"We'll return after these messages…"
The Emmy nominations were announced last week, and among the categories is one for best commercial. The six nominees include two on school shootings, and both pull no punches: Sandy Hook Promise’s Teenage Dream, and Change the Ref's gut-punch The Lost Class. The latter’s is particularly noteworthy because it hinges on their epic trolling of a former NRA president, who was duped into “practicing” his graduation speech in front of 3,044 empty chairs:
YouTube Video
That gets my vote. Epic. (See also: their current bus tour that began by trolling Ted Cruz.)
Cheers and Jeers for Monday, July 18, 2022
Note: What the...??? There was a very important note here five minutes ago and it’s gone now. I told you people sorcery is real. Told you I did.
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By the Numbers:
7 days!!!
Days 'til the midterm elections: 113
Days 'til Corn Capital Days in Olivia, Minnesota: 7
Estimated number of gas stations now selling gas for $3.99 or less, according to Gas Buddy: 25,000
Expected average U.S. pay raise in 2023, a15-year high: 4.1%
Percent of business owners surveyed by Willis Towers Watson who say they plan to put more emphasis on increasing diversity, equity and inclusion in 2023: 60%
Number of "red" heat warnings that have been issued for Great Britain besides the one that was issued for this week: 0
Percent of UK homes that have air conditioning, according to CNN: 5%
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Congratulations to this year's British Open champion...
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CHEERS to Captain Diplomacy. Joe Biden's first trip to the Middle East as president is now in the history books. His mission: put on a happy face and hobnob pleasantly with some of the world's worst leaders so they don’t totally abandon us to become China's bitches. Here's a summary of what happened during his trip, courtesy of the coverage on Fox News:
But no credit for not bowing? That’s low, Fox.
CHEERS to another week on Planet Covid. Every week for over a year, C&J's Monday edition included an update on the COVID-19 numbers—total cases and death toll. We stopped last year because it appeared the pandemic was under control. Ha ha. After the Delta and omicron variants, we're off to the races again with the "omicron BA.5 subvariant." So, for a limited time (we hope), we're bringing back our occasional check of the tote board of woe, because apparently the unvaccinated are still having so much fun playing death roulette. Worldwide now: over 567 million cases, and our domestic death toll stands between the populations of America’s 10th-largest city San Jose and 9th-largest Dallas:
And guess what's coming up in a couple weeks? That zoomy-zoomy time of year when 500,000 motorcyclists swarm Sturgis, South Dakota for nine days of unmasked, non-socially-distanced fun, then head back home to tell all their friends about it up close and personal. Thus answering the question: why are undertakers now the most frequent customers at Porsche dealerships in the summer?
CHEERS to the current chain of command. Seventy-five years ago, on July 18, 1947, President Truman signed the Presidential Succession Act, which clearly establishes who takes over if the president dies or is otherwise incapacitated. Here's the current lineup, which is a sight better than what it looked like a couple years ago:
After that they just start drawing random names out of Congresswoman Virginia Foxx's girdle.
CHEERS to Democrats with the right stuff. Happy 101st birthday to the late John Glenn, one of the most durable human beings who ever lived. Not only was he the first American astronaut to orbit the planet, he later became the oldest person in space when he blasted off in the Shuttle Discovery at the age of 77.
President Obama had the honor of awarding Glenn his Medal of Freedom.
I don’t plan to have a whole lot etched on my Billystone after I die, but one thing you'll definitely read on it will be, "John Glenn Was My Freakin' Senator." Probably with an exclamation point—more if the engraver gives me a volume discount.
JEERS to premature shuffling off of your mortal coil. Ivana Trump died last week at 73. She leaves behind former husband Donald and three children: Don Jr., Ivanka, and Eric. The medical examiner says her death was ruled an "accident," which I assume is, in a nod to her roots, how you spell "embarrassment" in Czech.
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Ten years ago in C&J: July 18, 2012
JEERS to losing to the losers. Back in January of 2011, Harry Reid had a chance to change the Senate rules to prevent Republicans from filibustering everything including potty breaks. He instead chose to make a "handshake deal" with Mitch McConnell, who set upon breaking it at his earliest convenience. Yesterday he did it again, filibustering the absolutely non-controversial and popular DISCLOSE Act. It would've thrown some light on America's biggest Super PAC donors. But, no—that would be too small-d democratic. So Citizens United remains a cloak of invisibility for the creepy millionaires who want to control elections without you knowing it. Feel free to protest, y'all…but have your photo ID handy for the proper authorities. They're kinda picky about transparency among the rabble.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to today’s big eggscitement. Today is National Caviar Day. I'm sure you're itching, as I am, to send the butler to the walk-in refrigerator to dip into your resplendent reservoir of roe. But before you do, make sure he's not gonna f*ck it up:
And no matter what, fellow Kossacks, never, ever spill any caviar on your Manolo Blanhiks. They kick people out of country clubs for less.
Have a tolerable Monday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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The Emmy nominations were announced last week, and among the categories is one for best commercial. The six nominees include two on school shootings, and both pull no punches: Sandy Hook Promise’s Teenage Dream, and Change the Ref's gut-punch The Lost Class. The latter’s is particularly noteworthy because it hinges on their epic trolling of a former NRA president, who was duped into “practicing” his graduation speech in front of 3,044 empty chairs:
YouTube Video
-
That gets my vote. Epic. (See also: their current bus tour that began by trolling Ted Cruz.)
Cheers and Jeers for Monday, July 18, 2022
Note: What the...??? There was a very important note here five minutes ago and it’s gone now. I told you people sorcery is real. Told you I did.
-
By the Numbers:
7 days!!!
Days 'til the midterm elections: 113
Days 'til Corn Capital Days in Olivia, Minnesota: 7
Estimated number of gas stations now selling gas for $3.99 or less, according to Gas Buddy: 25,000
Expected average U.S. pay raise in 2023, a15-year high: 4.1%
Percent of business owners surveyed by Willis Towers Watson who say they plan to put more emphasis on increasing diversity, equity and inclusion in 2023: 60%
Number of "red" heat warnings that have been issued for Great Britain besides the one that was issued for this week: 0
Percent of UK homes that have air conditioning, according to CNN: 5%
-
Puppy Pic of the Day: Congratulations to this year's British Open champion...
-
CHEERS to Captain Diplomacy. Joe Biden's first trip to the Middle East as president is now in the history books. His mission: put on a happy face and hobnob pleasantly with some of the world's worst leaders so they don’t totally abandon us to become China's bitches. Here's a summary of what happened during his trip, courtesy of the coverage on Fox News:
"He shook hands when he should've fist-bumped!"
To commemorate his trip, Biden bought us all a snow globe of Petra in Jordan.
"He fist-bumped when he should've shook hands!"
"He waved when he should've winked!"
"He nodded when he should've touched his left earlobe!"
"He line-danced when he should've polkaed!"
"He grinned when he should've smirked!"
"He comforted when he should've consoled!"
"He guffawed when he should've tittered!"
“He honked when he should’ve snorked!”
"And on top of all that, he was clearly breathing!"
"What a disaster!"
But no credit for not bowing? That’s low, Fox.
CHEERS to another week on Planet Covid. Every week for over a year, C&J's Monday edition included an update on the COVID-19 numbers—total cases and death toll. We stopped last year because it appeared the pandemic was under control. Ha ha. After the Delta and omicron variants, we're off to the races again with the "omicron BA.5 subvariant." So, for a limited time (we hope), we're bringing back our occasional check of the tote board of woe, because apparently the unvaccinated are still having so much fun playing death roulette. Worldwide now: over 567 million cases, and our domestic death toll stands between the populations of America’s 10th-largest city San Jose and 9th-largest Dallas:
2 years ago: 3.8 million confirmed cases. 143,000 deaths
Get your boosters, folks.
1 year ago: 35 million confirmed cases. 625,000 deaths
This morning: 91.2 million confirmed cases. 1,049,000 deaths
And guess what's coming up in a couple weeks? That zoomy-zoomy time of year when 500,000 motorcyclists swarm Sturgis, South Dakota for nine days of unmasked, non-socially-distanced fun, then head back home to tell all their friends about it up close and personal. Thus answering the question: why are undertakers now the most frequent customers at Porsche dealerships in the summer?
CHEERS to the current chain of command. Seventy-five years ago, on July 18, 1947, President Truman signed the Presidential Succession Act, which clearly establishes who takes over if the president dies or is otherwise incapacitated. Here's the current lineup, which is a sight better than what it looked like a couple years ago:
Vice President Kamala Harris (First woman president? Fine by me.)
Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (She'd be the first president to wield a 10-pound gavel behind the Resolute Desk.)
And when climate change kills off humanity, Clarissa here becomes dictator for life.
President pro tempore of the Senate Patrick Leahy (Free Ben & Jerry’s for everybody.)
Sec. of State Antony Blinken (A. Blinken?…Abe Lincoln? I say he should be allowed to leapfrog to the top for that. But only if he wears a stovepipe hat.)
Sec. of the Treasury Janet Yellen (Can we just pause for a moment to thank all the gods that Steve Mnuchin is gone…and to also ask if all the gold in Fort Knox was accounted for after he left?)
Gary the House Janitor (In fairness, if he can clean up vomit in the school cafeteria, he can probably clean up Washington.)
Dopey (This would not be good because he'd be dwarfed by world events.)
After that they just start drawing random names out of Congresswoman Virginia Foxx's girdle.
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CHEERS to Democrats with the right stuff. Happy 101st birthday to the late John Glenn, one of the most durable human beings who ever lived. Not only was he the first American astronaut to orbit the planet, he later became the oldest person in space when he blasted off in the Shuttle Discovery at the age of 77.
President Obama had the honor of awarding Glenn his Medal of Freedom.
I don’t plan to have a whole lot etched on my Billystone after I die, but one thing you'll definitely read on it will be, "John Glenn Was My Freakin' Senator." Probably with an exclamation point—more if the engraver gives me a volume discount.
JEERS to premature shuffling off of your mortal coil. Ivana Trump died last week at 73. She leaves behind former husband Donald and three children: Don Jr., Ivanka, and Eric. The medical examiner says her death was ruled an "accident," which I assume is, in a nod to her roots, how you spell "embarrassment" in Czech.
-
Ten years ago in C&J: July 18, 2012
JEERS to losing to the losers. Back in January of 2011, Harry Reid had a chance to change the Senate rules to prevent Republicans from filibustering everything including potty breaks. He instead chose to make a "handshake deal" with Mitch McConnell, who set upon breaking it at his earliest convenience. Yesterday he did it again, filibustering the absolutely non-controversial and popular DISCLOSE Act. It would've thrown some light on America's biggest Super PAC donors. But, no—that would be too small-d democratic. So Citizens United remains a cloak of invisibility for the creepy millionaires who want to control elections without you knowing it. Feel free to protest, y'all…but have your photo ID handy for the proper authorities. They're kinda picky about transparency among the rabble.
-
And just one more…
CHEERS to today’s big eggscitement. Today is National Caviar Day. I'm sure you're itching, as I am, to send the butler to the walk-in refrigerator to dip into your resplendent reservoir of roe. But before you do, make sure he's not gonna f*ck it up:
Fine caviar should never be served with or stored in metal because of oxidation which can impart a metal flavour to the berries (yes, that what each little egg is properly called). Serve caviar very cold and nestled inside another bowl or container that holds ice to keep it fresh and cool.
Choose your brand wisely. You know the old saying: "Caviar Emptor."
Choose servers made of glass, bone, wood or plastic. If you want to go by tradition, try mother-of-pearl or gold.
While it’s tempting to overdo it, try not to as eating more than two ounces or two spoons of caviar is considered a social faux pas.
And no matter what, fellow Kossacks, never, ever spill any caviar on your Manolo Blanhiks. They kick people out of country clubs for less.
Have a tolerable Monday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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