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Men are more likely than women to avoid going to the doctor. And if you don’t believe us, just look at the many studies that show the majority of guys would choose to endure an illness rather than seek help.
So imagine the reluctance when the problem in question is to do with sex – a topic many already choose to keep behind closed doors.
This week’s reader, Alice, shared her dilemma.
“My husband refuses to see a doctor about about why he has a low libido,” she said. “How do I convince him I’m dying from lack of sex? He says he is going and never goes. I offered to go with him. He just works his stressful job and puts his all into that job. We have no sex life at all. It’s been a year.”
This is difficult as they’ve both acknowledged there’s a problem, but Alice feels like her husband doesn’t want to find a solution. So, what should she do?
What would you say to this reader?
“This isn’t a case of you vs your husband, but rather this is something you can be a team in and think about how you can solve this problem together,” Counselling Directory member and therapist Siobhan Butt tells Alice.
“Sex is as important to a relationship as eggs and flour are to a cake, it doesn’t just involve what happens in the bedroom, it’s how we listen to each other, how we respond to each other’s bids for affection, how we nurture the relationship and have fun with each other.”
Equally, Butt asks Alice what sex means to her, pointing out that sex doesn’t have to include penetration. “What else would bring you sexual pleasure that you and your husband can do together?” she asks.
What are some reasons we might experience low libido?
The reader has mentioned her husband having a stressful job and Butt says this is something to pay attention to. “I wonder how is your husband working through the stress and what does he need from you to help him?” she asks.
She goes on to explain that great communication leads to great sex, because this can lead to greater intimacy in the bedroom. “Another way to think of intimacy is ‘into-me-see’, when our partner sees us and we trust they are there for us, we are able to experience greater sexual pleasure.”
In other words, Butt encourages anyone facing this dilemma to be there for their partner, before critiquing them.
“Our imagination is probably the greatest sexual tool we have, we have the ability to turn ourselves on and turn ourselves off,” she adds. “If we are thinking about the work projects, the chores or feeling self conscious about our bodies, this is going to hold back our enjoyment from sex.”
How can the reader communicate how important her sexual needs are to her husband?
Butt wants Alice to remember that we can never change someone else and that she won’t be able to force her husband to go to the doctor or therapy, but she can change how she discusses this with him.
“This sounds like a really important issue for you, especially as you saying you are ‘dying from lack of sex,’” she says.
“I wonder if this is a way of you conveying how desperately you would like your needs to be met? How do you ask for your needs to be met in other areas of your relationship and does this meet a different response?
“I hear you want to support him by saying you will go to the doctor with him, but I wonder if for him he’s hearing something else? Have you thought about explaining using lots of ‘I’ statements about the importance of sex to you, how you feel about it? And be open to hear from him about what he needs also.”
Love Stuck is for those who’ve hit a romantic wall, whether you’re single or have been coupled up for decades. With the help of trained sex and relationship therapists, HuffPost UK will help answer your dilemmas. Submit a question here.
