Headlines You Won't Read Today
Continued…
You are up to date on what isn’t happening. And now, our feature presentation…
Cheers and Jeers for Monday, June 19, 2023
Note: Friday's C&J is being recalled. Please return it to your local authorized C&J dealer for a free comma replacement. We sincerely regret contributing to your unwillingness to handle this inconvenience with the appropriate grace and dignity. What is wrong with you? —Mgt.
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5 days!!!
By the Numbers:
Days 'til summer: 2
Days 'til the Maine Whoopie Pie Festival in Dover-Foxcroft: 5
Percent drop in lumber prices over the last year: -25%
Current expected GDP for the 2nd quarter of 2023: 1.5%
Estimated number of people who are in U.S. airspace at any given time: 61,000
Age of Pentagon Papers whistleblower Daniel Ellsburg when he died last week: 92
Record, set in 2005, for number of clues missed by all 3 contestants during an episode of Jeopardy!: 24
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Monday morning. Back to the grind…
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CHEERS to orders in the court. OMG! OMG! OMG!!! The Supreme Court will likely wrap up its current session this week (Clarence Thomas has a yacht departure to keep an eye on because Harlan Crow is a stickler for punctuality aboard the S.S. Fuhrer), and there are still consequential rulings to be made:
The four outstanding major cases:
As usual, when the rulings are handed down—starting tomorrow, I believe—we'll catapult them to your house via a printout attached to a boulder. For five bucks extra we won’t set it on fire first.
CHEERS to leveling the playing field. 59 years ago today, the Civil Rights Act of 1964—now extended to protect LGBTQ citizens—was approved by the Senate 73-27 after making it through a 57-day Dixiecrat filibuster:
When Johnson signed it he reportedly said, "It is an important gain, but I think we just delivered the South to the Republican Party for a long time to come." A regular Nostradamus in a Stetson, that guy.
CHEERS to great moments in freedom. And speaking of civil rights, on June 19, 1862—aka ”Juneteenth,” now a federal holiday—slavery was outlawed in the existing and future federal territories. (See a handwritten order recently discovered at the National Archives here.) For such a groundbreaking event, the language was pretty straightforward:
The good news: that was a long time ago. The bad news: not long enough.
P.S. A reminder of yet another win in Joe Biden’s column. Two years ago…
I know the feeling. It’s the same one I get when the Pulitzer Committee sends me the pen they’ve used to reauthorize their latest restraining order.
JEERS to tales from America's dark ages. Another reminder that we used to be, in certain ways, as backward as any nation that ever was. This week in 1873—ah, those wacky Grant years—Susan B. Anthony was fined a hundred dollars for the unpardonable offense of voting (in Rochester, New York).
The dust-up led to immediate reforms. Unfortunately, back in those days "immediate reform" meant waiting another fifty years before doing anything about it. By the way, Ms. Anthony never paid the fine. As of last year her heirs owed the Fed, with interest—[clackity clackity clack DING!]—eight million and two dollars. But with the way women blocked a second term for the grotesque orange man who lived in the White House, we were happy to accidentally trip and drop the bill in the paper shredder. Clumsy us.
CHEERS to beating up the bad guys. Just to get everyone up to speed: for reasons having to do with being a bunch of overconfident bullies with borscht for brains, Russia invaded Ukraine in early 2022. What they thought would be a quick victory march into Kyiv has turned into a losing slog in which "Putin's finest" are actually freed convicts and drunks liberated from suburban Moscow bars. After getting their invading asses kicked all over the place and even losing their prized Black Sea battleship, Ukraine is now hammering them with counterattacks. I could show you exactly where, but that would jeopardize Ukraine's element of surprise. So I'll let Mark Sumner do it instead. Boy, is he gonna be in trouble when Zelenskyy finds out.
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Ten years ago in C&J: June 19, 2013
CHEERS to potential for peace. The reaction to the presidential election in Iran is being greeted with cautious optimism. After all, there are stark differences. The old president was beholden to the mullahs who run the country with an iron fist. The new president is beholden to the mullahs who run the country with an iron fist but he doesn’t believe the holocaust was a hoax. Hey…baby steps.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to U.S. Mint'y freshness. The new American Women Quarter is here! The new American Women Quarter is here! Yes indeed, the latest in the series of U.S. quarters celebrating accomplished American women was released earlier this month, and this one comes to you from Hyde Park, New York, resting place of one of our finest stateswomen:
Ooh. Sorry, Melania. I guess that means you're destined to be stuck in Non Fungible Token Land.
Have a tolerable Monday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Continued…
Drag Queen Story Hour Harms Children
DeSantis Eats Pudding With Utensil
Culture Cancels Cancel Culture
Putin Outsmarts Zelenskyy
Yeah. We’ll see about that.
Coal Poised To Make Comeback
No Conservative Religious/Political Leaders Arrested On Child Sex Charges
Truth Makes It Halfway Around the World Before Lie Gets Pants On
Josh Hawley Runs Toward Danger!
Maine Declared Least Scenic State in America
Planet Earth to Humanity: I’ll Miss You When You’re Gone
You are up to date on what isn’t happening. And now, our feature presentation…
-
Cheers and Jeers for Monday, June 19, 2023
Note: Friday's C&J is being recalled. Please return it to your local authorized C&J dealer for a free comma replacement. We sincerely regret contributing to your unwillingness to handle this inconvenience with the appropriate grace and dignity. What is wrong with you? —Mgt.
-
5 days!!!
By the Numbers:
Days 'til summer: 2
Days 'til the Maine Whoopie Pie Festival in Dover-Foxcroft: 5
Percent drop in lumber prices over the last year: -25%
Current expected GDP for the 2nd quarter of 2023: 1.5%
Estimated number of people who are in U.S. airspace at any given time: 61,000
Age of Pentagon Papers whistleblower Daniel Ellsburg when he died last week: 92
Record, set in 2005, for number of clues missed by all 3 contestants during an episode of Jeopardy!: 24
-
Puppy Pic of the Day: Monday morning. Back to the grind…
-
CHEERS to orders in the court. OMG! OMG! OMG!!! The Supreme Court will likely wrap up its current session this week (Clarence Thomas has a yacht departure to keep an eye on because Harlan Crow is a stickler for punctuality aboard the S.S. Fuhrer), and there are still consequential rulings to be made:
Justices have yet to issue rulings on key lawsuits that could upend affirmative action in college admissions, President Joe Biden's student debt forgiveness plan, LGBTQ+ civil liberties and the federal election process. […]
Oh, we can dream.
"The major rulings do tend to bunch up at the end of the term," Alex Badas, a political scientist focused on judicial politics, told Newsweek. "Major cases typically have longer majority opinions and more concurring and dissenting opinions. So it takes longer for the justices to complete the process."
The four outstanding major cases:
As usual, when the rulings are handed down—starting tomorrow, I believe—we'll catapult them to your house via a printout attached to a boulder. For five bucks extra we won’t set it on fire first.
CHEERS to leveling the playing field. 59 years ago today, the Civil Rights Act of 1964—now extended to protect LGBTQ citizens—was approved by the Senate 73-27 after making it through a 57-day Dixiecrat filibuster:
"One hundred and eighty-eight years ago this week a small band of valiant men began a long struggle for freedom," [President Lyndon] Johnson told the nation.
Two weeks later, LBJ signed the Civil Rights Act into law.
"Now our generation of Americans has been called on to continue the unending search for justice within our own borders." The analogy was unmistakable. The president was comparing the work of the Founding Fathers with that of the civil rights movement.
Martin Luther King, who was present at the White House signing ceremony, also had no doubts about the significance of the day or about Lyndon Johnson's role in making the civil rights bill law. "It was a great moment," King declared, "something like the signing of the Emancipation Proclamation by Abraham Lincoln."
When Johnson signed it he reportedly said, "It is an important gain, but I think we just delivered the South to the Republican Party for a long time to come." A regular Nostradamus in a Stetson, that guy.
CHEERS to great moments in freedom. And speaking of civil rights, on June 19, 1862—aka ”Juneteenth,” now a federal holiday—slavery was outlawed in the existing and future federal territories. (See a handwritten order recently discovered at the National Archives here.) For such a groundbreaking event, the language was pretty straightforward:
The good news: that was a long time ago. The bad news: not long enough.
P.S. A reminder of yet another win in Joe Biden’s column. Two years ago…
I know the feeling. It’s the same one I get when the Pulitzer Committee sends me the pen they’ve used to reauthorize their latest restraining order.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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In the heart of this grove among the mountains of Mexico, half a billion Monarch butterflies lie sleeping. This spy hummingbird ventures to witness a breathtaking swarm [John Downer Productions: https://t.co/qHAlyuzvhd]pic.twitter.com/CdG7W53hrw
— Massimo (@Rainmaker1973) June 16, 2023
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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JEERS to tales from America's dark ages. Another reminder that we used to be, in certain ways, as backward as any nation that ever was. This week in 1873—ah, those wacky Grant years—Susan B. Anthony was fined a hundred dollars for the unpardonable offense of voting (in Rochester, New York).
On the day of her sentencing, Anthony was asked by Hunt whether she had anything to say.
Susan’s gravestone is covered with “I Voted” stickers every November.
“Yes, your honor, I have many things to say; for in your ordered verdict of guilty, you have trampled underfoot every vital principle of our government,” Anthony said. “My natural rights, my civil rights, my political rights, my judicial rights, are all alike ignored. Robbed of the fundamental privilege of citizenship, I am degraded from the status of a citizen to that of a subject; and not only myself individually, but all of my sex, are, by your honor’s verdict, doomed to political subjection under this, so-called, form of government.”
The dust-up led to immediate reforms. Unfortunately, back in those days "immediate reform" meant waiting another fifty years before doing anything about it. By the way, Ms. Anthony never paid the fine. As of last year her heirs owed the Fed, with interest—[clackity clackity clack DING!]—eight million and two dollars. But with the way women blocked a second term for the grotesque orange man who lived in the White House, we were happy to accidentally trip and drop the bill in the paper shredder. Clumsy us.
CHEERS to beating up the bad guys. Just to get everyone up to speed: for reasons having to do with being a bunch of overconfident bullies with borscht for brains, Russia invaded Ukraine in early 2022. What they thought would be a quick victory march into Kyiv has turned into a losing slog in which "Putin's finest" are actually freed convicts and drunks liberated from suburban Moscow bars. After getting their invading asses kicked all over the place and even losing their prized Black Sea battleship, Ukraine is now hammering them with counterattacks. I could show you exactly where, but that would jeopardize Ukraine's element of surprise. So I'll let Mark Sumner do it instead. Boy, is he gonna be in trouble when Zelenskyy finds out.
-
Ten years ago in C&J: June 19, 2013
CHEERS to potential for peace. The reaction to the presidential election in Iran is being greeted with cautious optimism. After all, there are stark differences. The old president was beholden to the mullahs who run the country with an iron fist. The new president is beholden to the mullahs who run the country with an iron fist but he doesn’t believe the holocaust was a hoax. Hey…baby steps.
-
And just one more…
CHEERS to U.S. Mint'y freshness. The new American Women Quarter is here! The new American Women Quarter is here! Yes indeed, the latest in the series of U.S. quarters celebrating accomplished American women was released earlier this month, and this one comes to you from Hyde Park, New York, resting place of one of our finest stateswomen:
The release of the symbolic coin filled the female icon’s great-granddaughter, Perrin Roosevelt Ireland, with unwavering pride and joy.
Now jangling in pockets everywhere.
“I think Eleanor would be especially happy to be on the quarter, something more people are holding than $20 bills today,” said Roosevelt Ireland. “She really wanted to connect with as many people as possible; now she will really be able to do that, being right in their pockets.”
Attended by members of the U.S. Mint, FDR Presidential Library, National Women’s History Museum, as well as students from Hyde Park elementary and middle schools, the hour-plus long program not only saluted Roosevelt and the breadth of her accomplishments, but provided background on the American Women Quarter’s Program.
“A coin should reflect what is important to a society; women have been far underrepresented on them,” said Michelle Thompson, of the U.S. Mint., who added that Roosevelt was not selected for a quarter due to her First Lady status rather because she was a fighter for all people, a true inspiration.
Ooh. Sorry, Melania. I guess that means you're destined to be stuck in Non Fungible Token Land.
Have a tolerable Monday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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