Meyers: Let's see here. Joe Biden dropped out of the presidential race. Oh, wow! He endorsed Vice President Kamala Harris. Cool, cool. Harris secured enough delegates to become the Democratic nominee.
Biden got Covid. Trump claimed Biden never had Covid, and it was just a ruse to drop out of the race. Republicans complain that Harris tried to ban plastic straws and called her a DEI hire. Trump called her “Laughing Kamala,” then “Lying Kamala,” then “Kamabla.”
Republicans called her the “border czar” even though she wasn't, and that's not a thing.
Trump said he might bomb Mexico.
JD Vance became the first VP in decades to have a net negative favorability rating after he called Democrats “childless cat ladies.” Got slammed by Jennifer Aniston, and was accused of fucking a couch—WHICH HE DID NOT DO. Apparently, it was just “hand stuff.”
Vance said Democrats would call him racist for drinking Diet Mountain Dew. Vance wrote the foreword to a book by the Project 2025 guy, while claiming he had nothing to do with
Project 2025.
Tim Walz called Republicans “weird” and said It's “Brat Summer.” Trump responded by calling Hannibal Lecter a “lovely man.”
Ted Cruz said Kamala can't have his cheeseburgers.
Trump told Christians they won't have to vote anymore if he wins.
[To stage hand holding cue cards] Wally, how many more cards are there?
Wally: We’re still in July.
Meyers: Fuck me! 190,000 people joined the “White Dudes for Kamala” online event that raised over $4 million dollars. We found out Colin Jost is too fragile to be outdoors. A Fox News host said voting for a woman turns you into a woman.
“Closer Look” writer Sal Gentile threw out the first pitch at a Mets game, which isn't newsworthy and shouldn't be in here.
Trump had a humiliating meltdown at the National Association of Black Journalists, where he attacked the moderator, got laughed at by the audience, and claimed, among other things, that Harris happened to turn Black, which is both racist and insane.
Trump said VP candidates don't matter after everyone made fun of his VP candidate.
Congratulated Vladimir Putin on a prisoner swap that secured the release of American hostages.
The Washington Post reported that Trump was investigated for allegedly taking $10 million from Egypt until it was shut down by his attorney general. Harris picked Walz as her running mate. Walz joked about Vance fucking a couch—WHICH HE DID NOT DO, everything was
over cushion. Republicans called Walz “Tampon Tim,” tried to swift boat him with lies about his service record, and said he was the “Bernie Sanders of Congress,” even though there is already a Bernie Sanders in Congress famously named Bernie Sanders.
Vance held a rally where the stage was so shoddy it looked like he was campaigning for Kamala.
Trump held a deranged press conference, where he invented a new theme park called Transgender World and claimed his crowd on January 6th was bigger than Martin Luther King's “I Have a Dream” speech. He told a story about being in a helicopter that almost crashed, with former San Francisco mayor Willie Brown.
Then, Brown said that never happened. Then, it turned out Trump is confusing Brown with someone else.
The Trump campaign got hacked.
Harris overtook Trump at the polls.
The New York Times called it the worst three weeks of Trump's campaign. Trump slinked back to Twitter for an interview with Elon Musk. He descended further into madness by claiming Kamala's crowd in Detroit was AI, and that the people at the rally didn't actually exist.
