omicron variant could end this pandemic, or at least drive it to a new, endemic phase. That would be fantastic, but it’s far too early to declare any kind of victory given the butcher’s bill that still arrives at our doorstep daily.
In the meantime, the vaccine remains our greatest hope. Even as the highly transmissible omicron variant spreads among the vaccinated, it’s mostly protecting them from serious outcomes. Nothing as serious as an exploding heart, of course, but those shots are keeping people out of the ICU and the boneyard.
So, please, anti-vaxxers: Keep Betty White (and injured football players) out of your gruesome death fantasies. It’s really the only decent thing to do.
It made comedian Sarah Silverman say, “THIS IS FUCKING BRILLIANT,” and prompted author Stephen King to shout “Pulitzer Prize!!!” (on Twitter, that is). What is it? The viral letter that launched four hilarious Trump-trolling books. Get them all, including the finale, Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, at this link. Or, if you prefer a test drive, you can download the epilogue to Goodbye, Asshat for the low, low price of FREE.