Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. To that end, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter every week to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch, and follow @HPUKParents on Twitter for more!
Welcome to parenthood. You never planned on saying things like, "I have to go potty" to another adult, but here we are.
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) November 29, 2022
My Beatles-obsessed daughter decided to mark today’s anniversary of George Harrison’s death by trying to summon him to the school music room. It’s a Catholic school and they phoned me in horror to tell me. I may never stop laughing.
— Sarah Stovell (@sarahlovescrime) November 29, 2022
Instead of my son saying he hungry this boy gone say “can I talk to you in the kitchen” ??????
—fєαяℓєѕѕℓσяι
My 4yo called me old then asked for a sister. Pick a lane, kid
— meghan (@deloisivete) November 29, 2022
My 6 y/o daughter used the word “pacifically” to make a point during an argument so of course to effectively mansplain my counterpoint I started with, “Atlantically …”
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) November 30, 2022
My kids have just discovered that the family sick bowl and the cake mix bowl are one and the same. In my defence, this was also the case when I was growing up … but now I’ve said it out loud, I realise I need to break the cycle. I won’t be taking any further questions.
— Sarah Turner (@TheUnmumsyMum) November 27, 2022
My kid is shopping for a winter coat that will match his shorts and flip flops.
— Stone (@StoneAgeRadio13) November 28, 2022
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) November 29, 2022
I really miss newborn breath bc the breath my toddler be delivering daily is INSANE!
— Lira Mercer (@Lira_Galore_) November 30, 2022
why would I check my Spotify wrapped? I’m a parent, it’s gonna be Encanto. Just 9,000 plays of “We Don’t Talk About Bruno,” at least half of them bc my kid wanted to hear it
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) December 1, 2022
parents: time to decorate the tree and make some magical christmas memories
the excessively tangled christmas lights: lol the fuck you are
— ?♡ (@Love_bug1016) November 29, 2022
Was reading 5 year old a bedtime story and we reached a page where the pictures had been scribbled over with black pen. He got upset, saying his favouritist book was ruined and this was the worst day ever. I reminded him he did it last week.
— three time dad ?? (@threetimedaddy) November 27, 2022
I love being pregnant it's like "oh I have to pee, no wait, I have to throw up, no wait, I have to eat the veggie sub I once had from my college campus' food court Quiznos in 2007, no wait, I have to cry bc I saw a video of a small horse, no wait, I have to throw up."
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) November 30, 2022
Of the many charming things about my 3 year old, one of my favourites is that she calls Sonic the Hedgehog “Jonathan”
— Melanie Lynskey (@melanielynskey) December 1, 2022
When my kids grow up, I’m gonna go to their house and ask for food and then change my mind the second they give it to me.
— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) November 28, 2022
being a parent who doesn’t love to play pretend is awful because you feel like a bad parent and you still have to play pretend
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) December 1, 2022
How old does a kid have to be before they stop leaving greasy fingerprints on kitchen surfaces? I know it’s not 20.
— It’s ????, actually (@HourLongSauce) December 1, 2022
I never know what to do with my face when people tell me what they plan on naming their baby.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) November 30, 2022
one unsolved parenting mysteries I’ve given up on is, how did the white old navy sock that does not belong to us end up in the laundry basket
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) November 26, 2022
9: so in the 1900s—
Me: can you not call it that?
9: so you’re not from the 1900s?
Me: I am but can’t you call it something else? I’m from the 80s.
9:…so…late 1900s?
— Terri Fry (@momlikethat1) November 28, 2022
If you’ve ever thought about becoming a concierge for people in super hero underwear, then parenting might be for you.
— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) December 1, 2022
Spotify Wrapped but for Parenting.
* You argued with children about brushing their teeth or showering 1,687 times
* Your top thing to listen to was kids complaining about what's for dinner
* You heard "MOM" or "DAD" a total of 216,417 times
* Your #1 coping mechanism is Drinking
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) December 1, 2022
My 5yo rarely gives me any details of what happens during his school day but when I asked what happened today he said his class went to China and I don’t believe I signed a permission slip for that
— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) November 28, 2022
At the aquarium yesterday, my kid asked, “The sharks aren’t allowed to eat the other fish, right?” So if anyone asks, aquarium sharks are vegetarian
— mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) November 30, 2022
You can’t slowly wake up when you have kids. One minute you’re asleep and the next minute all the lights are on in the house and you hear your kid trying to open the front door.
— Dadof2Boys (@Dadof2crazyboys) November 28, 2022
I couldn’t find my keys in my purse but I did find three members of the paw patrol, a half eaten milky bar and my hopes and dreams of my daughter ever carrying her own crap around
— Lottie-pop ? (@Lottie_Poppie) November 30, 2022
Told my kid that his sweater was on backwards. He leaned in close and whispered, “I. Don’t. Care.”
— Midge (@mxmclain) December 1, 2022
Those are NOT normal gifts
-my 6yo listening to the 12 Days of Christmas
— meghan (@deloisivete) November 26, 2022
