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In a long-term relationship, you might start to feel like you’re doing everything with your partner. Concerts, parties, restaurants, trips, it can get to a point where you automatically bring your ‘other half’ everywhere.
Which is why some people in relationships try to regain their independence, like this week’s reader: Collin.
“I would like to travel with a friend of mine to Portugal for a surf trip without my wife,” Collin says. “She is having an issue with me going without her for various reasons. I am not sure how to navigate this issue in our 30-year marriage. We have not travelled independently much before.”
Collin doesn’t mention any issues with his wife, but he wants to have more solo experiences. Is this a problem?
Counselling Directory member Kim Lord doesn’t necessarily think so.
What would you say to this reader?
“Your decision to holiday without her may raise some insecurities in your wife, which she may not feel able to voice,” Lord says.
“This is not to suggest that your decision is wrong, or in some way harmful to her, but taking the time to gain some insight into why she has an issue would be helpful to you both.”
Lord adds that Collin has mentioned that he hasn’t done much independent travelling before, so after 30 years of marriage, a desire to travel without her may come as a surprise to his wife.
“Whilst we may like to believe that our partner will happily accept all our wishes with support and understanding, our actions can sometimes impact upon our partners’ feelings in a way we may not expect,” Lord adds.
“Your wife may feel a sense of rejection if you have always holidayed with her in the past, but this time have chosen to take a friend.”
Why might his wife have an issue with him travelling without her?
Counselling Directory member Georgina Smithasks Collin if there’s been a breach of trust, have the couple had to navigate infidelity? “If so, then it would be a big ask to request solo travel, depending on the circumstances and the couple’s timeline of difficulty,” Smith adds.
“Even if lack of trust is not an obvious issue, I would be encouraging the husband to explore those ‘various reasons’ with her and discuss together how he may provide reassurance around her insecure feelings around this trip.”
Counselling Directory member Victoria Jeffries believes that Collin’s wife is feeling insecure at the idea of him leaving her. “It could be she views this as some form of abandonment.”
“I would hazard a guess that this runs deeper with your wife; it may be that at some point in her life (most likely her childhood) she felt excluded or abandoned by those she loved, and therefore you taking a trip without her is triggering those feelings for her,” Jeffries adds.
“This may seem far-fetched (and possibly even unfair on her part), however it is not uncommon for painful feelings from the past to suddenly arise from seemingly ordinary circumstances such as a spouse simply wanting to take a surfing trip with a friend.”
What practical tips would you give this reader?
Smith encourages Collin’s wife to communicate all of her concerns and fears around this solo trip. ″Communicate and compromise on ‘ground rules’ - how often will the couple talk while he is away, what is acceptable behaviour like staying out til late and around the opposite sex for example,” Smith adds.
She also suggests making plans for another trip as a couple might help, so Collin can avoid the sense that his wife is ‘missing out’ and have a chance to reconnect. “Using empathy and good listening skills is key - try to understand the feelings behind her words. Having an issue with the trip will be about her feelings of discomfort, not just to be difficult.”
Jeffies also emphasises talking to his wife and exploring her concerns. “It may also be a good idea to explain why this trip is important to you (presuming it is),” she says. “It could be that your wife isn’t fully taking into consideration what this means for you.”
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