Welcome to Sunday Four-Play! It’s the 19th Sunday of ordinary time, but that’s not important right now. Let’s dive right in, shall we?
To be fair, the chance that former New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie becomes the next Republican presidential nominee is about the same as Jesus returning to Earth after 2,000 years to see if anyone’s invented Hot Pockets. Then again, stranger things have happened. Like Donald Trump becoming president—which lies somewhere on the “strange” continuum between quantum entanglement and accidentally finding out your dad is Carrot Top.
That said, Christie is the only Republican candidate who’s actually running for president this cycle. Donald Trump is running to stay out of prison, and the rest of these Lilliputians appear to be running for the privilege of becoming Trump’s next VP. But first they need to show their mettle by getting their numbers up and proving they can hang with ... erm, for him.
But, while Christie Supine and the Pretenders may be miles behind the feral frontrunner right now, America’s political landscape can shifts seismically with little warning. Who knows? Maybe a federal judge will confirm Trump is a rapist. Or maybe he’ll be caught red-handed stealing highly sensitive government secrets, and later be indicted for it. Or maybe everyone will find out he tried to steal a free and fair election just to assuage his own ego. Can you even imagine? He’d be sunk. America would never stand for it. People would be throwing wet garbage at him in the streets. They’d shave his head and force him to wear sackcloth wherever he goes. Eventually he’d be sucked up a chocolate tube, never to be heard from again.
Yeah, yeah, I know. A man can dream, though, can’t he?
What do you say? Let’s get started!
Christie gets the top spot this week because, as noted, he’s the only Republican who’s actually running for president in 2024. Or running to do the job, anyway. Trump is running, but mostly because he wants to stay out of jail and likes the way his Diet Coke button looks on the Resolute Desk. Sure, some of Trump’s other opponents are taking little swipes at him here and there, but Christie is the only one talking about Trump the way he needs to be talked about.
Sunday was no different. Christie appeared on ABC’s “This Week” and was saying simply outrageous things!
Wait, what? What is this guy saying? It’s a bad thing if your party’s presidential nominee faces dozens of felony counts in multiple jurisdictions? Whoa. I like this guy. He comes right out and says all the stuff I’m too afraid to say! So courageous. He’s running against another candidate for high office and using that candidate’s glaring vulnerabilities against him! That may be a first in politics. What a brilliant stroke. This guy is going places.
Seriously, though, Trump’s indictments are starting to look like that scene in “Back to the Future” where Biff Tannen and his pals get smothered in manure. What are the rest of these jabronis waiting for?
And it’s interesting to see in the “This Week” chyron that Trump won’t sign a pre-debate pledge to back the eventual GOP nominee. Wait, did I say interesting? I meant blatantly obvious.
Then again, it would really be something to see Trump and Christie debate, wouldn’t it? It would be like watching a knife fight between two preternaturally clammy howler monkeys. It would be like watching sex between Bill O’Reilly and an 8-foot-tall falafel golem. It would look like the first three paragraphs of a Kari Lake Penthouse Forum letter. Or like a constipated labradoodle barking show tunes at his rectum. It would look like the IMAX premiere of Mitch McConnell’s colonoscopy video.
In other words, it would be a huuuuuuge spectacle. And just as monumentally gross. Can you imagine these two oily fucks going at it? The air between them would be flammable.
And now for something completely different. Mike Pence!
He’s trying to run on Trump’s record while at the same time attempting to distance himself from Trump. It’s quite a high-wire act … in that he must be high if he thinks he can pull it off. But that won’t stop him from trying!
Here he is attempting to finesse a question about the former president and the horde of MAGA toadies who literally tried to murder him. Is he a MAGA Republican, “Meet the Press”’ Chuck Todd asks? Well, we just don’t know, now, do we?
Before the pandemic? Yeah, thanks for clarifying, Caspar the Friendly Milquetoast. Unfortunately, that’s a little like saying the Hindenburg’s farewell flight was the best zeppelin ride ever until, well, you know. And while President Obama’s economic recovery—which began its ascent from the giant, smoldering financial crater George W. Bush left us in—was indeed slow at times (thanks, again, to Republicans), it was creating jobs at a significantly faster clip in its final three years than Trump’s economy added in its first three. Which means that, by one important measure at least, the pre-pandemic economy was more sluggish under Trump than it was under Obama.
So it’s unclear who exactly is going to vote for Pence (who, by the way, is running for president, in case you hadn’t noticed). His only natural constituency appears to be 4-week-old fetuses who want to live in a Mike Pence-led christo-fascist theocracy. And that’s an extremely narrow demographic.
Oh, lordy. Marsha Blackburn is talking again. And like most of her GOP colleagues, she’s big mad that Attorney General Merrick Garland appointed a special prosecutor to look into the business affairs of private citizen Hunter Biden, who is evidently the only alleged criminal Republicans care about these days.
The esteemed senator from Tennessee shared her worthless opinions on Fox’s “Sunday Morning Futures” in what the network dubbed an “exclusive.” Which simply means no one else on the planet wants to talk to her.
David Weiss? You mean the Trump-appointed U.S. attorney who started investigating Hunter Biden in 2019 during the—erm—Trump administration? And whom Attorney General Merrick Garland allowed to stay on the job to complete his work? That guy?
Something tells me Blackburn and the rest of the GOP bullshit brigade aren’t being entirely honest.
Good guys! We’ve got good guys, too! My life isn’t just a nonstop cavalcade of snark. I have a soul, you know—corroded though it may be.
Rep. Jamie Raskin appeared on ABC “This Week” with Jonathan Karl to lend some perspective on the whole Hunter Biden thing.
Yes, he could never be guilty of anything. Certainly not bad taste ...
Oh, poor, poor Ivana. That’s revenge for giving birth to Eric, isn’t it?
But wait, there’s more!
Have a great one! See you next week.
Check out Aldous J. Pennyfarthing’s four-volume Trump-trashing compendium, including the finale, Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, at this link. Or, if you prefer a test drive, you can download the epilogue to Goodbye, Asshat for the low, low price of FREE.
To be fair, the chance that former New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie becomes the next Republican presidential nominee is about the same as Jesus returning to Earth after 2,000 years to see if anyone’s invented Hot Pockets. Then again, stranger things have happened. Like Donald Trump becoming president—which lies somewhere on the “strange” continuum between quantum entanglement and accidentally finding out your dad is Carrot Top.
That said, Christie is the only Republican candidate who’s actually running for president this cycle. Donald Trump is running to stay out of prison, and the rest of these Lilliputians appear to be running for the privilege of becoming Trump’s next VP. But first they need to show their mettle by getting their numbers up and proving they can hang with ... erm, for him.
But, while Christie Supine and the Pretenders may be miles behind the feral frontrunner right now, America’s political landscape can shifts seismically with little warning. Who knows? Maybe a federal judge will confirm Trump is a rapist. Or maybe he’ll be caught red-handed stealing highly sensitive government secrets, and later be indicted for it. Or maybe everyone will find out he tried to steal a free and fair election just to assuage his own ego. Can you even imagine? He’d be sunk. America would never stand for it. People would be throwing wet garbage at him in the streets. They’d shave his head and force him to wear sackcloth wherever he goes. Eventually he’d be sucked up a chocolate tube, never to be heard from again.
Yeah, yeah, I know. A man can dream, though, can’t he?
What do you say? Let’s get started!
1.
Christie gets the top spot this week because, as noted, he’s the only Republican who’s actually running for president in 2024. Or running to do the job, anyway. Trump is running, but mostly because he wants to stay out of jail and likes the way his Diet Coke button looks on the Resolute Desk. Sure, some of Trump’s other opponents are taking little swipes at him here and there, but Christie is the only one talking about Trump the way he needs to be talked about.
Sunday was no different. Christie appeared on ABC’s “This Week” and was saying simply outrageous things!
Wait, what? What is this guy saying? It’s a bad thing if your party’s presidential nominee faces dozens of felony counts in multiple jurisdictions? Whoa. I like this guy. He comes right out and says all the stuff I’m too afraid to say! So courageous. He’s running against another candidate for high office and using that candidate’s glaring vulnerabilities against him! That may be a first in politics. What a brilliant stroke. This guy is going places.
Seriously, though, Trump’s indictments are starting to look like that scene in “Back to the Future” where Biff Tannen and his pals get smothered in manure. What are the rest of these jabronis waiting for?
And it’s interesting to see in the “This Week” chyron that Trump won’t sign a pre-debate pledge to back the eventual GOP nominee. Wait, did I say interesting? I meant blatantly obvious.
Then again, it would really be something to see Trump and Christie debate, wouldn’t it? It would be like watching a knife fight between two preternaturally clammy howler monkeys. It would be like watching sex between Bill O’Reilly and an 8-foot-tall falafel golem. It would look like the first three paragraphs of a Kari Lake Penthouse Forum letter. Or like a constipated labradoodle barking show tunes at his rectum. It would look like the IMAX premiere of Mitch McConnell’s colonoscopy video.
In other words, it would be a huuuuuuge spectacle. And just as monumentally gross. Can you imagine these two oily fucks going at it? The air between them would be flammable.
2.
And now for something completely different. Mike Pence!
He’s trying to run on Trump’s record while at the same time attempting to distance himself from Trump. It’s quite a high-wire act … in that he must be high if he thinks he can pull it off. But that won’t stop him from trying!
Here he is attempting to finesse a question about the former president and the horde of MAGA toadies who literally tried to murder him. Is he a MAGA Republican, “Meet the Press”’ Chuck Todd asks? Well, we just don’t know, now, do we?
Before the pandemic? Yeah, thanks for clarifying, Caspar the Friendly Milquetoast. Unfortunately, that’s a little like saying the Hindenburg’s farewell flight was the best zeppelin ride ever until, well, you know. And while President Obama’s economic recovery—which began its ascent from the giant, smoldering financial crater George W. Bush left us in—was indeed slow at times (thanks, again, to Republicans), it was creating jobs at a significantly faster clip in its final three years than Trump’s economy added in its first three. Which means that, by one important measure at least, the pre-pandemic economy was more sluggish under Trump than it was under Obama.
So it’s unclear who exactly is going to vote for Pence (who, by the way, is running for president, in case you hadn’t noticed). His only natural constituency appears to be 4-week-old fetuses who want to live in a Mike Pence-led christo-fascist theocracy. And that’s an extremely narrow demographic.
3.
Oh, lordy. Marsha Blackburn is talking again. And like most of her GOP colleagues, she’s big mad that Attorney General Merrick Garland appointed a special prosecutor to look into the business affairs of private citizen Hunter Biden, who is evidently the only alleged criminal Republicans care about these days.
The esteemed senator from Tennessee shared her worthless opinions on Fox’s “Sunday Morning Futures” in what the network dubbed an “exclusive.” Which simply means no one else on the planet wants to talk to her.
David Weiss? You mean the Trump-appointed U.S. attorney who started investigating Hunter Biden in 2019 during the—erm—Trump administration? And whom Attorney General Merrick Garland allowed to stay on the job to complete his work? That guy?
Something tells me Blackburn and the rest of the GOP bullshit brigade aren’t being entirely honest.
4.
Good guys! We’ve got good guys, too! My life isn’t just a nonstop cavalcade of snark. I have a soul, you know—corroded though it may be.
Rep. Jamie Raskin appeared on ABC “This Week” with Jonathan Karl to lend some perspective on the whole Hunter Biden thing.
Yes, he could never be guilty of anything. Certainly not bad taste ...
Your daily reminder that Donald Trump is sub-human slime https://t.co/XMw18RyXFK
— Keith Olbermann️ (@KeithOlbermann) August 13, 2023
Oh, poor, poor Ivana. That’s revenge for giving birth to Eric, isn’t it?
But wait, there’s more!
- How to help the victims of the Maui wildfires (“Meet the Press”)
- Hawaii Sen. Mazie Hirono appears on CNN’s “State of the Union” to discuss the devastating Maui wildfires.
- The Powerhouse Roundtable discusses the hypocrisy of Republicans’ complaining about the appointment of a special counsel in the Hunter Biden case. (ABC “This Week”)
- In the wake of Ohio Issue 1’s landslide defeat, Chuck Todd looks at the ongoing electoral implications of the abortion issue. (“Meet the Press”)
Have a great one! See you next week.
Check out Aldous J. Pennyfarthing’s four-volume Trump-trashing compendium, including the finale, Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, at this link. Or, if you prefer a test drive, you can download the epilogue to Goodbye, Asshat for the low, low price of FREE.