Mike Lindell—whom God created in a garden in Eden Prairie out of a McRib He took from Donald Trump’s lunch—is back in the news, just a little more than a week after the FBI ambushed him in a Hardee’s drive-thru and “stoled” his phone.
He wants that phone back, you see—and he’s citing reasons: 1) He really wants that phone back, 2) his sprawling, multimillion-dollar business empire is run entirely from that phone, and without it, he’s little more than a knockwurst-redolent ball of kinetic energy and Sam’s Club mustache pomade, 3) no fair! 4) Constitution-something, 5) seriously guys, I need that phone. Give it back, already. Come on!
That’s not a verbatim transcript of his latest bonkers lawsuit, but it’s pretty close.
RELATED: By refusing to respect election results, GOP candidates show why no one should ever vote for them
Reuters:
So what did Lindell think would happen with his five businesses—including his giant pillow concern—if he’d lost his phone in addition to his mind? Granted, he’s not the most tech-savvy man on the planet—he appears to be somewhere on the learning curve between successfully scheduling faxes and discovering that you can spell “BOOBS” if you turn your calculator upside-down—but you’d think, given the sheer size of his companies, that he might have had a contingency plan for running his financial affairs in the event he lost or wrecked his phone, like just about everyone else in America.
Meanwhile, Lindell is claiming that the seizure of his phone—conducted via a duly obtained FBI warrant—somehow violated his constitutional rights.
CBS News:
In case you’re really interested in what this phone seizure was all about, you can find far more details here. In short, it involves the apparently illegal breach of electronic voting machines in Mesa County, Colorado—machines that Lindell is convinced are the devil!
RELATED: Voters prefer Democratic messaging, view Republicans as bigger threat to democracy
Unfortunately, this latest suit is off to a wobbly start, considering that Mike Lindell filed it, not all of his lawyers are members of the court’s bar, and Martha’s Vineyard pariah and ex-lucid person Alan Dershowitz is onboard.
Meanwhile, sharp legal minds like Liz Dye from Above the Law are already making fun of it.
Of course, if Lindell’s suit is slapped away—which it likely will be, given the FBI’s due diligence—it would only extend his legal losing streak. On Monday, a judge refused to toss voting machine company Smartmatic’s defamation lawsuit against Lindell for saying its machines helped Joe Biden steal the election from McSloven.
POLITICO:
Whoops. That can’t be good.
RELATED: The Big Lie(s): Election denialism spreading on social media poses threat to democracy
One has to wonder how Lindell sleeps at night, particularly on those shitty pillows. His life is crumbling around his ears, and yet he appears to think Jesus and Alan Dershowitz will come through for him in the end.
Indeed, at this point, his only escape from the long arm of the law may be the Rapture.
YouTube Video
Keep the faith, Mike, and God just might rapture you home, too! He may even let you take your phone with you, and he’ll definitely let you finish your delicious Hardee’s breakfast biscuits.
I hear they’re heavenly, after all.
Every day, Daily Kos fights the Big Lie and the GOP’s greater war on democracy, but we don’t have pillow tycoons paying our bills. Instead, half our revenue comes from readers like you—meaning we literally couldn't do this work without you. Can you chip in $3 or more today?
Check out Aldous J. Pennyfarthing’s four-volume Trump-trashing compendium, including the finale, Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, at this link. Or, if you prefer a test drive, you can download the epilogue to Goodbye, Asshat for the low, low price of FREE.
Thursday, Sep 22, 2022 · 8:25:23 PM +00:00 · Jessica Sutherland
Thursday afternoon, Trump-appointed U.S. District Judge Eric Tostrud slapped down Lindell’s demand to be reunited with his beloved iPhone.
In addition to pointing out some very bad lawyering by Dershowitz and pals, Tostrud cited Wednesday evening’s decision from the 11th Circuit against Lindell messiah Donald Trump.
In his five-page ruling, Tostrud also noted that Lindell’s legal team, including Dersh—who also published a turd of an opinion piece Thursday, defending his choice to represent the Pillow Man—has yet to serve the U.S. government with their complaint.
He wants that phone back, you see—and he’s citing reasons: 1) He really wants that phone back, 2) his sprawling, multimillion-dollar business empire is run entirely from that phone, and without it, he’s little more than a knockwurst-redolent ball of kinetic energy and Sam’s Club mustache pomade, 3) no fair! 4) Constitution-something, 5) seriously guys, I need that phone. Give it back, already. Come on!
That’s not a verbatim transcript of his latest bonkers lawsuit, but it’s pretty close.
RELATED: By refusing to respect election results, GOP candidates show why no one should ever vote for them
Reuters:
So what did Lindell think would happen with his five businesses—including his giant pillow concern—if he’d lost his phone in addition to his mind? Granted, he’s not the most tech-savvy man on the planet—he appears to be somewhere on the learning curve between successfully scheduling faxes and discovering that you can spell “BOOBS” if you turn your calculator upside-down—but you’d think, given the sheer size of his companies, that he might have had a contingency plan for running his financial affairs in the event he lost or wrecked his phone, like just about everyone else in America.
Meanwhile, Lindell is claiming that the seizure of his phone—conducted via a duly obtained FBI warrant—somehow violated his constitutional rights.
CBS News:
In case you’re really interested in what this phone seizure was all about, you can find far more details here. In short, it involves the apparently illegal breach of electronic voting machines in Mesa County, Colorado—machines that Lindell is convinced are the devil!
RELATED: Voters prefer Democratic messaging, view Republicans as bigger threat to democracy
Unfortunately, this latest suit is off to a wobbly start, considering that Mike Lindell filed it, not all of his lawyers are members of the court’s bar, and Martha’s Vineyard pariah and ex-lucid person Alan Dershowitz is onboard.
Meanwhile, sharp legal minds like Liz Dye from Above the Law are already making fun of it.
Of course, if Lindell’s suit is slapped away—which it likely will be, given the FBI’s due diligence—it would only extend his legal losing streak. On Monday, a judge refused to toss voting machine company Smartmatic’s defamation lawsuit against Lindell for saying its machines helped Joe Biden steal the election from McSloven.
POLITICO:
Whoops. That can’t be good.
RELATED: The Big Lie(s): Election denialism spreading on social media poses threat to democracy
One has to wonder how Lindell sleeps at night, particularly on those shitty pillows. His life is crumbling around his ears, and yet he appears to think Jesus and Alan Dershowitz will come through for him in the end.
Indeed, at this point, his only escape from the long arm of the law may be the Rapture.
YouTube Video
Keep the faith, Mike, and God just might rapture you home, too! He may even let you take your phone with you, and he’ll definitely let you finish your delicious Hardee’s breakfast biscuits.
I hear they’re heavenly, after all.
Every day, Daily Kos fights the Big Lie and the GOP’s greater war on democracy, but we don’t have pillow tycoons paying our bills. Instead, half our revenue comes from readers like you—meaning we literally couldn't do this work without you. Can you chip in $3 or more today?
Check out Aldous J. Pennyfarthing’s four-volume Trump-trashing compendium, including the finale, Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, at this link. Or, if you prefer a test drive, you can download the epilogue to Goodbye, Asshat for the low, low price of FREE.
Thursday, Sep 22, 2022 · 8:25:23 PM +00:00 · Jessica Sutherland
Thursday afternoon, Trump-appointed U.S. District Judge Eric Tostrud slapped down Lindell’s demand to be reunited with his beloved iPhone.
In addition to pointing out some very bad lawyering by Dershowitz and pals, Tostrud cited Wednesday evening’s decision from the 11th Circuit against Lindell messiah Donald Trump.
In his five-page ruling, Tostrud also noted that Lindell’s legal team, including Dersh—who also published a turd of an opinion piece Thursday, defending his choice to represent the Pillow Man—has yet to serve the U.S. government with their complaint.