Keeping the House of Representatives open should be easy. Like, keeping-an-Oregon-weed-dispensary-open kind of easy. But much like acknowledging that the person who wins our presidential election should get to be president, Republicans can’t seem to do it. So we get grotesqueries like Ohio Rep. Jim Jordan’s abortive speaker bid, which felt a bit like Sideshow Bob repeatedly stepping on a rake in the cockpit of the Hindenburg.
As fun as it might have been to watch Jordan hemorrhage votes until his support was whittled down to Matt Gaetz, Donald Trump, and the crustiest edges of the GOP, Jordan’s Republican colleagues mercifully pulled the plug on his vanity project when they suddenly realized Dennis Hastert had a better shot. And just in time, too, because it was starting to look like “Groundhog Day” if the groundhog chewed Bill Murray’s balls off every morning.
Of course, as eager as Republicans are to blame their series of increasingly embarrassing own goals on Democrats, that talking point is unlikely to gain much traction on this week’s Sunday shows, no matter how much they love to both-sides the issues. Except for maybe on “Fox News Sunday,” which would book a fart in a jar if it had a brand-new explicit photo of Hunter Biden.
RELATED: Sunday Four-Play: GOP still deciding which fanatical, anti-American traitor to anoint as speaker
Meanwhile, humans still can’t stop waging wars against each other, despite ample evidence that everyone hates them. Except the people who start them, that is. Maybe Thomas Malthus was right after all. Or maybe we just need to stop putting egregious dicks in charge of everything.
And on that super-cheery note, let’s dig in, shall we?
I think I’m starting to develop feelings for Liz Cheney. No, not those kind of feelings. But, you know, something other than the “choking to death on a stale Pepperidge Farm cracker” sensation I usually get when eyeballing old-school Republicans.
Perhaps my feelings can best be summed up by Bart’s comments vis-à-vis Homer during a particularly poignant moment on “The Simpsons.”
YouTube Video
Okay, so we’re two “Simpsons” references in and we haven’t even rolled our first clip yet. So let’s do that, eh? Liz Cheney joined Jake Tapper on CNN’s “State of the Union” and made a bit of news in the process. Turns out she could still run for president, presumably as a Republican, even though she’s almost certainly less popular with the GOP than with Democrats and independents these days. Of course, if all she does is tell Vivek Ramaswamy to sit in the corner and drink his milk during the debates, it will all be worth it. In fact, that alone could be enough to vault her to second place—a mere 60 points behind the long-disgraced current face of the GOP.
But more important than any potential presidential run is her determination to keep reminding voters that the Republican frontrunner literally tried to end America less than three years ago.
Some people will think the big takeaway from that clip is that Cheney is still not ruling out a presidential run, as quixotic as it might be. And as long as she doesn’t try to run as a third-, fourth-, or fifth-party candidate, she's welcome to try. But to me the takeaway is that Cheney appears to think there are enough “sane” Republicans left to staff a Sunglass Hut, much less populate half the House. Guess that’s why she has to help out sane Democrats, too.
RELATED: Sunday Four-Play: Matt Gaetz vows to shiv Kevin McCarthy, and AOC says she may help
Oh, he went there. Because of course he did. Kevin McCarthy, who used to spend all day dreaming about being speaker but now only fantasizes about launching Matt Gaetz out to sea on a trebuchet, is still steamed about the eight Republicans and 210 Democrats who voted to Scaramucci his worthless ass.
McCarthy joined Kristen Welker on “Meet the Press” to complain that House Democrats failed to rescue a speaker who’d spent the previous nine months repeatedly stabbing them in the back, front, and undercarriage.
Yeah, you’re not going to pin this on Democrats, Kevin. It just won’t work. You’re just embarrassing yourself further—assuming that’s even possible.
YouTube Video
Thanks for keeping the government open, Kevin. And for covering your mouth when you sneeze. And for showing up to all your interviews wearing pants. You’ve passed Humaning 101. Barely. Congrats.
RELATED: Sunday Four-Play: Matt Gaetz tries to 'splain himself, and Blinken responds to GOP lies about Hamas
So Kevin is embarrassed? Hey, so is GOP Rep. Michael McCaul. What a coincidence! Know who’s not embarrassed? Not one single congressional Democrat.
McCaul joined ABC “This Week’s” Jonathan Karl to dump ashes on his head and rend his garments. (Metaphorically, of course, though who knows what really goes on in the green room?)
Hmm, so just two years after 147 congressional Republicans voted to overturn the results of a free and fair U.S. election, Republicans are suddenly worried that we’re sending the wrong message to our foreign adversaries about the virtues of democracy. Funny how that works. (To be fair, McCaul did not vote to overturn the 2020 election. He took a firm stand that was roughly as honorable and courageous as not deliberately running over squirrels on the way to a Klan meeting.)
It’s also interesting that all this chaos has erupted since Vladimir Putin successfully installed a puppet at the head of the U.S. government. And now the puppet’s puppets are puppeteering the country into a ditch. Weird how that works.
Let’s see, would you like a video about Hamas and Israel and all those concomitant horrors, or a short clip of Jake Tapper calling a congressional Republican a clown to his face? Okay, then. Let’s go with Tapper and the Clown. GOP Rep. Mike Turner rolled out of his tiny car and onto our teevees as a guest on “State of the Union.”
High school. Junior high. Either way, Matt Gaetz will hang around long enough to make everyone super uncomfortable. Guess the only solution is for all these folks to finally grow up. Hakeem Jeffries has a plan for that.
But wait! There’s more!
That’s all for now. See you next week! By then, we might even have a speaker. Or not. We’ll see.
Check out Aldous J. Pennyfarthing’s four-volume Trump-trashing compendium, including the finale, Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, at this link. Or, if you prefer a test drive, you can download the epilogue to Goodbye, Asshat for the low, low price of FREE.
As fun as it might have been to watch Jordan hemorrhage votes until his support was whittled down to Matt Gaetz, Donald Trump, and the crustiest edges of the GOP, Jordan’s Republican colleagues mercifully pulled the plug on his vanity project when they suddenly realized Dennis Hastert had a better shot. And just in time, too, because it was starting to look like “Groundhog Day” if the groundhog chewed Bill Murray’s balls off every morning.
Of course, as eager as Republicans are to blame their series of increasingly embarrassing own goals on Democrats, that talking point is unlikely to gain much traction on this week’s Sunday shows, no matter how much they love to both-sides the issues. Except for maybe on “Fox News Sunday,” which would book a fart in a jar if it had a brand-new explicit photo of Hunter Biden.
RELATED: Sunday Four-Play: GOP still deciding which fanatical, anti-American traitor to anoint as speaker
Meanwhile, humans still can’t stop waging wars against each other, despite ample evidence that everyone hates them. Except the people who start them, that is. Maybe Thomas Malthus was right after all. Or maybe we just need to stop putting egregious dicks in charge of everything.
And on that super-cheery note, let’s dig in, shall we?
1.
I think I’m starting to develop feelings for Liz Cheney. No, not those kind of feelings. But, you know, something other than the “choking to death on a stale Pepperidge Farm cracker” sensation I usually get when eyeballing old-school Republicans.
Perhaps my feelings can best be summed up by Bart’s comments vis-à-vis Homer during a particularly poignant moment on “The Simpsons.”
YouTube Video
Okay, so we’re two “Simpsons” references in and we haven’t even rolled our first clip yet. So let’s do that, eh? Liz Cheney joined Jake Tapper on CNN’s “State of the Union” and made a bit of news in the process. Turns out she could still run for president, presumably as a Republican, even though she’s almost certainly less popular with the GOP than with Democrats and independents these days. Of course, if all she does is tell Vivek Ramaswamy to sit in the corner and drink his milk during the debates, it will all be worth it. In fact, that alone could be enough to vault her to second place—a mere 60 points behind the long-disgraced current face of the GOP.
But more important than any potential presidential run is her determination to keep reminding voters that the Republican frontrunner literally tried to end America less than three years ago.
Some people will think the big takeaway from that clip is that Cheney is still not ruling out a presidential run, as quixotic as it might be. And as long as she doesn’t try to run as a third-, fourth-, or fifth-party candidate, she's welcome to try. But to me the takeaway is that Cheney appears to think there are enough “sane” Republicans left to staff a Sunglass Hut, much less populate half the House. Guess that’s why she has to help out sane Democrats, too.
RELATED: Sunday Four-Play: Matt Gaetz vows to shiv Kevin McCarthy, and AOC says she may help
2.
Oh, he went there. Because of course he did. Kevin McCarthy, who used to spend all day dreaming about being speaker but now only fantasizes about launching Matt Gaetz out to sea on a trebuchet, is still steamed about the eight Republicans and 210 Democrats who voted to Scaramucci his worthless ass.
McCarthy joined Kristen Welker on “Meet the Press” to complain that House Democrats failed to rescue a speaker who’d spent the previous nine months repeatedly stabbing them in the back, front, and undercarriage.
Yeah, you’re not going to pin this on Democrats, Kevin. It just won’t work. You’re just embarrassing yourself further—assuming that’s even possible.
YouTube Video
Thanks for keeping the government open, Kevin. And for covering your mouth when you sneeze. And for showing up to all your interviews wearing pants. You’ve passed Humaning 101. Barely. Congrats.
RELATED: Sunday Four-Play: Matt Gaetz tries to 'splain himself, and Blinken responds to GOP lies about Hamas
3.
So Kevin is embarrassed? Hey, so is GOP Rep. Michael McCaul. What a coincidence! Know who’s not embarrassed? Not one single congressional Democrat.
McCaul joined ABC “This Week’s” Jonathan Karl to dump ashes on his head and rend his garments. (Metaphorically, of course, though who knows what really goes on in the green room?)
Hmm, so just two years after 147 congressional Republicans voted to overturn the results of a free and fair U.S. election, Republicans are suddenly worried that we’re sending the wrong message to our foreign adversaries about the virtues of democracy. Funny how that works. (To be fair, McCaul did not vote to overturn the 2020 election. He took a firm stand that was roughly as honorable and courageous as not deliberately running over squirrels on the way to a Klan meeting.)
It’s also interesting that all this chaos has erupted since Vladimir Putin successfully installed a puppet at the head of the U.S. government. And now the puppet’s puppets are puppeteering the country into a ditch. Weird how that works.
4.
Let’s see, would you like a video about Hamas and Israel and all those concomitant horrors, or a short clip of Jake Tapper calling a congressional Republican a clown to his face? Okay, then. Let’s go with Tapper and the Clown. GOP Rep. Mike Turner rolled out of his tiny car and onto our teevees as a guest on “State of the Union.”
High school. Junior high. Either way, Matt Gaetz will hang around long enough to make everyone super uncomfortable. Guess the only solution is for all these folks to finally grow up. Hakeem Jeffries has a plan for that.
But wait! There’s more!
- When prodded by Kristen Welker, Kevin McCarthy refuses to rule out running for speaker again. (“Meet the Press”)
- McCarthy also says he thinks Rep. Tom Emmer has enough votes to win the speaker’s gavel. (“Meet the Press”)
- Charisma sinkhole Mike Pence still isn’t ready to drop out of the presidential race (“Meet the Press”)
- GOP Sen. Tim Scott is gung-ho about providing aid to Israel but seems a bit weak-kneed when it comes to robustly supporting Ukraine. (ABC’s “This Week”)
- Liz Cheney says the current House chaos is “a direct result of the decisions Kevin McCarthy made to embrace Donald Trump [and] to embrace the most radical and extreme members of our party.” (“Face the Nation”)
- Philippe Lazzarini, commissioner-general of the U.N. Relief and Works Agency, says that in three or four days “we will have no fuel anymore in Gaza. And what does it mean? No fuel, no water, no bakery, no running hospital. But beyond that, that means also there would be no humanitarian operation.” (“Face the Nation”)
- New York Times Chief White House Correspondent Peter Baker recounts President Biden’s message to the Israelis following the Hamas terror attack: “We made mistakes after 9/11. We felt that all-consuming rage you feel now. ... Don’t give into that primal feeling because we made mistakes. Don’t make the same [mistake].” (“Meet the Press”)
That’s all for now. See you next week! By then, we might even have a speaker. Or not. We’ll see.
Check out Aldous J. Pennyfarthing’s four-volume Trump-trashing compendium, including the finale, Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, at this link. Or, if you prefer a test drive, you can download the epilogue to Goodbye, Asshat for the low, low price of FREE.