Roses and Weirdness
Happy Valentine's Day Day. I just downed some horny goat weed with my morning cocktail and soon I’ll fall madly in love with all of you and half the furniture in the house. Did you know that eight billion of those addictive Sweethearts candies are produced every year? It's TRUE!!! In a tradition we started a generation ago to our nation’s great detriment, we present this year’s updated list of lovey-dovey candy heart sayings for the strange times in which we find ourselves:
Continued...
Nom nom nom...
What can we say? That's amore. And now, our feature presentation...
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, February 14, 2024
Note: Today is "Clean Out Your Computer Day." So far I've picked enough crumbs out of my keyboard to re-assemble a chocolate chip cookie and six Doritos, and enough dog hair to knit a three-foot-long scarf. And that was just under the SHIFT key. I like the way this day is headed.
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By the Numbers:
8 DAYS!!!
Days 'til Presidents' Day: 5
Days 'til the Marbleseed Organic Farming Conference in La Crosse, Wisconsin: 8
Years since the share of Americans who think their financial situation will be better in a year was as high as it is now, according to the NY Fed: 4
Years since the share who say it's easier to get a loan was as high as it is today: 2
Number of ads for electric cars that aired during the Super Bowl, versus one for internal combustion: 3
Date on which the Biden campaign joined Tik-Tok: 2/11/24
Age of Iranian Taghi Askar when he performed an exhibition dive at the World Championships: 100
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 188 (including 5 nuclear nations and 1 important AP correction). Soul Protection Factor 6 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Bath time, with a special audience…
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CHEERS to THE WINNER! All eyes were cast upon New York's 3rd district yesterday as voters—many described as "Long Island eccentric"—went to the polls to choose their successor for the booted congressman known, depending on what day it is, as Pope Francis, The Rock, Queen Victoria, and George Santos. Unfortunately there was a blizzard going on, so all our eyes could see was a whiteout. But we're told that a victor did, in fact, emerge from the maelstrom, and we congratulate him or her for winning a tough race that, not unlike the groundhog earlier this month, will determine the winners of all the races on November 5th. For a complete list of the 297 takeaways from this special election, please send a self-addressed stamped envelope to someone who knows what the hell is going on.
Update: Oh look...last night NY-03 went to Flippyville. Somebody should tell Mr. Santos when he goes on break at Burger King. Or is he at KFC now?
CHEERS to taming the beast. The monthly inflation report is out, and it shows that prices continue to "slow markedly" and "amount to a positive sign for the Fed ahead of its next rate decision in March." For more in-depth analysis, let's turn it over to the corporate media via yesterday’s evening newscasts:
Surprisingly optimistic, for a change.
CHEERS to a bit of per-speck-tive. Today seems like a good day to step back and ponder our place in the universe. And when I say step back I mean waaaaaay back—like 3.7 billion miles back. Today is the 34th anniversary of the famous "pale blue dot" photo snapped by the Voyager probe in 1990 as it took one last look back at our sorry asses. Thanks to advances in imaging technology, in 2020 NASA unveiled a new, clearer image that we recommend you and a mixed drink or toke of wacky tobbacky spend some time with in quiet contemplation tonight, as Carl Sagan so eloquently did:
“From this distant vantage point, the Earth might not seem of any particular interest. But for us, it's different. Consider again that dot. That's here. That's home. That's us. On it everyone you love, everyone you know, everyone you ever heard of, every human being who ever was, lived out their lives. The aggregate of our joy and suffering, thousands of confident religions, ideologies, and economic doctrines, every hunter and forager, every hero and coward, every creator and destroyer of civilization, every king and peasant, every young couple in love, every mother and father, hopeful child, inventor and explorer, every teacher of morals, every corrupt politician, every ‘superstar,’ every ‘supreme leader,’ every saint and sinner in the history of our species lived there—on a mote of dust suspended in a sunbeam.”
As we can all plainly see, it's a reminder—simultaneously placid, eerie, and awe-inspiring—that no matter how insurmountable our problems may seem or how big the assholes are who rule us, we're just an annoying itch on the universe's butt, and one day, whether humanity is still here or not, we're going to get scratched. Also as we can also plainly see, would it kill ya to pick your underwear up off the floor? The universe hates a slob.
YouTube Video
CHEERS to the world's most famous Bug. It sucks that such an enduring icon has to be associated with a genocidal maniac, but what can ya do? It was 88 years ago this week that Adolf Hitler announced the introduction of the Volkswagen (German for "Grind it 'til ya find it").
It was small and noisy, but if its battery died you could roll it down the street to get it goin' again. Or as my friends used to call it: me after the bars closed on Saturday night.
P.S. Can we all at least agree that it’s a good thing Trump never obsessed over creating a new national car? He killed enough of us with covid, thanks.
CHEERS to lending a hand. Over the objections of the Republican Putin Caucus, yesterday the Senate passed a big 'ol bill forking over financial aid to Ukraine, Israel, and Planet Orpglorb:
Oh yeah? Hold my holy water, said House Speaker Mike Johnson.
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Ten years ago in C&J: February 14, 2014
CHEERS to bourbon, bluegrass and betrothal. Who knew red states would be so out-front on gay marriage? In yet another jaw-dropping decision, a judge in Kentucky ruled yesterday that same-sex couples who live in there but get married in another state will be considered legally hitched:
I think we're due to hear from a judge in Texas today. Fearless prediction: it'll be the first gay marriage ruling in history to contain the word Yippeykayay.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to notes notes. I got so distracted by the afterglow of Groundhog Day that I didn’t even notice that the latest batch of nominees vying for induction in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame were announced last week. They are:
The inductees will be announced this spring. The link for online voting is here. As usual, I'll be casting a daily write-in vote for Hampton the Hampster for his groundbreaking The Hampster Dance. Because, c’mon…won’t we all?
Have a happy humpday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Happy Valentine's Day Day. I just downed some horny goat weed with my morning cocktail and soon I’ll fall madly in love with all of you and half the furniture in the house. Did you know that eight billion of those addictive Sweethearts candies are produced every year? It's TRUE!!! In a tradition we started a generation ago to our nation’s great detriment, we present this year’s updated list of lovey-dovey candy heart sayings for the strange times in which we find ourselves:
Continued...
Nom nom nom...
ABOLISH MY FILIBUSTER
INDICKT ME
U R MY RECHARGING STATION
LET'S PUNCH SOME NAZIS
YOU GIVE ME INFLATION BABY
I REMEMBER YOU
“Happy Valentine’s Day, my little lotus blossom. I got you a box of Type-2 diabetes.”
UP FOR ALLADIN?
STROKE MY GUN. I’M PRETTY SURE IT’S NOT LOADE
MELT MY HEART LIKE AN ICECAP
TRUTH = TRUE ❤
LET’S NOT WATCH FOX...TOGETHER
What can we say? That's amore. And now, our feature presentation...
-
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, February 14, 2024
Note: Today is "Clean Out Your Computer Day." So far I've picked enough crumbs out of my keyboard to re-assemble a chocolate chip cookie and six Doritos, and enough dog hair to knit a three-foot-long scarf. And that was just under the SHIFT key. I like the way this day is headed.
-
By the Numbers:
8 DAYS!!!
Days 'til Presidents' Day: 5
Days 'til the Marbleseed Organic Farming Conference in La Crosse, Wisconsin: 8
Years since the share of Americans who think their financial situation will be better in a year was as high as it is now, according to the NY Fed: 4
Years since the share who say it's easier to get a loan was as high as it is today: 2
Number of ads for electric cars that aired during the Super Bowl, versus one for internal combustion: 3
Date on which the Biden campaign joined Tik-Tok: 2/11/24
Age of Iranian Taghi Askar when he performed an exhibition dive at the World Championships: 100
-
Mid-week Rapture Index: 188 (including 5 nuclear nations and 1 important AP correction). Soul Protection Factor 6 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
-
Puppy Pic of the Day: Bath time, with a special audience…
-
CHEERS to THE WINNER! All eyes were cast upon New York's 3rd district yesterday as voters—many described as "Long Island eccentric"—went to the polls to choose their successor for the booted congressman known, depending on what day it is, as Pope Francis, The Rock, Queen Victoria, and George Santos. Unfortunately there was a blizzard going on, so all our eyes could see was a whiteout. But we're told that a victor did, in fact, emerge from the maelstrom, and we congratulate him or her for winning a tough race that, not unlike the groundhog earlier this month, will determine the winners of all the races on November 5th. For a complete list of the 297 takeaways from this special election, please send a self-addressed stamped envelope to someone who knows what the hell is going on.
Update: Oh look...last night NY-03 went to Flippyville. Somebody should tell Mr. Santos when he goes on break at Burger King. Or is he at KFC now?
CHEERS to taming the beast. The monthly inflation report is out, and it shows that prices continue to "slow markedly" and "amount to a positive sign for the Fed ahead of its next rate decision in March." For more in-depth analysis, let's turn it over to the corporate media via yesterday’s evening newscasts:
Surprisingly optimistic, for a change.
CHEERS to a bit of per-speck-tive. Today seems like a good day to step back and ponder our place in the universe. And when I say step back I mean waaaaaay back—like 3.7 billion miles back. Today is the 34th anniversary of the famous "pale blue dot" photo snapped by the Voyager probe in 1990 as it took one last look back at our sorry asses. Thanks to advances in imaging technology, in 2020 NASA unveiled a new, clearer image that we recommend you and a mixed drink or toke of wacky tobbacky spend some time with in quiet contemplation tonight, as Carl Sagan so eloquently did:
“From this distant vantage point, the Earth might not seem of any particular interest. But for us, it's different. Consider again that dot. That's here. That's home. That's us. On it everyone you love, everyone you know, everyone you ever heard of, every human being who ever was, lived out their lives. The aggregate of our joy and suffering, thousands of confident religions, ideologies, and economic doctrines, every hunter and forager, every hero and coward, every creator and destroyer of civilization, every king and peasant, every young couple in love, every mother and father, hopeful child, inventor and explorer, every teacher of morals, every corrupt politician, every ‘superstar,’ every ‘supreme leader,’ every saint and sinner in the history of our species lived there—on a mote of dust suspended in a sunbeam.”
As we can all plainly see, it's a reminder—simultaneously placid, eerie, and awe-inspiring—that no matter how insurmountable our problems may seem or how big the assholes are who rule us, we're just an annoying itch on the universe's butt, and one day, whether humanity is still here or not, we're going to get scratched. Also as we can also plainly see, would it kill ya to pick your underwear up off the floor? The universe hates a slob.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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YouTube Video
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CHEERS to the world's most famous Bug. It sucks that such an enduring icon has to be associated with a genocidal maniac, but what can ya do? It was 88 years ago this week that Adolf Hitler announced the introduction of the Volkswagen (German for "Grind it 'til ya find it").
It was small and noisy, but if its battery died you could roll it down the street to get it goin' again. Or as my friends used to call it: me after the bars closed on Saturday night.
P.S. Can we all at least agree that it’s a good thing Trump never obsessed over creating a new national car? He killed enough of us with covid, thanks.
CHEERS to lending a hand. Over the objections of the Republican Putin Caucus, yesterday the Senate passed a big 'ol bill forking over financial aid to Ukraine, Israel, and Planet Orpglorb:
The vote on final passage early Tuesday morning of the $95 billion aid package for Ukraine, Israel and the Indo-Pacific was 70 in favor to 29 opposed. The upper chamber pushed through a number of procedural hurdles in recent days, remaining in Washington through the weekend despite a planned recess that was set to begin this week. […]
Majority Leader Chuck Schumer holds the cashier’s check for Ukraine.
"Today we witnessed one of the most historic and consequential bills to have ever passed the Senate," Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer said after the vote.
"With this bill, the Senate declares that American leadership will not waver, will not falter, will not fail."
Oh yeah? Hold my holy water, said House Speaker Mike Johnson.
-
Ten years ago in C&J: February 14, 2014
CHEERS to bourbon, bluegrass and betrothal. Who knew red states would be so out-front on gay marriage? In yet another jaw-dropping decision, a judge in Kentucky ruled yesterday that same-sex couples who live in there but get married in another state will be considered legally hitched:
I think we're due to hear from a judge in Texas today. Fearless prediction: it'll be the first gay marriage ruling in history to contain the word Yippeykayay.
-
And just one more…
CHEERS to notes notes. I got so distracted by the afterglow of Groundhog Day that I didn’t even notice that the latest batch of nominees vying for induction in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame were announced last week. They are:
First-Time Nominees
Mariah Carey
Cher
Ozzy Osbourne
Sade
Lenny Kravitz
Sinead O’Connor
Foreigner
Peter Frampton
Kool & the Gang
Oasis
Does this count as “fugly”?
Repeat Nominees
Mary J. Blige
Dave Matthews Band
Eric B. & Rakim
Jane’s Addiction
A Tribe Called Quest.
The inductees will be announced this spring. The link for online voting is here. As usual, I'll be casting a daily write-in vote for Hampton the Hampster for his groundbreaking The Hampster Dance. Because, c’mon…won’t we all?
Have a happy humpday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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